Horny Lil' Devils
by Chaosengine
Summary: Ron and his buddy are imps from Hell who are sent to torment Kim. AU, pairings galore, a repost from awhile ago. At long last, brand new chapter seven is HERE!
1. Cursed Possible

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter One: Cursed Possible**

Deep in the depths of Hell, past the infinite battlefields of Chorga, alongside the river Styxx, about twenty miles East on the Infernal Freeway, just behind the new Burger Queen that just opened last week, stood the grand palace of the infamous demon, Lord Bandersnatch. Lord Bander, the jerk with a thousand excuses, the scumbag ruler of the only section of the underworld that didn't have a Baldwin secretly in its employ, was in a funk; his recent plot to take over every amusement park in the mortal realm was brought crashing down by a rather competent college girl with red hair. His chicken dealing avatar suffered an embarrassing defeat at the girl's hands and now he was in preparation for what he hoped would be a satisfying revenge.

Dressed in a blazing red, three-piece suit, dragging a massive, black cape, the demon that bore an unsettling resemblance to one Colonel Sanders paced in his throne room. A busty succubus sat behind a huge, wooden desk and typed at a computer, taking dictation from her evil employer.

"I don't want any spelling errors, last time it made me look like a douche bag!" The demon gentleman spat. "Anybody can misspell potato, it's a common mistake!"

"Well, all the mentally handicapped guys in the audience felt better about themselves thanks to you." The lady answered without even looking up. "Even David Arquette felt superior for about ten seconds…"

"Just shut up and type, dammit!" The lord pulled out a rubber stress ball and began squeezing it rapidly. "Gotta watch my blood pressure; Barkin, get those two imps up here! I gotta little job for 'em!" Bandersnatch smiled with sinister glee. "Those two are the biggest welts on the ass of Hell since Jeff Buckley showed up."

A rather large, menacing fiend with broad wings and a flat top saluted and left the chamber, his pole arm clanked against the marble floors as he walked. The monster scowled to himself as he rolled the images of the two hell-pests around in his evil brain. The pair had made it their business to harass and humiliate the guard since they were big enough to give wedgies and smart enough to rig traps on his toilet.

* * *

Two young devils sat at a table in the lower regions of the castle. Their classes at torture 101 and psychological harassment having been completed, the two had settled in to play a round of their favorite CCG, Murderers: The Gathering. The clumsy looking devil sported blond hair, freckles, and red hued skin. One of the horns perched on his forehead stood straight up, while the other pointed straight down. His tail, instead of being long and straight, was curly, like a little pig, and he wore dark cargo pants and a red hockey jersey.

His buddy across from him displayed spiky, green hair, blue skin and a pair of horns that both pointed up with one of them broken off at the tip. His grey prep suit was rumpled, and his extra long tail wrapped about his waist, doubling as a belt. One blue eye and one brown eye peered out from his head and his snake-like tongue flicked over his fangs as he furrowed his brow in concentration.

"Ok, I'll block your Ted Bundy with my Richard Ramirez… and I'll counter with… The Zodiac Killer, beat THAT!" The blue devil crossed his arms and smirked.

"Hmmm, how about…" The blond peeked over his cards and stuck his tongue out as he considered his move. "My new ultra-rare card!" The red devil tossed the card onto the table and fired a sneaky grin at his opponent.

"Hannibal Lector!? He's a fictional character, he shouldn't count!" The blue guy frowned and cursed.

"He counts because he's COOL!" Red-guy fired back, looking satisfied.

"Well, ya got me there…" Blue-guy admitted defeat.

Ron Stoppable (Red-guy) and Ted Keening (Blue-guy) were the two MOST annoying imps in the Lower Planes, both rank five in station and BOTH under the employ of Lord Bandersnatch, who gave strict orders for the both of them to stay as FAR away from him as possible, unless told otherwise. Amongst the legions of Hell, imps were classified as spies, messengers, scribes, and in the case of our two card-players, contracted subjects used for applying curses of vengeance. Red imps were shape shifters, capable of taking the form of small to medium sized animals, while the blue ones could give off pheromones that would attract females. The two working in tandem have driven even HIGH ranking devils into insanity; a record which is often overlooked in favor of murderous brutality, an act which the two don't seem to care for.

Ron was the most un-devilish of the current generation of imps. His naïve innocence and laid back attitude made him seem almost good in comparison to his contemporaries, whilst his live-and-let-live philosophy was down right unheard of in the Infernal Regions. These seemingly positive traits were, however, over shadowed by the rage inducing, hair pulling acts of destruction and stupidity that followed in his wake. The two biggest contributors to this delinquent streak lie in his best friend Ted and his imaginary mentor, a blue skinned weirdo who called himself "Drew". The unhealthy combination has led many to believe that the hapless Stoppable was not only a tool, but completely insane.

Ted, on the other hand, could best be described as a weak willed slave to his many excesses. Smoking, drinking, sex and drugs were just the tip of the iceberg for this sponge-spined pervert, whose soul reason to exist is found primarily at the bottom of a bottle or between the sheets of a woman's bed. He can't really be classified as evil, more like selfish, rude, ignorant, horny, stupid and above all else… easily tempted. With Stoppable being his only friend, Ted included the blond devil in nearly all his schemes, most of which involved the complete public de-pantsing of many of the duos sworn enemies, who by now, included most of hell.

"STOPPABLE, you and your BUDDY need to get your sorry asses up to the boss's chamber, PRONTO! He's got a little JOB for the two of you!" Barkin, First Captain of the "Kill First and Ask Questions Later" Brigade, loomed over the two and snorted smoke into their faces.

"Aw man, brimstone breath, you really should invest in a quality mouthwash Mr. B!" Ron held his nose and fanned the acrid stench out of his face.

"Aren't you supposed to be doubling for Dr. Phil or something?" Ted smirked and clicked his teeth at the grouchy overseer.

"You listen to ME, you little ASS-CLOWNS, if I have to repeat myself, I'm going to be forced to throw you both in the Corn-hole Cavern, with NO pants on, GOT IT!?" Barkin smacked Stoppable across the ass with his pole arm to solidify the threat.

"Ok, ok… geez… ya don't gotta be a jerk about it!" Ron stood up and slouched his way towards the door.

"Hey Bark, I just got this poster print back from that one-hour place, ya like it?" Ted held up an enlarged glossy of himself and Ted Nugent having intercourse with a rather attractive Erinyes, one that Barkin recognized immediately.

"THAT'S MY WIFE, YOU ASSHOLE!" Barkin roared with anger and impaled the blue jackass through the chest with his pole arm and tossed him through the door, leaving a huge, splintered hole in the wood. The imp struggled to his feet as the nasty wound quickly healed up, and scoffed at the big hole in his clothes.

"I ain't payin' to get this fixed!" Ted shouted.

"YOU BETTER BE THANKFUL YOUR RANK IS HIGH ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU FROM PERMANENTLY DYING, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS!" Barkin proceeded to repeatedly stab both imps as they ran down the hall towards the stairs.

* * *

"I want the two of you to get your asses up to the human world and curse the HELL out of a certain redhead that has it coming!" Lord Bander's crimson eyes practically blazed with anger as he addressed the two pranksters.

"Redhead…, ya mean Lindsay Lohan?!" Ted gasped in shock. "No way, I ain't goin' nowhere near a rehab center!"

"Maybe he means Gillian Anderson." Ron rubbed his chin in thought. "After she released that album of hers, she definitely deserves it."

"THIS…" Lord Bandersnatch roared, as he shoved a photograph into the faces of his two subjects. "… Is KIM POSSIBLE! This pain-in-the-ass mortal is the reason Project: Funzone failed miserably; now we can't get our rides and confections!"

"No bumper cars?!" Ron stated, looking horrified.

"No blow-job tent?!" Ted looked even more dejected than his friend.

"No NOTHING! I want you two to go to Earth and make this girl's life a living hell! I want you to do all the ANNOYING things you two jack-offs do around here to drive US insane, only WORSE, understand?!"

"You mean we get a…" Ron stammered.

"… A permanent pass to the Mortal World?!" Ted finished the question.

"Precisely!" The angry demon lord placed his hands on his hips and laughed maniacally.

"BOOYAH!" The two yelled simultaneously and gave each other a high-five.

Ron looked over the picture a little more carefully. "Uh, this photo is really crappy… is she a Sasquatch or maybe a bear?"

"She's some snot-nosed do-gooder or something, I don't know because I didn't get a good look. Our contact on the mortal plane gave us the exact location of her dwelling, and the legal department has worked out a reason for you two to make the jump. All you have to do is give her this legal document and then you can start driving her insane." The evil tyrant pushed his tiny glasses further up his face and looked hard at his subjects. "I don't have to remind you of what will happen if you screw this up, do I?"

"Uh, no… no sir!" Ronald squirmed under the glare.

"Boss, when it comes to annoying people, me and the Ron-ster are professionals! You got nuthin' to worry about." Ted rubbed his fingernails against his shirt and blew on them, looking smug.

"You had better be right, Keening, or it will be HELL to pay!!" Bandersnatch shook his fist at both of them.

"Aren't we already in hell?" Ron stated, matter-of-factly.

"Just shut up and get outta here!"

* * *

Leaving Bander's throne room, the two made their way down to the Department of Transportation to catch a portal to the human world. Sadly, the line for outgoing service was revoltingly long, and most of the receptionists were out to lunch… or sleeping.

Ron and Ted took their place at the end of the line, which snaked its way all around the room. A LED sign hanging on the ceiling indicated that number thirteen was being served, and our imps stood somewhere in the upper two-hundreds.

"Damn, this line is hella long!" Ted wore a look of annoyance on his face as he stood holding a six pack and puffing on a joint. "If I wasn't stoned and drunk, I'd be pretty pissed by now!"

"Aw man, we gotta stand and wait?!" Ron sighed and let his shoulders sag at his sides.

"Well, young man, aren't we giving up easily?"

The familiar voice grabbed Stoppable's attention as he turned to look behind him. A rather tall man with blue skin, black hair and a scar on his face stood in line, staring at Ron with expectancy.

"Are you going to just stand here and let these idiots block your way, or are you going to do something about it?" The tall man frowned and crossed his arms impatiently.

"Drew, I didn't see you come in here!" Ron stared at the man with a puzzled look.

"That's not important!" Placing his arms behind his back, Drew began to pace back and forth as he lectured the imp. "What IS important is that you get these buffoons out of our way so we can go to the human world and wreck havoc… ahem… I mean… complete our mission."

"How am I supposed to that?" Ron looked as vacant as Tom Arnold's day planner.

"It's obvious; you set that desk on fire!" Drew pointed to the piece of furniture in question that sat not too far away. The owner had put a "be back in fifteen" sign up and departed long ago.

"Wait a minute!" Stoppable frowned and put his hands on his hips. "I gotta couple of questions before I do anything!"

"Very well, ask your questions, but make it snappy!" Drew furrowed his eyebrows and leered at the boy.

"Why am I the only one who can see you?" The blond crossed his arms and stared at the blue guy.

"I have powers; you're not the only one who can do magical things you know!" Drew turned away, feigning insult. "Any other questions, young man?"

"Why does your advice always include burning stuff?"

The evil man ran his hand over his face with anger and turned to the lad. "Vandalism is the sole reason you got promoted this far, and with you being so lazy, fire is the best method. You just simply start one, and it does all the work!"

Ron scratched his head in confusion and answered. "Can't argue with the results, can I?"

"Certainly not!" Drew rubbed his hands together in fiendish glee. "Now, as the young people say, let's light this mother up!"

A few well placed matches in the trash can and one on a pile of papers, and soon the desk was ablaze. The fire spread to the adjoining furniture and was soon out of control. As smoke filled the air, the room's occupants panicked and a riot ensued.

"What the hell is wrong with these people, I'm allowed to smoke in here!" Ted was so thoroughly baked at this point that he didn't even notice the blaze.

"Dude, we should probably get goin'!" Ron pushed Keening to the front of the room, past the hordes of screaming devils that were using the chaos as an excuse to fight and steal things.

Emptying his last beer, Ted tossed it over his shoulder and staggered up to the gate keeper, a gargoyle-like face protruding from the wall adjacent to a large mirror. Removing their written orders, he stuffed it into the monsters jaws and quickly pulled back his hand to avoid losing it. The stone face chewed up the writ and belched before addressing the two.

"Enter the portal and have a nice trip, you douche bags!"

The two were instantly sucked into the reflective surface and with a slight whistle, disappeared.

* * *

Kim Possible, the beautiful, twenty-one year old, world-saving heroine lived with her recently widowed, brain surgeon mother Anne Possible in a quaint house in the town of Middleton. Together with her super boy genius, tech expert friend Wade, she fought against super villains all over the world and still had time to study at Middleton University, the town's upstanding college.

Over a year ago, her rocket scientist father, Doctor James Timothy Possible, was raped and gored by a walrus and died. With no brothers or sisters, Kim and her mother grew close and that provided all the family she needed. Things in her life, however, were about to be turned upside down.

The sun was long gone and the moon shone over the Possible house like a big spotlight, illuminating the broken shingles and leaf-filled rain gutters. Kim was the girl who could do anything, except find the time for standard roof maintenance. Both of the redheads were sound asleep and the town was dead quiet.

A huge, demonic head suddenly appeared in their backyard and looked about the area with disdain. Bulging its cheeks, it made a sound like a guy pulling up mucous from his throat and spat two lumps into the air. One of them crashed through a fence and landed in a flower bed, while the other was embedded in the side of a tree. The sound of a dog barking was heard clearly in the distance as the two recent arrivals regained consciousness.

"Why can't our portals be nice and comfortable like the ones in Acheron?" Ron spat out a mouth full of topsoil and tried to pry pieces of fence out of his ass.

Ted emitted a series of mumbles as he tried to extricate himself from the tree, and with one last tug, he fell free and landed on a garden gnome. "The folks in Acheron are all snooty and stuck up, their idea of evil is passing stupid censorship laws and banning pornography, besides, you have to tip the elevator guys and I hate payin' for anything!"

The two stood side by side and examined the house. The unnatural skin coloration of the two visitors had taken on a more human tone, allowing them to intermingle with mortals easier. Their horns and tails were absent too.

"Is this the right place?" Ted mused, as his buzz caused him to sway back and forth.

"Eh, I don't know… what do you think, Rude-fus?" Ron dug in his pocket and produced his pet naked devil-rat.

"Bleh!" The little pink creature with big fangs and little horns snorted in response.

"Screw it, let's just break in and trash the place!" Ted removed a pill bottle from his jacket and threw back a couple of painkillers.

"Are you sure?" Ron looked with derision at his partner. "I don't wanna get busted down to scooping devil-horse doodoo again because we got the wrong house!"

"We've got a permanent pass this time, besides, if we're wrong, we'll just keep tryin' till we find it!" Ted took big strides toward the house and Ron followed behind.

* * *

Kim lay sleeping in her bed, wearing her Spongebob footie pajamas, her face covered with a cucumber-melon crème mask and her hair in curlers; the girl was completely unaware of the two hell spawn that looked down on her as she snoozed away.

"Damn, looks like someone beat us to it." Ted looked away from the girl.

"I never really liked aiming for the face, seems so… rude." Ron mused as he poked around her possessions.

"Well, there's no time like the present. I'll get the first prank ready, you make sure not to break anything or wake her up!" Ted opened his Lil' Debil's Prank Bag of Holding and searched for his tools. Ron picked up some of her clothes and held them up to himself to see how they would look. Rude-fus, on the other hand, began writing obscenities on all her posters.

A few moments later, Ted was ready to go. He proudly displayed a chicken, covered with maple syrup, stuck on the end of a pole. "Ok, dude, you hold her down and keep her from screamin' and I'll shove this up her ass!"

"Rodger!" Ron squinted slightly. "Hey, how am I supposed to keep her from screamin'?"

"Duh, it's called fellatio, are you really that dense?" Ted frowned at Stoppable.

"Fellatio? My gramma's new boyfriend? What does he have to do with this?" Ron looked puzzled and shocked at the same time.

Suddenly, the chicken's eyes snapped open and the fowl regained consciousness. Seeing its predicament, the bird began to flap its wings and squawk at the top of its lungs.

"Oh SHIT!" Ted recoiled in terror.

Possible jumped up and stared in horror at the two freaks in her room. "Oh my GAWD, perverted burglars!" She proceeded to reach under her bed and produced an axe, with which she used to hack both of them to bloody pieces. Regaining her senses, she looked over the carnage and panicked. "Oh no, I've done it AGAIN! I gotta clean this up before Mom wakes up!"

The heroine (sort of) wrapped the bodies up in a carpet and dragged them outside to bury. Tossing the bloody axe and shovel into the basement, she returned to her room and pretended nothing had happened. While all of this was taking place, Rude-fus did the first thing that came to mind, he swallowed the chicken whole.

"Ok, everything is fine. I DIDN'T just kill two people and bury them in my yard. I'm a good girl, daddy said so… DAMN walrus!" Kim mumbled to herself. A sound out back suddenly caught her attention. "Oh no, please don't be the police… please don't be the police."

She tip-toed through the kitchen and peered out the back door, craning her head carefully to see the length of her yard. Not seeing anything, she carefully opened the door and stepped outside, only to be stopped in her tracks by two filthy imp-men with looks of disgust on their faces.

"Hero, my ass!" Ted snipped, his clothes ruined.

"That was WAY not cool!" Ron smacked the side of his head, trying to clear the dirt clods out of his ears.

"ZOMBIES, I'll take care of you rotted scum bags!" Possible grabbed a shotgun from behind the trashcans to her left and aimed at the devil boys.

"Jesus CHRIST, wait a minnit!" Ted grabbed the writ and pushed it towards her. "This will explain everything!"

Kim looked the man over and lowered the gun. Taking the paper from his hand, she unfolded it and read it aloud.

_Dear Insolent Hoe-bag,_

_For interfering with Project: Funzone and defying the almighty Lord Bandersnatch, you are hereby cursed and henceforth shall be plagued by these two hell spawn until the end of time. The creatures noted shall be with you always, causing you unending torment and humiliation from which there shall be no escape. You cannot kill them, or dismiss them until the aforementioned terms have been met or the mighty Lord Bandersnatch willingly concedes his judgment. May you live in misery._

_Sincerely, the Bandersnatch Legal Department_

"Creatures from hell that cause me torment, humiliation and from which there is no escape? I'm being cursed by the cast of Dawson's Creek!?" Kim yelped.

"No, dammit, WE"RE the hell spawn!" Ted tugged at his thinning hair in anger.

"What the hell, you've got to be kidding me!?" Kim looked at the two of them with venomous doubt.

"Nope, it's the real thing, you're cursed, baby!" Ted smirked at the redhead.

"One way to find out!" Possible raised the gun and blew Ted's head right off. Seconds later, his noggin inflated from his neck like a balloon and returned to normal.

"OW, what the hell are you doing?!" Ted touched his face and smoothed out his hair. "That shit hurts!"

"Holy crap, you ARE unkillable! What did I do to be cursed? Who the hell is Lord Bandersnatch?!" Possible fired the questions rapidly.

"He's a guy in a cape who looks like Colonel Sanders, he tried to take over some amusement parks for us, but you RUINED it!" Ron looked away with anger, his arms crossed in disdain.

"The roller coaster guy was a REAL demon; I thought he was just a nut job! How was I supposed to know?" Kim rolled her eyes and slumped her shoulders.

"Yep, and there's nothing you can do to stop us, NOTHING!" Ted sneered in triumph and turned away.

"Oh really, NOTHING, huh?" Kim's face turned to a wicked smirk.

Moments later the cops showed up after Kim called them. The boys in blue cuffed the devils and drug them across the lawn.

"Hey, this isn't fair, you can't do this! We have a contract, a CONTRACT!" Ted shouted as a burly cop banged his head off of the police cruiser's hood.

"Ow, OW, why are you beating me!" Ron screamed, as a night stick collided with his skull over and over.

"I received my sensitivity training from Jackson Brown, now shut UP!" The officer tossed him head first into the car and chucked Keening in after him.

"Thank gawd, I'm going back to sleep. Good riddance!" Kim dusted her hands and walked back into her house.

* * *

Ron and Ted were driven to the Middleton Police station and booked. Both of them were chucked into a cell and had to wait to be processed. They sat side-by-side on a bench in a ten-by-ten room occupied by two vagrants, who were currently eyeing their new cellmates.

"Wow, I've never been in a human jail before! Now I can learn how to carve a shiv out of a toothbrush and brew schnapps in a toilet!" Ron exclaimed as he looked about with glee.

Ted turned to the vagrants and spoke. "If either of you are contemplating raping me, I gotta warn ya, there's a gateway in my ass that leads directly to Mel Gibson's house, and that guy is nuts!"

The two men formed looks of disgust on their faces and moved quickly to the opposite side of the cell, leaving the partners to discuss their options.

"We gotta get outta here! I don't want to blow this, our reputations will be ruined!" Ted whispered.

"Wait, I know!" Ron whipped out his devil-rat. "Ok, Rude-fus, it's up to you now!"

Rude-fus looked around with anger and snorted. "Blah!" Walking up to the two vagrants, the rat grew to twice his size and muscle mass and proceeded to beat the shit out of both them. Rude-fus walked down the row of cells and beat the hell out of every prisoner, causing the room to be filled with shouts and screams.

One of the inmates stuck his head through the bars and shouted for help. "Danny DeVito is in here, and he's kickin' everybody's asses!"

A cop opened the door to the holding area and stepped inside, only to be punched in the balls and kicked repeatedly by a pink hell beast. Grabbing the keys off of the downed officer, the devil-rat returned to his owner and handed them over. "Bleh!"

"Thanks, buddy, I think…" Ron put the mean lil' bastard back in his pocket and used the keys to open the cell.

Ted quickly dressed in the cop's uniform and Ron changed into a police dog. Making their way back upstairs, the two were confronted by a pair of beat cops who were just checking in.

"Hey, I don't know you. What's your name, rookie?" The older officer put his hand on his chin and narrowed his eyes at the two.

"I'm… uh… Officer Buff Hungwell and this is my dog, Scumbag." Ted answered, being a smartass. Ron-dog looked up at him with disgust.

"Okay, where are you takin' him, the other dogs are in the kennel this time of night." The cop squinted at Ron-dog.

"Me and Dennis Franz are gonna take Scumbag here and go down to the park to beat the hell out of some homeless guys." Ted laid it on thick, causing Ron-dog to grunt in shock and growl at him.

"Oh yeah, me and Hightower use to do that." The jerk-off laughed at his own comment and the two cops went on their way, leaving Ron and Ted to continue their escape.

Slipping out into the parking area, Ron returned to normal and turned to his partner in anger "Scumbag, what kinda name is Scumbag?!"

"Yeah, that was awesome!" Ted laughed at Ron before taking a fist to the face. The two punched each other for a good thirty seconds before something caught Ted's attention.

The line of squad cars beckoned to the imp as he fumbled with the key ring on his stolen uniform. "I've always wanted to drive a car, and now I'm finally gonna do it!"

"Booyah, we get to go cruisin'?" Ron lit up like Hugh Hefner at a Viagrow convention.

* * *

Minutes later, a cop car tore out of the stations parking garage and roared down the street; plowing into mailboxes and side-swiping cars; the imps seemed to completely forget their reason for being there.

Ted rooted through the glove compartment until he found a flask of vodka. "Alright, that's what I call back up!" He threw back the booze, not even paying attention to the road.

"Cool, a shotgun!" Ron grabbed the firearm and accidentally squeezed the trigger, blowing a huge hole in the cars roof.

The blast caused Ted to swerve into oncoming traffic, where he ran an old lady into a ditch and forced a car full of teenagers into a utility pole. Returning to his lane, Ted picked up the radio and tried turning it on.

"I'm gonna put out an A.P.B. on Harry Potter and Scott Bakula!"

Ron managed to pull the gun out of its rack and leaned over to the driver's side. "I wanna do it, let me!" He managed to jerk the trigger again and this time the front windshield was blasted out.

Shattered glass flew everywhere and Ted lost control of the car. The two plowed through several fences, demolished a tool shed, and sent an old guy rolling over the hood. Knocking over a swing set, the car slammed head on into a tree and finally came to a halt. Climbing out of the wreckage, the two looked on with sadness as the car sputtered and died.

"Will you put that thing down, you're dangerous with guns!" Ted frowned at Ron.

"I'm not gonna do it again, I'm not stupid!" Ron slung the gun over his shoulder, causing it to go off again. This time, it nailed an overhanging power line, severing it in two. One half snapped and sparked as it fell against the side of a nearby house, catching it on fire. The tree that killed their stolen cop car snapped in half and fell onto the house's roof, buckling it in and partially collapsing one side.

Keening ripped off the cop's uniform and turned to run. "Let's get the hell out of here!"

"Wait for me!" Ron tossed the gun into some bushes and followed as the two bolted away into the night, leaving the (thankfully) empty house to burn and fall down.

Drew stood there, rubbing his hands in victory. "Yes, the devastation has begun!" The sound of police sirens in the distance startled the man. "Oh poopies, time to go!" He took off after the imps with his tail between his legs (figuratively).

* * *

The sun rose over the town of Middleton and morning had set in long before the two devil boys found their way back to the Possible homestead. Cops had been combing the town all night in search of the hellions, forcing the two to lie low and wait till sun up. Kim had left early to attend her morning classes and Anne made a quick trip to a local food mart to pick up a few things. The beautiful, older woman was just pulling into the driveway when Ron and Ted spotted her.

"That's not the chick from last night, who is she?" Ron looked to his partner with confusion.

"Whoever she is, she's HOT!" Ted giggled and formed a plan in his horny brain. "I'll distract the fox at the front door and YOU sneak in the back and see if the cursed chick is in there."

"Ok, what do I do if she's here?" Stoppable stuck out his upper lip and squinted.

"You can always read her that essay you wrote that describes everyone who likes Will and Grace as being delusional." Ted produced his Bag O' Pranks out of mid-air and searched for a prop or two.

"I still stand by my theory, that show is terrible!" Ron stuck out his lip in frustration before the two separated and moved into position.

Ron made his way around back while Ted approached the front door. Slicking back his hair, Keening pushed the door bell and waited anxiously.

"Hello, can I help you?" Kim's gorgeous mother opened the door and smiled at the young man.

"Ma'am, I'm collecting donations for a charitable organization. We fight to protect baby penguins from being run over by threshers." He showed her a cute stuffed penguin wearing a baseball uniform, he squeezed it and the animal emitted a cute "peeping" sound.

"Aw, how adorable, please come in." Anne waved the Ted-ster inside.

"I'm also chairman of the "Don't Allow Hayden Christensen to Make Any More Movies" initiative." Ted chirped.

"Well, if making a sith lord look like a whiney little bitch is any indication of his acting ability, then your initiative shouldn't have to work very hard." The older woman chimed in.

"Huh?" Ted looked at her with bemused shock.

"Oh nothing." Anne winked closed the door behind him.

Ron climbed through an unlocked window and found himself in the kitchen. Rude-fus hopped out of Ron's pocket and grabbed a newspaper off the floor and walked into the bathroom.

"Okay, now that I'm in…" Ron looked around with confusion. "… What do I do?"

"What do you DO, indeed?" Drew appeared, tapping his foot in disappointment. "Do we need to go over this again?!"

"I can't burn the house down, we're supposed to make her miserable, not kill everybody!" Ron frowned at the blue meanie.

"You don't need to burn the whole place down, just one appliance at a time!" Drew walked over to the microwave. "Like this thing, for example."

"Dude, that's a microwave, me and Ted use to use his to scorch Barkin's underwear before we flushed them down the crapper." Ron opened the fridge and found a frozen burrito, which he popped into the micro' and nuked.

"You… you… INGRATE, after everything I've done for you and you ignore me!" Drew, in an over dramatic fashion, flung his arm over his face and pretended to weep.

"Hey come on, it's not like that!" Ron patted him on the back. "I guess I can find something little to burn."

"Wonderful!" Drew recovered instantly and pointed to a pile of Teen Heroine magazines. "Let's torch those!"

* * *

Ted sat down on a couch in the living room as Anne Possible ran upstairs to search for a few dollars to make a donation. His eyes settled on the liquor cabinet against the wall.

"Might as well make myself at home." Keening jimmied open the cabinet and began guzzling down booze.

When Anne finally returned, Ted was sprawled on the couch, surrounded by empty bottles and looking as haggard as Robert Downey Jr.

"What are you DOING?" The brain surgeon placed her hands on her hips and scowled at the drunk.

'_Uh oh, I'm in trouble! Better use my secret weapon!'_ Ted released his pheromones in force, flooding the room. _'Pervert powers, activate!'_

"Why does it smell like gingerbread all of a sudden?" Anne looked over at her young guest.

"Got me?" Ted tried to sit up, but by now the room was spinning.

The stronger the wonderful smell became, the more Anne found herself attracted to the guy on her couch. Unbuttoning the top two buttons of her blouse, the redhead sat down right next to Ted and leaned over to him. "So, you like saving animals, huh? That's a sweet thing to do."

"Yeah, animals, homeless people, Gary Busey, I save 'em all."" Keening peered at her cleavage and started to drool.

Anne noticed the man's wandering eyes and shot him a sultry smile. "Mind if I pet your "penguin"?"

"If I can remember where I left him…" Keening looked around the room for the discarded stuffed animal.

"Ooh, I think I found him…" Anne shoved her hand down the front of Ted's pants and uh… handled his hammer.

"Oh, THAT penguin, sure go ahead!"

Undoing his belt and pulling out his equipment, the older woman whispered into his ear. "Now that he's no longer in captivity, I should give him a kiss and cheer him up."

"Uh… yeah… um…" All the blood was slowly draining out of one head and rushing into the other. The seductive siren slid to her knees and swallowed his "penguin", causing Ted to grin like a lottery winner.

"Now that I'm in his shoes, I can't judge Bill Clinton so harshly anymore…"

* * *

The burning magazines fell off the counter and landed in the trash, catching it on fire as well. Running around the kitchen waving his arms, Ron panicked and only added to the chaos as the fire spread to the wall and began heading for the ceiling. Rude-fus stepped out of the bathroom after having successfully plugged up the toilet, and gasped at the arson in progress. Doubling his size again, the rodent grabbed Ron by the legs and began beating him against the wall, trying to douse the flames.

Drew danced around the kitchen chanting, "I'm going to have my own evil kingdom here on earth, and no one is going to stop me!"

"OW… OW… OW!" The dork cried as his body connected with the drywall over and over again. Stoppable's clothing was now in flames, as the devil-rat dropped him and began tearing the wall paper off in an attempt at preventing the fire from spreading any further. Ron ran over to the sink and violently began turning the nozzles until he broke them both off and sent a stream of water spraying around the room. By the time the disaster had been ended, the kitchen was reduced to a disaster area. The walls were covered with scorch marks and everything in the room was soaked. Stoppable was burnt on one side of his body and bruised all over, his clothes now completely in tatters. The devil-rat shrunk back to normal and fell asleep on the counter.

The evil figment (?) of Ron's imagination stood next to him and smirked. "You know, you really could get a different pet, one that's not so quick to utilize violence."

"I owe him several grand in football wagers." Ron mumbled as he lay on the linoleum.

"Oh…" Drew wrinkled up his face in disdain. "Sucks to be you."

As Ron's wounds began to heal, he stalked into the bathroom and froze in his tracks at the revolting condition of the crapper.

"Rude-fus, I'm not cleaning this up!" Ron peeked out of the bathroom and glared at the rat.

"Bleh!" The devil rat replied.

* * *

Ted had made the mistake of over doing it with his "powers" and now Anne Possible was in a sexual frenzy. Ripping his clothes off and tossing him on the floor, the woman mounted and began riding him like a bronco. The redhead took him in every way imaginable, as the now terrified drunk tried in vain to escape. Crawling on hands and knees, Ted made it halfway out of the living room door before Anne grabbed him and dragged him back in. The sound of furniture breaking and Ted bellowing was eventually drowned out by the ear piercing shriek of a woman climaxing.

Putting on a bath robe and lighting up a cigarette, the redhead took stock of the situation. "I gotta start giving to charity more often!"

Keening lay unconscious on the floor, naked and covered with bruises. He moaned slightly and twitched like a dying man. The front door flew open and Kim announced her arrival.

"Mom, I'm home!" The girl smelled smoke and rushed into the kitchen, only to scream in shock at the mess.

"What the HELL happened in here?!" Possible rushed back the way she came and stormed into the living room, only to be stunned yet again.

"Mom, what the… OH MY GAWD!" She nearly keeled over at the sight of the naked guy lying unconscious on the floor and her Mom sitting on the couch smoking.

"Hi, honey, I was just helping to save some penguins!" Anne gave her daughter an evil grin and took another drag off of her smoke.

Ron stumbled into the room with a broken plunger and gave everyone a look of revulsion. "I feel like I just finished cleaning Jim Belushi's bathroom after an all night beer and pizza binge!"

Kim sneered in rage at the familiar guy, balling up her fists; she took a menacing step towards him. "What the HELL are YOU TWO doing here? You're supposed to be in JAIL!"

"You're cursed, you CAN'T get rid of us, remember?" Ron scowled and took a step back.

"This… is… NOT… happening!" Kim looked at the ceiling and growled.

Ted began to come to. "Oh man, my crotch is KILLING me!"

"Sweetie, are you ready to go again or should I give you another five minutes?" Anne looked down at the man on the floor.

"THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" Kim screamed so loud that all the birds in the neighborhood flew for their lives.

* * *

End Chapter One

_Have a question, comment, or a problem with what I've done? Drop me a PM or leave a review, heck, I might even get around to responding!_

**_REPOST BONUS!!_**

_The following scene was removed from an attempted first draft only a few months ago. As funny as it is, it simply didn't fit the scene. So for your enjoyment, I present... The Race!_

Ted slammed on the brakes of the stolen police car at the sight of an overhanging stop light. Ron looked at him with confusion.

"What are you doing, dude?" The Stopper looked at his partner inquisitively.

"I dropped my fukkin' cigarette!" Keening bent over and starting rooting around the floorboards.

A black, pimped out Camaro slid up next to the cop car and a bald, tanned, thuggish lookin' jerk leaned out the window and grabbed Ron's attention.

"Hey, you guys wanna drag?"

"That guy just called us drag queens!" The Ron-ster grabbed Ted and pointed his face towards the racer.

"Okay, you Vin Diesel lookin' asshole!" The Ted-ster leaned across the passengers seat. "Same to ya!"

The man misunderstood the statement and at the green light, stomped on the gas and took of like a bat outta hell.

"That pussy is tryin' to get away!" Ted floored it and gave pursuit.

"This is FUN!" Ron opened the glove compartment and started rooting around.

The police car pulled up next to the Camaro and Ted started shouting at the driver.

"You ain't goin' nowhere, you fukkin' piece of shit!" Keening rammed into the side of the drag racer, creating sparks and a huge dent.

"Are you two assholes fukkin' crazy?" The bald idiot fought to keep control of his ride.

"Bombs away!" The Stopper started throwing whatever he could find at the other car.

The two cars traded paint over and over again, causing other motorists to swerve off the road and slam into utility poles. Garbage rained from the window of the stolen squad car and Stoppable tossed everything at him but the kitchen sink. When everything else was gone, Ron discovered a loaded revolver under the seat.

"Booyah!" The imp's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"What the HELL?!" Ted recoiled as the chase ripped through a 'Road Closed' sign.

Both cars bounced along the torn up pavement, shaking the occupants like bingo balls in that stupid air machine that old people use at fire halls. Ron started randomly pulling the trigger on his new sidearm, sending bullets flying in every direction. One of the hollow points caught Ted right in the face.

"Uh oh..." The Stoppable turned white as the car swerved out of control.

The police car flew up the side of a huge mound of dirt and became airbourne. Ron gasped out the window at a passing bird as the cruiser landed right on top of the fleeing Camaro. Both vehicles came to a screeching halt, only to pitch and roll, sending metallic debris hurtling in all directions. The two cars finally came to a stop after rolling for a good 200 yards. Both mangled wrecks sat there for a second before exploding into twin balls of fire. Two charred figures crawled out of the wreckage.

"Man, I still never found my cigarette..." Ted was singed black and smoldering.

"I lost my gun." Ron frowned and tried to extinguish the fire on top of his head.

"I wonder what happened to the other guy?"

_(Scene Change)_

The bald driver woke up and found himself surrounded by fire and brimstone. Two demons scrambled up to the guy and greeted him.

"Howdy chum, how's it hangin'?" The first creature looked like a bag of manure with a face.

"This your first day?" The second resembled a road cone with one giant eyeball.

"Holy shit, I'm in HELL!!" The man paniked immediately. "This is HORRIBLE!"

"It ain't THAT bad!" Manure bag retorted.

"Yeah, do ya like butt sex?" Road Cone asked politely.

"NO!" The new guy answered in terror.

"On second thought, you WILL hate it here."

The two grabbed the guy and hauled him away, kicking and screaming.


	2. Time To Play The Game

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)

* * *

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter Two: It's Time To Play The Game…**

The confrontation in the Possible house was put on hold long enough for the mess to be cleaned up and for our heroes (?) to find new clothes. The argument recommenced in the kitchen shortly afterwards.

"MOM, I can't believe that you actually did… well… THAT with HIM!" Kim pointed at Ted as she stared in exasperation at her mother.

"Kimberly, I'm not a robot. We've talked about this; you told me yourself that you wouldn't be upset when I finally moved on." Anne gave her daughter a condescending glance. "I don't know why, but that young man revs my engine!"

"EWWW, he's not a young MAN, he's some kind of devil chimp!" Kim gritted her teeth at the two freaks.

"Hey, we're not monkeys!" Ron snorted in response. "I hate monkeys!"

"Holy shit, she's your mom!" Ted slithered up next to Anne and nuzzled her neck. "That explains the redheaded hotness, but it doesn't explain why she's so nice and you're a mean ol' bitch!"

"I'll show you a bitch!" Kim grabbed a knife off of the table and lunged at Keening, only to be stopped by her mom.

"Now Kimberly Anne, you had that coming! You did kill them, after all." Anne crossed her arms and frowned at her baby girl.

"Why do you always side with the bad guys?" The enraged college girl dropped the knife and gave the intervening matron a puzzled stare.

"These two young men aren't bad guys; they just need a safe and positive environment in which to thrive. I think I can turn them around, with a little TLC." Anne shot the three a wink.

"MOM, have you gone CRAZY?!" The Kim-ster nearly fainted at the statement.

"Now I want all of you to play nice while I'm at work." The sexy woman strutted over to Ted and grabbed his ass. "Keep your evening open."

"Yes MA'AM!" The horny fiend gave a quick salute and turned to mock the younger Possible. "HAW HAW!"

"Dirty son-of-a…" Clenching her fists in rage, Kim turned to leave the room. "I have things to do today, so I don't want you two animals defecating on my floor while I'm out!"

"I told you, we're NOT monkeys!" Ron puffed up defensively. "I only pooped myself that one time!"

Ted arched an eyebrow at his partner. "Dude?"

"I don't care, just don't touch anything!"

"We're here as part of a curse on you, doesn't that scare you at all?" Ron rubbed his chin in befuddlement.

"No, it doesn't, I go up against villains WAY scarier than you guys." The world saver rolled her eyes in obvious contempt. "At least, I used too…"

"Are you sayin' we can't CUT IT?!" Ted became agitated at the remark.

"Oh boy, you shouldn't have said that!" Ron took a step back.

"That's EXACTLY what I'm saying, you two are not scary! The whole "curse" claim is about as intimidating as a gang of hamsters!" Kim tossed a snide grin and disappeared out the front door, leaving the two alone to process the insult.

"Okay, buddy, she was just kidding." Ron tugged at his collar and swallowed hard. "Right?"

Ted stood fuming for a moment, grinding his teeth and clenching his fists. Whirling around dramatically, the blue imp shot a fist forward in a mock kung-fu pose.

"She has insulted our pride and challenged our dojo, we must AVENGE!" Grabbing a long, black bit of cloth from his pocket, he tied it around his skull like a headband. "For the HONOR!"

"Aw, man!"

* * *

Anne Possible pointed her SUV towards the hospital, as she did practically everyday for as long as she remembered. Just as the medical building came into view, she quickly veered off and headed towards the "secret" point. Approaching what appeared to be the blank wall of an abandoned building, Anne pressed a red button under her dashboard and the hidden ramp revealed itself. Her vehicle vanished into the street below, as the passageway closed behind her.

Uniformed lackeys followed her in droves as she marched down a steel corridor, her thick-heeled boots clacking against the metal floor. Her long, black cape perfectly matched her ebony cat suit that sported tasseled shoulder pads and golden buttons. The villainess known as the "Brain Surgeon" had arrived at her secret headquarters located under the very town in which her alter ego lived. Taking a seat in her golden throne, Anne Possible summoned her subordinates.

"So, how is our little mind control project coming?" The redhead patted the lackey on his head and smiled.

"Well, ma'am, we've managed to convince this chicken that he's actually Nicole Ritchie." The nameless follower who was dressed like a soda jerk removed the top from a plastic container and winced at the animal inside.

"Why is this bird so skinny?" The villainess crossed her arms and waited for an explanation.

"We kept feeding it, but it kept puking it back up!"

"I'm sorry sweetie, but this just won't do." The Doctor placed a metallic gauntlet over her hand and extended her middle digit. Pointing it at the flustered crony, a bolt of electricity flew from the tip and fried the "jerk" to a crisp. The man sizzled for second before keeling over.

"I really have to thank the boys down at R&D for coming up with this; I really love giving people the "finger"!" Anne giggled to herself, but quickly turned her attention to her assembled henchman. "I'm happy to announce I've got another great idea! I've just come upon some interesting specimens whose DNA could be useful."

"Useful for what?" A female operative peeped her query.

"For making henchman who can't die, honey." The elder Possible gave the cute little girl a cookie. "If that idea doesn't work, we can always sell the results to the pet food industry."

"May I just say, that's the smartest thing I've heard all day." A flamboyant follower stepped forward, only to be zapped for his effort.

"Nobody likes a suck-up, John." Anne's frown turned to a girlish grin. "Did I mention how much I love giving people the "finger"?"

* * *

The Middleton Industrial Sector offered a plethora of filth and grime, but the worst place lie directly downhill from the treatment plant in the form of busted sewer lines placed across an open field. A large dust cloud barreled down the access road and turned sharply, as it plowed through a barbed wire fence and headed straight for the foul stretch of land. The dust parted to reveal a car, whose outside was covered with pieces of Kim Possible's furniture secured by ropes and chains. The vehicle sped up as it splashed headlong into the stagnant waste, splattering the offal all over the captive bedroom set.

"Ya smell that, Ron?" Ted wore a big smile and a WWII flight cap as he did donuts through the shit. "That's the smell of victory!"

Stoppable covered his nose and gagged. "Smells like William Shatner!"

* * *

After a few more laps, the two returned the befouled furniture to its proper place and ditched the stolen, crap covered car. Hailing a cab, Ted and Ron headed downtown to the local Stinko's to run off a few thousand copies of a lewd picture of Kim that the two had edited with Anne's computer.

"I still think we should have used Rosie Perez's body for the shot." Ron rubbed his chin as he looked over their dirty work.

"Rosie Perez, Rosie O' Donnell… what's the difference?" Ted began stuffing the pictures into envelopes addressed to nearly every correctional facility in the tri-state.

"Actually, there's a pretty big difference…"

"Quiet, Ron, I'm working here!" Keening jimmied the copier's lockbox open and began stealing the change.

Approaching the counter, the pair gave the clerk Kim's credit card to pay for the copies.

"Ya know, neither of you looks like a Kim." The clerk gave the two a glare of doubt.

"His name is Kim, he's part Korean! You got a problem with that?" Ted pointed to the Ron-ster and glared right back.

"I am?!" Ron looked at his buddy with alarm.

"Here pal, have a free snap shot." Keening handed a copy of the plagiarized photo to the guy.

"Was this chick exposed to radiation or something?" The clerk narrowed his eyes at the pair as he looked up from the copy.

"Radiation, Slim-Spa, all that crap…" Ted emptied the "take a penny" container and walked out, leaving Ron to carry the wheelbarrow full of letters.

* * *

Kim sat in a dentist's chair patiently awaiting the doctor to finish another round of poker over the internet. Looking around the room, the redhead flinched and began asking herself why a professional orthodontist would hang pictures of dead celebrities in their coffins all over his operating room.

"Alright, Miss Probable, let's get started!" Doctor Scrapeit pulled his surgical gloves on with a little "snap" and shot her a creepy smile.

"Possible… Kim Possible, I've been coming here since I was three!" Kim frowned and squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.

"Right-oh, now what color of grill do you want, gold, silver or Lil' Jon?" The fellow held up a set of tricked out dental appliances that included every type of metal and gemstone known to man.

"I don't want a GRILL; I'm here for a check up!" The young woman was becoming agitated.

The doc looked her over and squinted. "My cousin is a plastic surgeon; he could set you up with a fab-tabuliss breast enlargement!"

"Arrgghh, will you just check my TEETH already!" Possible was prepared to jump out of the chair and strangle the guy, but never got the chance, as the man shoved the Nitrous mask over her face and sent her to "sleepy" land.

"Thank gawd, now I can watch this David Hasselhoff DVD in peace and quiet."

* * *

Middleton Community College offered a separate building for special activities that their more illustrious students required for extra curricular activities. The Environmental Activists Coalition that Kim headed were scheduled to use it to host a meeting concerning global warming that afternoon, but sadly, the place had been hijacked. Ron and Ted had decided to grace the meeting hall with an unannounced cock-fight.

A group of loud, drunken men stood in a circle yelling at the top of their lungs at the two birds that were pecking the hell out of each other in the center. Furniture had been overturned and several of the potted plants had been requisitioned as urinals. The sound of a loud bell signaled the end of the first round, as a fowl hopped over to Ted and jumped onto a stool in exhaustion. Assuming his normal form, cock-fightin' Ron gasped for air.

"I'm getting' my pecker handed to me out there! I think that other bird is on steroids or something!" Stoppable nibbled on a bowl of chicken feed and pulled errant feathers out of his hair.

"Of course he's on drugs, that's El Loco Pecko! He's the meanest thing to come out of Mexico since Carlos Mencia!" Ted applied salve to Ron's beak wounds and held a bucket up for him to spit into. "Now get out there and choke that chicken, ya bum!"

"Booyah!" Stoppable assumed bird form and dove back into the fray.

Rude-fus made his way around the room, punching out drunks, throwing back beer, and eating any roosters he could find.

An inebriated bum stumbled up to the devil-rat and began babbling incoherently. "H… hey, ern't yoo Mcauley Culkin?"

Rude-fus responded by grabbing the guy and knocking his teeth down his throat. Other morons noticed the second fight and began placing bets on it too.

By the end, the entire building was a disaster area. Puddles of beer and urine were everywhere, smashed furniture and garbage had been piled in the corners and more than one vagrant had been beaten unconscious and left lying where he dropped. The police had been called several times during the event, but ended up staying and getting drunk.

Ron and Ted slipped out the back entrance and headed for the Possible house, carrying the money Ted won by betting against Stoppable. The red imp had lost against EVERY opponent including a stray dog and a pigeon that came in through one of the windows.

"Man, that Kim is gonna be SO freaked!" Ted giggled in fiendish glee.

"Yeah, we're the worst thing to happen to communal living since the Real World!" Ron snickered to himself as he tried to stuff any stray bills down his pants.

* * *

Kim parked her car somewhere between the street and her front door, as her rage had become so livid that her ability to control the damn vehicle had been reduced dramatically.

Kicking open the door with psychotic force, she stood there staring with blood-shot eyes and a look of imminent murder on her face. The tire iron she held in her hand shook as her grip upon it rated up there with rigor mortis and strangulation.

"You FILTHY little BASTARDS!" Strawberry Shortemper stomped her way into the kitchen and found the imps emptying the fridge. "I was KICKED OUT of my activists club thanks to YOU TWO!"

"CURSED… DUH?!" Ted looked over his shoulder as he tossed back a mixed drink containing Milk of Magnesia and Vodka. He called it a "Phillips Screwdriver".

"Yeah, KP, we're just doin' our jobs!" Ron added hot dogs to rolled up pancakes and pizza, topped with syrup and ketchup.

"Pee and chicken feathers…" Kim lifted the club over her head as she advanced on the two retards. "… a bonfire and a DEAD VAGRANT, what the HELL is wrong with YOU?!"

"The bonfire was Drew's idea!" Ron shouted with his mouth full.

"You leave me out of this!" Drew stood in the corner reading an issue of Hallucination Magazine, the front page read, "Bonfire of the Insanities."

"I'LL KILL YOU BO…" Kim was interrupted by a ringing phone; she dropped her weapon and walked into the dining room to answer it. "Hello?"

"Girl, where have you been? The T-girl and I were thinkin' that Michael Devlin mighta kidnapped you!" Monique questioned from the other end.

"Monique, I've got… uh… some ISSUES over here, not to mention that my sorority sisters think I'm smuggling immigrants into the country now." Kim looked over her shoulder into the kitchen and shuddered.

"Look, Kim, we need a few fresh volunteers over here. That empty lot we've been using to bury the losers is filling up really fast. If we don't get some fresh meat soon, we'll be forced to shut down the site!"

"Aw, we worked so hard on the layout too!" An evil thought came to her, causing Possible to sneer like a fiend. "Hold on, 'Nique, I think I might have a few guys you can use."

"Good, get them over here, B-girl will be home soon and our subscribers are getting cranky!" Monique breathed a sigh of relief and hung up.

The redhead hung up the phone and walked upstairs into her room. A sudden overwhelming stench greeted her nostrils as she gasped at the condition of her dresser and nightstand.

A sound that could best be described as a cross between an elephant giving birth to a pickup truck and Andy Richter passing a stone echoed off the walls of the house, sending shivers down the spines of both of the infernal pests.

"Uh oh…" Ron swallowed hard and stared at Ted with fear.

"It's not THAT big of a deal… is it?" Ted sniffed slightly and tugged at his ear.

Kim calmly and casually walked downstairs and approached the two men. "You boys mind if I tie you up?" Kim poured on the fake sex appeal.

"Alright, it's about time!" Ted rubbed his hands together in triumph.

"I don't wanna do it if it hurts or if it gets me all sticky…" Ron looked at Kim with concern on his mug.

"Oh, it'll be quite a ride, that much I can promise!" Kim smirked slightly as she tied the end around both of the idiots. "Now wait here, we'll get started in a minute."

Kim grabbed her car keys and headed back outside. A moment later, the two felt a tug and were suddenly being dragged at high speed through the house. Smashing furniture and slamming against the walls, the two flew out the door and were being dragged down the street by the back of Kim's convertible. Finally coming to a stop, the two bloody lumps at the end of the rope came to the conclusion that Kim wasn't being honest with them.

"That wasn't very erotic!" Ted shouted as he pulled himself together.

"I ended up getting sticky!" Ron complained as he stuffed his innards back into himself.

Kim removed the rope from her bumper and dragged the two up a walkway to a quaint, little house. Monique, Tara and Bonnie co-rented the place, and made most of their money from a live web-cast from their basement.

Pressing the doorbell, Kim whistled to herself as she waited. A platinum blond opened the door and smiled.

"Hi, Kim, long time no see!" Tara gave Kim a hug and looked her over. "You look awful, are you getting enough niacin?"

"Never mind, I've got the "volunteers" for 'Nique, is she still here?" Kim narrowed her eyes at the rapidly healing imps at the end of the rope.

"Yep, she's waiting downstairs; I can take it from here." Tara took the rope and gave Kim a peck on the cheek. "We've missed you around here."

"Yeah, well…" Possible blushed. "Once we get things straightened out at home, you girls will see me more often. Until then, these two will fill in for me!"

"Well, thankees, we're gonna have lots of fun!" Tara stepped outside and approached the prisoners. "Hello, nice to meet you!"

"Holy shit, I mean… hello!" Ted stared at the busty blond with joy.

"Uh, eheh… hello there." Ron blushed and twiddled his thumbs.

The beautiful girl led the two inside and closed the door. The house was immaculate, being frilly and clean to a fault. She took them through one room after another until they stood at the entrance to the basement.

"I have to go get ready, but 'Nique will get you situated. Watch your step!" Tara delivered a swift kick that sent both imps down the stairs and into the darkness.

The two slid face first down a ramp and landed on what appeared to be a couch on the set of a midnight talk show. Sitting at an expensive desk, in a fashionably tailored suit, was a gorgeous black girl holding a stack of index cards.

"Welcome back to the show, I'd like to introduce our two special guests for the evening. We have…" Monique swung a yardstick at the blond devil, stopping just shy of his forehead.

"Uh… Ron." The boy answered flatly, as he stared at the ruler with confusion.

"Ron and his buddy…" She swung the implement again, halting just to the left of Ted's nose.

"Hulk Hogan!" Keening announced with pride.

The host flicked her wrist and poked the smartass in the eye as she repeated the question. "Ron and his BUDDY?"

"OW, Ted dammit!"

"Okay, Ron and Ted Dammit, our viewers are gonna vote to determine your fate. Tara, sweetie, bring out the voting board!" Monique leaned back in her chair and sipped from her coffee mug.

The beautiful blond from upstairs appeared wearing a bunny suit and pushing a score board which displayed two separate choices and the number of votes each were receiving. Taking a sexy pose next the board, Tara leaned over and threw Ron a wink.

"Looks like today's choices are… Sexy Punishment or… a spelling test." The ebony MC leaned over to Ted and whispered. "The voting is fixed, no one ever votes for the spelling test."

When the punishment option hit two-thousand votes, an alarm went off and balloons began to fall from the ceiling. The talk show set slid away to reveal a lavish dungeon complete with racks, chains and a soda machine.

Monique tore off her suit to display her leather dominatrix gear and smiled devilishly at her two soon-to-be victims. "Well gentlemen, without further ado, let's get ready to squeal!"

Ted jumped up and tossed Ron over the couch as he ran and grabbed hold of 'Nique's leg. "Beat me, whip me, burn me with a lighter and tell me I'm SCUM!!"

"Hey, that was uncalled for!" Ron crawled on all fours from behind the piece of furniture, only to stop when he felt a sudden weight on his back. Looking up, he saw the bunny girl sitting on him cowgirl style.

"Giddy up!" Tara spurred him with her heels and yanked on his collar.

"Uh, I didn't agree to this." Ron frowned and stuck his bottom lip out.

"I SAID giddy up!" The blond whipped out a stun gun and began stabbing Stoppable in the ass, forcing him to gallop around the room in a pain filled panic. "HOORAY!"

A curvy brunette approached Monique wearing a police uniform. "Damn high speed pursuits, did I miss anything?"

Monique smirked at Bonnie and pointed to the green haired pervert that was humping her leg. "This has GOT to be a first."

Tara steered the Ron-ster towards the center of the room, only to lose her grip and fall off as he crashed head first into the furnace. The sound of muffled screams was heard from the heating ducts and his legs kicked frantically as he tried to escape from the fiery appliance.

"TARA?!" Bonnie glowered at the bunny.

"Ooops…"

"Hey Ron, you smell like the bosses bed sheets!" Ted switched grope victims and wrapped himself around Officer Rockwaller.

The Ron-man escaped from the fire pit and shook the burnt clothes and soot from his skin. "Aw man, I liked this shirt!"

"What the HELL!" Monique blinked in shock as the blond regenerated. "Are you an alien or something?" She turned to look at Ted, who by now was bypassing "Skirt Town" and was heading for "Camel Toe Junction".

"Last time I rode up on a cop like this, I was tryin 'to smuggle meth across the border!"

"What the HELL do you think you're doing?!" Bonnie shouted, balling her fists and gritting her teeth.

"Hell is right, cause that's where we're from!" Ron crossed his arms and smiled.

"It's true; we're up here as part of a curse for the redhead!" Ted took a nightstick to the skull that put him flat on his back.

"Can you explain that for us please?" Tara put her hands behind her back and looked to the boys with a cute pout.

The Ron-man related the tale for his audience and even included the heinous pranks they had done so far.

The only part of the story that Monique found fascinating was the part that included them not being able to die. She plucked a pitch fork off the wall and shoved it through Ted's chest, turning it twice; she pulled it out and nearly fainted as the man didn't even fall down.

"OW, you coulda warned me first!" Ted exclaimed as his mangled torso mended itself. "I'll forgive ya this time since you're so HOT!"

"This is AWESOME, we can do whatever we want and they won't run away or die! The show is saved!" Bonnie hugged Monique and turned to Stoppable. "From now on, you're my BITCH!"

"Um, uh… I really got to get going. I have an uh…" Rom stammered as he tried to back away from the brunette.

Bonnie grabbed him by the neck and dragged him to the electric chair. Tossing him into it, she strapped him down and yanked his pants off. Climbing onto his lap, she held up the remote for the voltage and sneered at him. "I'm gonna start out low and work our way up slowly, since you're a light weight."

The sound of moans and screams filled the air as Tara leaned on Monique and smiled sweetly. "Look at her Moni, she's so happy."

"Yeah, now what are we going to do with YOU?" Monique shot a wicked stare at Keening and smiled.

"Nothing gross, like eating bugs and stuff. That's my only request." Ted smiled awkwardly.

"Well, we should probably brand him!" Monique forced Ted on all fours and sat on his back. "Awfully sturdy for bein' so thin."

"This isn't the first time I've been used for furniture." Ted grinned at the leather lady, who began to pet him affectionately.

Tara placed a branding iron into the furnace and stopped to adjust her lipstick while she waited for it to heat up.

"Soooo, you guys mind if my buddy and I torment your friend Kim?" Ted kept his eyes locked on Monique's cleavage.

"Nah, she needs to lighten up, she's been too tense lately." Tara handed 'Nique the white-hot tool and covered her eyes.

"Fire in the HOLE!"

* * *

Kim cursed under her breath as she plugged in the pressure washer, a necessary tool to remove the sewage from the sides of her furniture. Rude-fus kicked the front door open and walked outside, marching up to Possible, he waved an empty toilet paper tube at her.

"Bleh!" The evil rodent snipped.

"What the hell do YOU want?" Kim looked down at the pink nuisance with disgust.

The devil-rat threw the tube and hit her in the forehead with it. "BLEH!"

"You've already gone through SEVEN rolls of paper in TWO DAYS, enough is enough!" Kim had personally unplugged the facilities because of the little "poop machine" too many times, and the thought of doing it again was revolting.

Rude-fus increased his size and began beating the side of Possible's car in with a rock, giving her dirty looks as he went.

"You little SON-OF-A-…" Kim lunged at the rat, who shrunk down and fled. She gave chase around the house, until Rude-fus tripped her, sending her straight into the tree that Ted had been embedded in only days before. Unable to get free, the redhead kicked her legs and cursed. Rude-fus ran up from behind and began smacking her across the ass with a tennis racket. The spanking continued until the rat's arms became tired and Kim started asking him NOT to stop.

* * *

Ron stood next to what appeared to be a big barbecue grill; he wore a "Love-Love Bear" costume and was handcuffed.

"Uh, are you sure this is what your subscribers want?" Ron's voice shook with fear.

"Aw, you're so CUTE, of course it's what they want, dork, now start dancing!" Bonnie pushed him onto the hot metal and laughed maniacally.

Ron screamed and started jumping and running around, the costumes little bear feet caught on fire and the smell of burnt hair filled the air. Rockwaller started hurling throwing-stars at the boy, and slowly turned the heat up.

Monique and Tara approached the Ron-b-que pushing Ted, who had been wrapped in bandages and placed in a wheelbarrow with various swords and knives sticking in him.

"Ok, B-girl, I think he's had enough." Monique gave Bonnie a peck on the cheek. "These boys have taken some pretty heavy pain and didn't cry or call us names or anything, I'm impressed!"

"I'll say!" Tara gave Ted a kiss. "We appreciate you coming out to play with us."

Ted mumbled something through a mouthful of gauze, while Ron slapped his feet wildly trying to put them out.

"Does this mean you're kicking us out?" Stoppable asked, peeling off his burnt bear suit.

"No, it means that the web-cast is over." Monique unwrapped the Ted-ster and pulled the sharp objects out of him. "Since you two aren't a couple of sissies, I guess you win the grand prize."

"Booyah!" The Ron-man shouted with glee. "Is it a new Plasma T.V. or a trip to an all-you-can-eat restaurant?!"

"It had better not be a trip to Montel Williams' house, 'cause I owe him money." Ted grumbled.

"Nope, it's a visit to the Lounge!" Bonnie replied with an evil glint in her eye.

"The most SPECIAL place on Earth!" Tara beamed, her beautiful eyes literally sparkled.

"Even more special than Milla Jovovich's butt cheeks!?" Ted shouted, looking excited.

"The three of us are gonna treat the two of you as though you were rides at an amusement park, and the place don't close until the equipment brakes down!" Monique lifted the handles on Ted's wheelbarrow and started wheeling him away. Bonnie grabbed Ron by his "manhood" and started dragging him.

"I still don't get it…" Ron peeped, looking nervous.

"Oh, you're gonna GET IT, alright!" Bonnie chuckled.

"I love you guys!" Ted cheered with glee. "Not Ron though…"

* * *

The two contestants returned home that night with shredded clothing and both suffering from SEVERE dehydration. Kim sat in the living room, an ice pack resting against her swollen ass.

"What the hell…" Kim gasped in shock. "Why are you still here?! The three Queens of Pain should have run you out of town by now!"

"Those chicks are awesome; we've got reservations to go back again next week!" Ted grinned and rubbed the back of his head.

"They even gave us these COOL t-shirts!" Ron held up a shirt that sported the image of a cat-o-nine tails and a leather mask marked with red lipstick. On the bottom, in big letters, it read, "I took it like a man!"

"You two assholes actually WON?!" Possible stated hitting her head off the table. "What do I have to do?! Do I have to become a hermit and move to the Himalayas?!"

"Aw, KP, what happened?" Ron pointed to her sore posterior. "Did you sit on a cactus?" The Stopper approached her and began massaging her ass. "There, doesn't that feel better?"

"Don't touch me you scumbag!" The redhead wrapped her hands around his neck and proceeded to throttle him. A sudden knock at the door caught Kim's attention, causing her to drop a blue-faced Ron onto the floor as she got up to answer it.

"Hello?" The redhead opened the door to come face to face with a raven-haired woman wearing shades and a business suit. "What do you want?"

"I'm looking for a couple of dumbasses." The woman lowered her sunglasses and peered at Kim.

"Try the Whitehouse!" Possible tried to slam the door shut, but the stranger stuck her foot in and stopped her.

"I mean these two assholes!" The aggressive lady held up a picture of Ron and Ted in their devilish forms, both sporting bruises and black eyes.

"Oh, please tell me you're an exorcist!" Kim stepped out of the way and pointed to the two men.

The woman walked into the house and shot the two an evil grin. "Well, lookie what we got here! You two have really been slacking off, and I'm here to whip you into shape!" The business suit disappeared and was replaced with exotic armor covered with spines. Shego laughed hysterically as both imps finally recognized who she was.

"IT"S SHEGO!" The two devil guys both panicked and tried to escape, a look of sheer terror frozen on their faces.

"Oh NO you don't!" Shego grabbed Ron by his neck and tossed him straight up, smashing him head first into the ceiling. Her tail curved around and snagged Ted by his leg, whipping him around in a circle; she flipped him upside down and looked him dead in the eyes. "You two are officially under MY command now, so play time is over!"

"What the HELL is going on here?!" Kim shouted at the sick display, her patience having run out days ago.

The devil Shego pointed at the girl and a blast of green energy flew from her finger tip and struck her in the waist.

Kim flinched for a moment, but looked up at the woman and frowned when nothing obvious occurred. "What was that supposed to be?"

"Give it a second." The evil woman gave Possible a sly smirk and crossed her arms.

Possible opened her mouth to speak, when suddenly she doubled over and a look of shock appeared on her face. "Oh boy, what was that?! What did you DO?!"

"I animated your panties, and it looks like their trying to find a place to hide." Shego laughed out loud and watched the redhead shuffle about, trying to pull her undies out of her "lunchbox".

"Who the… oh gawd… HELL are… oh NO… you anyway?" Kim fought against her unmentionables; the frilly undergarments now had a mind of their own. A dirty mind, apparently.

"I'm Shego, Servitor Rank Seven, and these two clowns new supervisor!" She turned to face her captive. "You two have been screwing around long enough; it's time to kick this curse into high gear!"

Ron yelped in fear and fell from the new hole in the ceiling, landing on the floor right in front of Shego. He looked up at her with fear, beads of sweat dripped from his brow. "You look, uh… good… uh… Shego, eheh."

"Yeah, you still got a nice set of knockers, Miss S!" Ted tried to sound cool… he failed.

Shego slammed Keening into Ron over and over until both imps were a bloody mess. Scraping up the goo, she carried them into the basement and crammed them both into the dryer. Setting it on maximum, she jammed the door shut and sat down next to the machine. The screams and yells from the occupants were drowned out by the humming of the appliance, as Shego kicked and punched it to add misery to her employees.

Kim marched downstairs wearing a towel, her underwear having been ripped off and tossed out a window. "I DO NOT want another one of you MONSTERS living in my house!"

"Sorry, Princess, but my orders are strict. You shoulda let Colonel Sanders get his amusement park, then you wouldn't be in this mess." Shego strutted up to Kim and frowned at her.

"That stupid MORON, I thought he was a derelict on a bender, not some… devil guy!" Kim wrung her head in desperation. "You gotta go back and tell him to undo this!"

"Sorry sweetie, rules are rules, and the rules say you gotta fix this yourself!" Shego eyed the girl up and down. "You aint lookin' half bad, you'd make a smokin' devil chick! When ya finally croak, would you be interested in signing up?"

"NO, I don't want to be a MONSTER, I don't want monsters living in my HOUSE, and I especially don't want to be fucking CURSED!" Kim was now flying off the handle.

"You really need to relax." Shego grabbed the redhead, leaned her back, and stuck her tongue in her mouth. Kim's eyes bugged out as the devil Shego French kissed her with force, until Possible passed out. Lifting the girl over her shoulder, Shego walked up the stairs and left the two imps to dry in peace.

* * *

"So, with the Chaosengine running at full, how long will it be before I have complete control over professional football?" Anne the villain drummed her fingers impatiently as she waited for her "numbers" guy to pull up the results.

"Depends on how long it takes to get John Madden to shut the hell up." The follower flinched in fear, expecting to get the "finger".

The Brain Surgeon sighed out loud and rested her chin on her hand. "Nuts… oh well, I have to be going soon. My daughter has a few fiends over and I'm supposed to be entertaining tonight."

"You want me to shine up your leather thong or…?" The henchman received a shock and hit the floor with a loud "thump".

"Don't be so nosy, Randall, it's rude!" Anne kissed her "finger" and headed to her personal chambers for a shower and a change of clothes.

* * *

Shego sat nude in Kim's bed puffing on a joint and glancing around the room. "This place is lookin' kinda bare, somebody bust in and rob you?"

Kim sat butt naked next to her wearing a look of complete stupefaction.

"Oh gawd, don't tell me your in SHOCK… it was just sex, not surgery!" The she-devil waved her hand in front of Possible's face. "Hello?!"

Climbing out from between the sheets, the villainess blew an errant hair out of her eyes and reached up to yank her jumpsuit down from the blades of the ceiling fan. Suddenly feeling something clinging to her waist, she looked down to see the redhead hugging her around the hips and nuzzling her skin.

"Oh boy, why does this always happen?" Shego sighed and looked hard at Possible, who mouthed the words, "I wuv yoo".

* * *

Several hours later, Anne Possible returned home to discover her daughter and the dark-haired stranger at the dinner table.

"My, who's this?" Anne looked at Shego with curiosity.

"Mom, I'm a lesbian and this is my girlfriend!" Kim squeezed the devil in a bear hug and looked around defensively, as if someone in the room might grab Shego and make a run for it.

"Girlfriend, what the hell are you talking about?!" The hell-lady struggled to remove her admirer.

"That's nice dear." Anne patted her daughter on the head and looked at her "girlfriend". "Nice to meet you sweetie!"

"Mom, I'm not kidding, I'm gay!" The younger Possible refused to let her mother leave the room without acknowledging her statement.

"That's wonderful news, now I don't have to worry about you getting pregnant and ruining your chance at a good education." The older redhead sat down and removed her shoes.

"Mother, this is a big deal! Now I demand you get angry and forbid me from seeing her!" Kim started turning red from frustration.

"Maybe later, your mommy is tired right now." Anne continued to act completely uninterested in her daughter's drama.

"HEY, I didn't ask you out, I RAPED you! Are you crazy?!" Shego stood up to escape, but found the twenty-something hero was stuck to her like a tick.

"All the men in this town are total mongoloids; you swept me off my feet, punched a hole in my depression and showed me a new world!" Possible produced the writ that Ted had given her when the Dork-tastic duo first showed up. "It doesn't matter, because this paper says I OWN you!"

"What the HELL?!" Shego eyed the contract with disgust. "That's not what… I mean… it doesn't… gawd dammit!"

Kim leaned over and whispered into Shego's ear. "Tell me I'm pretty…"

"Oh for the love of…"

Anne walked down the basement stairs to throw some clothes into the washer, when she noticed the dryer was thumping something fierce. Bending the handle back, she popped the door open and jumped, as a pair of bedraggled imps rolled out and landed on the floor.

"Boys, how in the world did you get in there?" The older woman looked down at them with a mix of sympathy and confusion.

Both imps were puffy-looking and had static electricity running up and down their clothes. Looking at each other with fear, they answered carefully, knowing the pain that would follow if they snitched.

"It was gremlins…" Ron muttered.

"Might have been Jesus…" Ted quipped.

"You boys come upstairs and we'll get you cleaned up." Anne Possible pulled a saddle out from behind the freezer and smirked at the imps.

"Hey, I didn't know you owned horses!" Ron looked at her with naïve surprise.

"Oh yeah, a pair of them just moved in." The woman laughed at Stoppable's clueless ignorance.

"Doofus, she's obviously talkin' about Kim and Shego." Ted punched Ron in the shoulder.

"Gawd, you boys are dumb. It's so cute!"

END CHAPTER TWO

* * *

**Repost Bonus!!**

_The following section was removed from the original version for space and time constraints. It is now presented to you in all it's glory. The soon to be infamous… McRonalds' scene!! Enjoy!_

Ted whipped the furniture covered car around a corner and slid into the drive through of the local McRonalds. The stench of raw sewage still clung to the car like Kid Rock to his integrity. The assholes bypassed the speaker and rolled right up next to the window.

"Hey, I need some service over here!" Ted clenched a Tampa cigar in his yap and a bottle of Ol' Crow in a meaty fist.

"I wanna Big Mac-O with chili and chicken!" The Stopper had his head hangin' out the window trying to grab French fries that were lying on the curb.

"Hi folks, I'm Donald McRonald, the clown prince of hamburgers!" A gaudily painted harlequin appeared at the service window. "You two need to use the order window, have a nice day!"

"Jesus, he's dressed like Benny Hill!" Ted frowned at Ron. "Why don't you just take our orders here?"

"You've got to respect the rules asshole, that's why!" The clown squirted Ted in the face with his cumber bun and laughed like a hyena on meth.

"Son-of-a-bitch, what the hell kinda service is this!?" Ted shot the clown a look of bloody murder. "Why dontcha come out here and try that, ya JACKASS!"

"I've got a better idea!" McRonald shot the two imps a double bird. "Why don't YOU come in HERE?!"

"We really shouldn't…" Ronald bit his fingers and trembled.

"WE ARE!" Ted stomped the gas and plowed into a car in the parking lot.

The front doors flew open and the belligerent imp stormed in and pointed at Donald.

"You're gonna DIE, CLOWN!"

McRonald grabbed a steel chair from one of the dining tables and busted Ted over the head with it.

"Thank you, please drive THROUGH!" The painted psychopath giggled like a fiend.

"Holy crap!!" Ron turned and ran for his (not)life.

The chair wielding nut starting chasing the Stopper, swinging his weapon wildly, trying to knock the freckled imps head off.

"Be sure to try our new Ass Kicking Meal!" Donald looked more like a demon than the man he was trying to clobber. "It comes with a free trip to the Trauma Center!"

"He told me he quit usin' drugs…" The manager sat behind the counter and watched the anarchy. "I really need to start workin' for the Burger Queen…"

Ted's bashed in skull quickly repaired itself and the imp struggled to his feet.

"That was a cheap shot, you fukkin' bastard!" Ted lowered his head and snorted like bull.

The drunken demon bellowed and charged the clown, who was savagely wailing on Ron in one of the back booths. The jester turned just in time to get nailed head on and tossed into one of the bathrooms.

"That's how we do shit, Hell STYLE!!" Ted straightened his rumpled tie.

"This stuff doesn't happen at Mendy's!" Ron popped his broken limbs back in place and fixed his hair.

A horrendous howl issued out of the restroom as the demonic clown emerged wielding a dryer unit freshly torn from one of the walls. He began viciously pummeling Ted's head into a bloody pulp.

"DIE, DIE you fukkin' customer ASSHOLE!" The maniac was bloody and disheveled, like any normal day for Colin Farrell.

Ronald squealed like a pig and jumped onto the clowns back, forcing him to spin around in circles. The rotating imps feet and legs began smacking other customers in the head, knocking many of them unconscious.

Police sirens filled the air as cruisers surrounded the restaurant.

The centrifugal force whipped Ron across the room and the resulting momentum sent Donald McRonald through one of the front windows. An explosion of glass covered the parking lot as a bloody, screaming clown flew face first towards the approaching officers.

"I'm the king of McRonald Land, BOW TO ME!!" Donald stumbled forward in a pain filled haze.

"Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, it's Jack Nicholson, and he's on a rampage!" One of the cops screamed in terror as he pulled his sidearm.

A hail of bullets ripped through the fast-food icon, leaving him a bloody pile of colored rags and goop.

"Let's see you 'About Schmidt' your way out of THAT one!" The head pig blew the smoke from his gun barrel and smirked. "Book 'em, boys!"

Ted leaned on the counter and took a big swig from his flask. Ron stood next to him, stuffing his jacket full of hot apple pies while the employees were busy answering questions.

"We better get back to Kim's house, I need to see her face when she sees what we did to her stuff." Ted flinched as he spit out a tooth.

"I dunno, she hates us…" Ron paused to stuff a burger down his throat. "What if she pulls a McRonald on us?"

"Well, dude, it would be worth it." Ted popped a cigarette out of the pack and lit it. "I really like fukkin' her mother…"

End (Till Chapter 3)


	3. Ya Can't Spell Pimp Without Imp

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter 3: Ya Can't Spell "Pimp" Without "Imp"...**

* * *

Kim sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of K-Fed cereal (unemployment check in every box!) and daydreaming about her new lover. Every man she ever relied on had dropped the ball, BIG time. Her first kiss had messed up her braces when she was little, Brick Flagg waited until their second date to tell her he was joining the clergy, her tech buddy Wade vanished, and worst of all, her father had the audacity to up and die… on her birthday no less! All of that was over now; she had a strong, beautiful woman to share her life with, one that was as tough as she was and sharp as a tack to boot. The redhead sighed out loud and returned to her breakfast.

A loud, repetitive "thumping" noise caught Possible's attention as Shego lumbered into the room wearing Ron's clothes. Problem was, Ron was STILL in them. The boy's face was shoved between her shoulder blades and his arms and legs were pinned in place; her evil strength allowed her to walk and move around, but he could only hang there and complain.

"Mornin,' kitten!" The raven haired beauty gave the girl a peck on the cheek and sat down to read the paper as though everything were normal.

"Uh, Shego…" Kim stared in shock at the woman. "What are you doing?"

"Mr. Firebug burned my jumpsuit, so now I'm wearing HIS clothes as punishment!" Shego turned her head to sneer at the imp, who smiled awkwardly and started to whistle.

"You could have taken them off of him first!" Kim was visibly upset.

"Sweetie, he wouldn't be LEARNING anything if I did that." Shego tossed a wink at the jealous girl.

"Your butt and his crotch are… well… TOUCHING!" Kim's face turned as red as her hair.

"Oh, he's been KNOCKING all morning, but I ain't lettin' him IN!" Shego looked back at him again with a sly smirk.

"EW, take that… that… MAN off immediately!" Kim jumped up and pointed an angry digit at Ron.

Shego sighed out loud and frowned at her new admirer. "Princess, just because you've discovered you're a lesbian doesn't mean you have to be a man-hater too. Besides, Ron isn't a man, he's a meat puppet!"

"I am?!"

"That's right, I OWN both of you imp-tards and I can do whatever I want to you!" Shego looked at the girl across the table. "I'll let you do whatever you want to them too, if you ask REAL nice."

"DOUBLE EW, I don't want anything to do with those two scumbags! I demand you have them recycled or something and don't let them touch you anymore!" Kim put her hands on her hips and scowled at Shego.

"Pumpkin, you humans and your sexuality labels are really a drag. I do who I want, when I want, and HOW I want, and if you wanna be my girlfriend, you're gonna have to learn to deal with that." Shego picked up a butter knife and started stabbing Ron in his legs.

Kim threw up her hands, roared in anger, and stormed out of the room, leaving Ron and Shego alone.

"Wow, she gets pissed a lot, huh?" Ron looked at his "owner" with concern.

"Yeah, she's cute when she's irate." Shego shot the Ron-ster a sly smile and adjusted her hips slightly.

"HEY, you said you WEREN'T gonna…" The imp's face turned to a shocked expression.

"I lied!"

* * *

Ted lay face down on Anne's bed, naked, while the beautiful, older woman drew pictures on his back with lipstick. She put the finishing touches on a drawing of the planet with a big mushroom cloud coming out of it. The Brain Surgeon giggled to herself as she made a "kaboom" noise to go along with her "masterpiece".

"What did you draw?" Ted chirped.

"Just a duckie, sweetie." Anne patted him on the head.

"Heh, duckie…" Ted rolled over and looked up at the woman. "Don't wanna be nosy, but why did you draw all that "goop" from me with those syringes?"

"Oh, I'm a doctor; it's kind of a fetish." Anne snickered as she lied to the man.

"Wait, you're not going to DRINK it or anything are you?!" Ted stared at her in amazement.

"Of course not sweetie, they just remind me of medical school."

Ted looked over at the pictures that adorned the woman's nightstand. "So, your husband was eaten by an elephant?"

"No, he was raped by a walrus." Anne stated matter-of-factly.

"Do you miss him?"

"Sometimes, but things weren't going well towards the end." The redhead started applying the lipstick to Ted's face.

"Was he flaccid?" Ted asked with rude amusement.

"No, I turned evil and it created a rift in our marriage." Anne traced little circles around Keening's eyes and nose in "Passion Pink".

"Evil?! You?! No way!" Ted snatched the lipstick out of her hand and started eating it.

"It's true; a meteorite fell through the roof of Kimmie's high school while I was giving a guest lecture on general health. It kind of scrambled our brain chemistry, that's why Kim is so… aggressive now." The "evil" woman picked up the empty lipstick case and tossed it in the trash. "Poor James was a moral guy and objected to my plans for world domination, so I killed him… I MEAN… the WALRUS killed him, and now I'm all by my lonesome."

"Not to worry, Doc, I can help! That is IF Shego will let me…" Ted frowned at the thought of defying the devil-lady. The woman could think up tortures that would make watching Jamie Kennedy seem like a birthday party.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Anne lay down on top of the imp and buried his face in her… uh… "airbags". "In the meantime, keep our little "evil" conversation a secret, Kimberly wouldn't understand."

Ted mumbled something, but his voice was muffled by her "Twin Peaks".

"I'll take that as an okay." The elder Possible laughed out loud.

* * *

There was no WAY in HELL Kim was sharing her Shego with those two brain dead losers. Grabbing her mother's laptop, the college girl hid in her closet and logged on to find a solution to her current problem.

"Hey, mom has an auction bookmarked. Should I be nosy and take a peek?" Kim looked around suspiciously. "Nosy it is!"

A screen popped up displaying the item information and bidding results. Possible nearly fainted when she read the details.

"Someone's bidding fifteen-hundred bucks for my UNDERWEAR!? What kind of sick WEIRDO would do that?!"

* * *

At exactly the same time, a bearded man wearing a red wig and mission clothes sat in front of his comp with his fingers crossed.

"Gotta win, gotta win, gotta win!" The sick-o looked over at the N.P.S. delivery man he had gagged and tied to a chair. The poor fellow had the word "anything" written in black marker on his chest and face. "I promise I'll get rush delivery!"

The hostage peered at the man with disgust.

"DON"T LOOK AT ME!" The fake Kim punched the delivery man in the face.

* * *

The real Kim clicked on a search engine and typed in pest removal.

"Here we go…"

A few hours later, Kim stood in a phone booth not far from her home, dialing the number she found on the internet. Trying to keep her plan a secret, the redhead chose to make the call away from sneaky ears, just in case the person in question could really do the job. It rang for a few seconds, and then a woman's voice answered.

"This is Miss B, what's the password?"

"Uh, Diablo, I think…" Kim answered, unsure of her response.

"Excellent, what's the nature of the disturbance?" The voice continued.

"Two imps are living in my house; I want them removed as SOON as possible!" Possible nearly shouted the request.

"Understood, give me the address and I should be there in a few hours." Miss B stated in a serious tone. "You DO have the down payment, right?"

"Yes, just get over here as fast as you can, it's an emergency!" Kim gave the strange woman all the info she needed and hung up the phone. Walking casually out of the booth, Possible hopped in her car and headed home.

'_Now, we'll see who has the last laugh THIS time!'_ Kim sneered maniacally as she contemplated the plan she had set into motion. _'Maybe now I can get my girlfriend back.'_

* * *

Anne Possible sat in her "Chamber of Evil" to monitor her many wicked schemes, which included the National Shoplifting Campaign, the Intercontinental Tax Fraud Plot and investing money in Harland Williams' career. Pressing a button on her intercom, the Surgeon summoned her personal assistant.

"Wendy, could you send those D.N.A. samples I collected down to the lab?"

"Yes ma'am, do you want your bagel and coffee?" A cute little voice chirped back through the speaker.

"Please and thank you!" Anne reclined in her chair and envisioned her army of loyal, unkillable, henchman with a big smile. "Maybe I'll order them to destroy Kevin Costner, I hate him SO much!"

* * *

Ted and Monique sat at the kitchen table in the Possible house, playing a game of trivia.

"Name the actress that exposed herself in the movie "Showgirls"!" The beautiful ebony girl gave the imp a smirk and eyed him carefully.

"Paul Reubens?" Ted spouted in a sarcastic tone.

"Ew, that's not even close!" Monique looked him in the face and smiled. "You're losing on purpose!"

Ted gave her a sneaky grin. "So?"

The girl smiled back and pointed under the table. "You know what you gotta do now!"

"Yes ma'am!" Ted climbed under the table and a few seconds later Monique jumped slightly and suddenly looked relaxed.

Reaching her hand down between her legs, she gently ran her fingers through Keening's hair. "Last I checked, this makes the score six to zip."

Outside, Ron was playing a game of a different sort. The boy had been tied to a tree by a leash, while Shego stood a few feet away holding a large sketch pad. The she-devil was drawing something and using him as a reference.

Bonnie sat on a lawn chair nearby, looking bored. "Are you finished yet?"

"I got it, I got it… there, what is he?" Shego held up the paper to display the image of a reptilian creature stomping on buildings and breathing fire. The monster looked just like Ron.

"Uh… Ron-zilla!" Bonnie spouted expectantly.

"Bah, that was too easy!" The She-ster balled up the picture and tossed it in the trash.

"Meeeow!" Tara, crawling on all fours, was dressed like a cat, complete with ears and tail. She curled around the imps legs and pawed at his pants. "Pet me, Ronnie!"

"Uh, I'm not really in the mood." Ron slouched and started to pout.

"I said… PET ME!" Tara growled and hissed at the boy, while tugging harder on his clothes.

"Ya better listen to her, Stoppable; she gets serious when she's playin' dress up!" Bonnie smiled in mockery as she watched the imp squirm.

"Can I go now, I'm bored!" Ron crossed his arms and frowned.

An ear piercing shriek split the air as Ron's clothes were shredded to pieces. The boy yelped in terror as Tara pounced and tore into him, tiger style.

"REAL CLAWS, HELP… HEEELLPPP!" The Ron-ster tried to run, only to get choked by his leash and sent sprawling to the ground, where Tara-cat continued to rip him up.

"This is kinda hot!" Bonnie stood up and watched with perverted amusement.

"Eh, been there, done that." Shego yawned and popped the top off of a wine cooler.

Tara eventually calmed down and started licking Stoppable's face as he lay there torn up and bleeding. "I wuv you Ronnie!"

"Jeez, I hate to see what she does when she HATES somebody." Shego looked at Rockwaller with a sarcastic glance.

"You end up like that Felix guy, chucked into a cement mixer and poured into the foundation of the new Middleton Football Stadium." Bon-bon flashed an evil sneer.

"Yikes…"

"Well, well, well… now that you're finished with your little sex-capade, Ron Jeremy, maybe we can get back to work!" Drew stood looking down on the shredded imp with disgust.

"Hey, I burned Shego's clothes like you told me, and I got in trouble… AGAIN!" Ron stood up and dusted himself off. "Of course, she DID do that thing with her butt…"

"SILENCE, now set fire to this tree!" Drew pointed to the oak with authority.

Tara yawned and looked up at her scratching post with concern. "Ronnie, who are you talking to?"

"Shego will get mad at me again!" Ron crossed his arms and turned away childishly.

"Forget her; this is your promotion we're talking about! You can't let something as insignificant as "pain" stand in your way!" Drew leaned over his shoulder and whispered. "Unless you're a chicken?"

"I'm not a chicken, well… I was yesterday for awhile, but not today!" Ron checked his shredded pockets and turned to Drew in shame. "I don't have my lighter or any matches!"

Tara watched Ron having a conversation with himself and started to laugh. "Neat!"

"Blast, I guess we'll have to improvise." Drew rubbed his chin in contemplation and looked around the yard. His eyes settled on the she-devil and he broke into an evil grin. Leaning over to Stoppable, he whispered into his ear.

"I can't say that, she'll kill me!" Ron stared at the man with wide eyes.

"Just DO it!" The blue-skinned madman ordered back.

Ronald let out a sigh of defeat. "Shego, your butt looks like Ed Asner's."

"WHAT?!" Shego snarled, turned around, and fired a shot at Ron. The imp ducked at the last minute, causing the green bolt to hit the tree and burn a huge chunk out of it.

The tree groaned, shuddered, and fell down, dragging the Stopper with it. The leash swung him around and snapped, sending the idiot sailing through the air. Slamming into the side of Kim's house, Ron slid down the wall and landed in a heap next to Rockwaller.

"Ronnie, you're hilarious!" Tara giggled in a sweet, yet, disturbing way.

Drew just stood there laughing his ass off.

"Nice trick, froob, for that you've earned alone time in the garage with yours truly!"

The brunette grabbed the back of his shredded shirt and dragged him into the garage. Closing the door behind her, she turned and stared at him with the eyes of a hungry wolf.

"I found something in my trunk of torture I haven't used in a while; consider yourself lucky!" Sliding her pants off, Bonnie sported a tight leather thong covered with big spikes. Climbing onto Stoppable's lap, she began grinding herself into his crotch, pushing the spiked undergarment into his "package".

"Ow… ow… ow…OW!" Ron whined with increased intensity, the pain becoming unbearable.

"So, do you like it, bitch?" Bonnie put her hands on Ron's shoulders and dug her nails into him.

"NO!" The freckled boy shouted, his face beet red and eyes practically rolling back in his head.

Bonnie stopped and pressed her angry face into his and growled. "What did you SAY?!"

"Uh, I mean… uh…" Ron swallowed hard and smiled nervously.

"Say what I taught you to say, NOW!" Rockwaller put her hands on her hips and shot daggers at the blond.

Ron cleared his throat and reluctantly answered. "It feels so good, and wearing it makes you look thinner, my queen."

"Good boy!" Bonnie leaned in and stuck her tongue down the boys throat, after a few seconds, she leaned back and smiled evilly. "Once the girls and I have our group wedding with you and your buddy, I can take off the kiddy gloves and get down to some REAL pain!"

"Married?!" Rob gasped in shock and immediately panicked. "Oh gawd, HELP!" The imp turned into a gopher and slipped his bonds, dodging past the crazy girl, he ran into the yard looking for a place to hide. A blast of green energy caught him off guard and sent him rolling into the side of the house. Now unconscious, he regained his boy form and laid there in a heap.

"Ok, games are over!" Shego blew a wisp of green smoke from her finger and approached her target. "Let's haul him upstairs and take turns with him until we pass out!"

"It's about time!" Tara walked up and grabbed Ron under his arms and proceeded to drag him away.

Kim's convertible pulled into the driveway and the redhead leapt out and approached the house. Rounding the corner, she got sight of the cute blond dragging Stoppable towards the back door.

"What happened this time, did he drink the stuff under the sink again?" Possible rolled her eyes and frowned.

"He got mauled by a tree" Shego wrapped her arms around the redhead, causing her to blush. "You trying to give me the slip?"

"No, I just had some things to do." Kim looked over at the unconscious Stoppable. "Where are you taking… him?"

"Upstairs to molest him, you in?" The devil gave her squeeze an evil smile.

"Shego, I can't stand the idea of you… touching those two." Kim opened her eyes as wide as she could and made her lower lip tremble, turning the "puppy dog pout" on full force.

"Ah dammit, alright cat-girl, it looks like the jerk is all yours." Shego sighed and looked down at the pouting princess. "I'm not gonna cave in so easy next time."

"Hooray!" Tara disappeared into the house with Ron, leaving the couple to talk.

"Thanks, you're the best." Kim nuzzled her face into the woman's chest.

"Oh look, Miss Perfect has found someone to replace us already!" Rockwaller crossed her arms and frowned at the two.

"Bonnie, I'm not replacing you. This really isn't the time…" Kim looked around nervously as panic began to set in.

"Replace you, what's goin' on here?" Shego looked at the redhead with peaked curiosity.

"She didn't mean that, right Bonnie?!" Possible clenched her teeth and shot daggers at Bon-bon.

"Oh yes, I did! You're not the first girl she's tried this on!" Rockwaller sneered with animosity.

"Really?!" The evil woman chuckled and began groping Possible. "Somebody's NOT so innocent after all!"

"Bonnie, Shego and I are in love! That's something YOU wouldn't understand!" Kim was starting to get angry.

"This again?!" The brunette put her hands on her hips and scowled. "You told Tara you loved her just after graduation, you told 'Nique you loved her after you got your new car, and you said the same thing to me after my oldest sister got her sex change."

"Bonnie… DON'T…" At this point, Kim was as red as a beat.

"Wow, my little Kimmie is just FULL of love!" Shego looked like the cat that caught the canary.

"Kim got all weird after her dad got eaten by that hippo, and now she avoids us." Rockwaller turned away in disgust. "She's too good for us now!"

"BONNIE…" The young redhead tried to rush the blabber mouth, but was quickly restrained.

"Alright, enough is enough; I think this chick and I need to talk. YOU stay out here and calm down; I lost my appetite for cat fights years ago." Shego picked up Kim and set her a few feet away. "Alright Rockmaster, in the house."

"Rockwaller!" Bonnie corrected the devil.

"Whatever…"

A beat-red Kim watched the two disappear inside, her jealousy raging out of control. "That DAMN Bonnie is trying to break us up, I just know it!"

* * *

Ted carried Monique upstairs, his right arm against her back and his left arm under her legs, with the order that if she touched the ground, his ass would be grass. Pushing open the door to Anne's room, the two were stopped dead in their tracks by the sight of Tara and Ron. The blond had set the unconscious boy in front of Mother Possible's vanity and was proceeding to apply makeup all over his face.

"Isn't he GORGEOUS?!" Tara flashed a huge smile and turned the chair around to show the new Ron. The poor boy was painted up like a psychotic clown.

Ted tossed 'Nique onto the bed and burst out laughing; he laughed so hard that he doubled over and fell on the floor, tears streaming down his face.

Ron slowly came to and picked up on the cacophony immediately.

"What's so funny?" Stoppable shook his head to clear away the dizziness and stared about the room in a confused panic.

Tara stuck a mirror in front of him and blew him a kiss. "Oooh la la!"

Shego and Bonnie heard a massive scream from all the way down in the kitchen, followed by a thumping and a loud crash. Ron had freaked out and tried to escape, only to trip and roll down the stairs. Lying in a heap at the bottom, Ron groaned and tried to pick himself up, only to have his pants drop.

"Aw man!" He exclaimed in depressed shock.

Tara turned the makeup kit towards Ted and put on an innocent, yet evil, stare. "Your turn, Teddy-boy!"

"Aw, hell NO, I ain't dealin' with no Tammy Fae Baker up in here!" Monique jumped to Keening's defense. "You take that Bozo the Clown crap and use it on somebody else!"

"Oh poopie!" Tara slumped her shoulders and pouted. "No fair!"

"Wow, thanks for the save!" Ted moved to hug the ebony dominant, but was pushed away.

"You DROPPED me, so now you gotta pay, BOY!" Monique pulled out a pair of brass knuckles with hearts on them. "Don't worry, I'll avoid the face."

* * *

A black mini-van pulled into the driveway going about fifty miles an hour, its brakes kicked up a cloud of dust. The driver's side door opened and a woman with short, brown hair and an eye patch climbed out. Wearing a black jumpsuit, the lady opened the side door and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Let's go Josh; we're on the clock here."

A handsome young man, appeared, carrying a huge duffel bag with great difficulty. He had blue eyes, and judging by his eyebrows, brown hair that had been frosted blond and spiked.

"Do I have to wear that costume this time?" The boy Josh asked, looking somewhat annoyed.

"NO, and never mention the costume outside of the base!" Turning her angry look back to a neutral one, the attractive lady walked over to Kim and introduced herself. "I am Betty Director, professional demon hunter, how do you do?"

"Thank gawd you're here, these "things" have been driving me CRAZY!" The redhead shook her hand vigorously and motioned for the woman to follow.

"Come Josh; bring the equipment, and no dilly-dallying!" Betty turned and walked after Possible, leaving the boy to haul a boat load of heavy bags by himself.

"Oh yeah, this is SO much better than going to art school!" Josh groaned and grunted under the excessive weight.

Walking into the house, the two found Bonnie and Shego talking gossip at the kitchen table.

"Aaar me harty, is this here buccaneer out to smuggle your booty?" Shego spat the insult with extra venom.

"Uh, she's a special consultant, here to help with some of our "problems." Kim smiled awkwardly and motioned for the two gossipers to clear the table.

"Fine." Shego grabbed Bonnie and hauled her away, leaving Kim and the "pirate" alone.

"Now, Miss Possible, let's get down to business. I'll need to ask you a few questions, some of which might be a bit personal, but please, bear with me." Betty Director opened up a small notepad and pulled a pencil from its pages. "Now, how many times have the entities had their way with you?"

"Let's see…" Kim thought hard and suddenly looked at the woman with surprise. "What are you talking about?"

"How do I put this?" The woman pinched her chin in contemplation. "Forced themselves upon you, uh… boned you, corn holed you, explored your happy fun cave…"

"Ew, they haven't done anything like that to me! Who said they did?" Kim stared at the woman with a mix of shock and disgust.

"Often times, demonic entities come to this plane to copulate with human females. Apparently it's one of their primary interests." The demon hunter made the statement with a straight face.

Shego poked her head through the doorway and interrupted. "She's been molested at least once, that I know of!"

"At least once…" Betty scrawled the answer down and continued. "Did they take turns or was it a bum rush?"

"This is just SICK and WRONG, aren't you supposed to be getting RID of them?" Kim balled her fists and ground her teeth together. "It sounds more like your writing a letter to a porn magazine!"

"Miss Possible, I think I know a little something about demons, I AM the hunter, after all!" Director cleared her throat and continued. "Being hungrily taken by several monsters MIGHT seem terrible and satisfying, but it's important to document the events… for… uh… research."

Possible's face contorted into an awkweird expression. "Uh, okay, look… just please, PLEASE get them out of here! I'll pay anything!"

Closing the notepad with disappointment, Betty Director sighed and stood up. "Very well, I'll see what I can do. I'll need you to stay clear, just in case things become nasty. If things DO take a turn for the worse and they begin gang raping me, PLEASE, let them finish. It's better to let them get it out of their system, makes them easier to deal with."

"Good gawd, what kind of professional ARE you?" Possible shook her head and prepared for the inevitable mess this was going to turn into.

"Don't worry, she hasn't actually been mass poked by gremlins, but she's got a real good feeling about this one!" Josh informed Kim with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Pulling a strange handheld device out of one of Josh's bags, the woman began walking around the house, taking readings and ordering the boy to write down her findings.

All of the guests and occupants of the house were gathered on the couch in the living room to watch the professionals at work. Shego sat on Ted's lap and had Ron sitting in hers. The woman's hand and arm were shoved up the back of Stoppable's shirt, as she made him pretend to be a puppet.

"Hi, I'm Ron and I like my boss sooo much, that I'm willing to let her shove a pool cue up my…"

Tara interrupted by shoving a glass of liquid into Ron's face. "Make him sing while he drinks this glass of bleach!"

"Good idea, so how about it?" She flashed a wicked smile at her lil friend.

"No way!" Ron jumped off her knee and kept his distance. "I'm starting to think you girls don't like me at all!"

"Aw, you poor thing… I'll tell you what, how about I give you "puff-puff" to prove how much we like you?" Shego crossed her arms and flashed him a toothy smile.

"Uh, what's "puff-puff"?" The boy gave her a look of doubt.

Without saying a word, Shego pulled her shirt up and grabbed Ron by the back of his head. In one swift motion, she shoved his face between her breasts and pulled her shirt down over him. Dragging him back to the couch, she pressed her tits against his head and started rubbing them in a circle. The boy went completely limp and just sat there.

"So, ya still think I don't like you?" The devil-girl asked, trying to keep from laughing.

"Nuh uh…" Ron mumbled from the valley.

"Well, I've done a search of the whole house, and I've concluded my evaluation." Betty Director looked at Kim with a serious face.

"And?" Possible raised an eyebrow in anticipation.

"This house has no demonic presence in it, WHATSOEVER!" Betty looked at Kim with disdain. "We at P.I.S.S.E.D. don't appreciate having our precious time wasted, Miss Possible!"

"Who?" Bonnie asked, with a look of sarcastic annoyance.

"Paranormal Invasion Solution Society Enforcement Division, we're still just starting out, but we hope to have more members by next year." Josh looked at the collection of hot chicks and flashed a cute smile.

"NO DEMONS, they're sitting right THERE!" Kim pointed to the collective on the couch. "The dork, and the guy with bad hair, they've been here the WHOLE time!"

"SERIOUSLY?!" Betty blinked with amazement. "They must have found a way to mask themselves from my detector! Josh, give me the tranquilizer gun!"

"Sure, boss!" Mankey rummaged through the bag and tossed the woman an elephant rifle. "Loaded and ready!"

Shego pulled Stoppable out of "paradise" and tossed him on the floor, his face awash with drowsy joy. "Whoa, lady, I surrender! Those two, however, won't go down without a fight!" She pointed to Ted and Ron and continued. "With what I've heard, they're both hung like circus animals."

"Well, then, it looks like I've hit the jackpot!" Betty cocked the rifle and pointed it at Ron. "Time to play tag, gentlemen!"

"Oh crap, time to go!" Ted grabbed Ron and took off, heading up the stairs, the two of them screamed in a mad panic.

Betty frowned and gave pursuit. "I didn't say you could escape!"

Josh turned to run after his boss, but found himself cutoff.

"Where do you think YOU"RE going, handsome?" Bonnie and the Bondage Girls surrounded the man with looks of hunger in their glittering eyes.

Josh shuddered and shrunk slightly in there intimidating presence. "Uh, eheh… can we get to know each other first?"

"NOPE!" Shego grabbed the boy and flung him over her shoulder. "C'mon, girls, it's Man-wich time!"

"Help, BOSS, help ME!" Josh struggled in vain, as he was carried away to be molested by the Four Babes of Doom.

* * *

"Invincible imp clones, that's the DUMBEST idea…" The whining henchman was stopped dead in his tracks by the Brain Surgeon's "finger".

As the smoldering idiot slid to the floor, Anne sighed with disappointment. "Do I have anymore qualified employees for my second-in-command position?"

"No ma'am, the last two are still in the burn ward." Wendy trembled slightly in her leader's presence.

"Well, I guess I'm going to have to turn to the international villain registry then." Typing away, the gorgeous arch-villain smiled as she spotted a candidate with potential. "Devil worshipper with ninja training AND typing skills, she's perfect! We'll just send her a salary offer and hope she's non-union."

"Should I prepare a congratulatory fruit basket?" The assistant peered over her shoulder.

"Oooh, that sounds great." Rubbing her chin, Anne turned to Wendy with a cute smile. "Include a complimentary handgun and interrogation kit; I wanna make a good first impression."

"YES SIR… I mean… ma'am!"

* * *

The two imps scrambled up the attic steps and closed the trap door behind them. Sitting on top of it, the two took the opportunity to catch their breath.

"Why does this stuff always happen to us?" Ron looked at Ted with sad eyes.

"I guess we're just lucky that way." Ted smiled back and then frowned.

A tiny beam of red light shot up through the attic door and slowly began to cut a circle in the wood. With a shout and a scream, the two men jumped up and ran to the farthest side of the room. The laser made a complete pass and the door fell downward, revealing a perfectly round hole. The woman with the eye patch climbed into the attic and pointed her rifle at the cowering duo.

"End of the line!" The woman peered through the scope and was ready to fire, when she suddenly looked shocked and lowered her gun in mock confusion. "What's this, my gun… is it jammed? Oh no, now I'm helpless up here with these creatures!"

"Uh, what the heck is she doing?" Ron looked at the woman with a raised eyebrow.

"Ya got me…" Ted squinted at the brunette and scratched his head.

Betty Director looked up at the two imps and cleared her throat. "Aren't the two of you supposed to be doing something?"

"Uh, like what… for example?" Ron crossed his arms and shot her an annoyed look.

"We're alone, in an attic, my gun is jammed, and I'm a woman…" Director looked at the two with impatience. "What's the first thing that comes to mind?"

"Uh, suggesting you bring TWO guns next time?" Ted rubbed the back of his head and leered at Ron. "This chick is weird."

"Oh, for gawds sake, you're supposed to be ravaging me, it's what demons do, remember?!" Betty put her hands on her hips and leaned towards them with conviction. "I know I'm not dressed like a school girl, but at least put forth some effort!"

"Uh, what are you talking about?" Ron looked at the woman like she just sprouted another head. "Around here, it's usually the two of US who get ravaged!"

"Fine, have it YOUR way then." Betty raised the rifle quickly and shot both of them with tranq darts. The two glanced at each other and suddenly passed out, hitting the floor with a simultaneously "thud". Dragging them downstairs, she stopped long enough to report to Possible with the success of her mission.

"I have the entities with me and I'm taking them back to our headquarters for sex… I MEAN interrogation… interrogation, in case they plan a full scale invasion, or something!" She blushed slightly, but quickly recovered.

"Whatever, just go already!" Kim waved the lady out.

The demon hunter called over her shoulder. "Oh, and if Josh turns up, put him in a cab and send him back!"

"Where the hell is that guy, anyway?" Kim looked around and shrugged.

* * *

Down in the Possible's basement, Josh Mankey had been tied to an ironing board and painted up like a girl. A hair dryer had been turned on and shoved down the front of his pants, while Tara walked around hooking clothes pins all over his body.

"Um, I'm not really getting anything out of this…" Beads of sweat rolled down his face. "Maybe I could go and, I dunno, FIND some other guys who are into this?"

"SILENCE, worm!" Bonnie clamped a clothes pin over his mouth. "What do you say, 'Nique, would our man here look good with a Prince Albert?"

"I say…" The girl considered it for a moment. "Sure, why not?"

* * *

The sound of muffled screaming issued through the floor, causing Possible's skin to crawl. "I… don't want to know!"

Anne Possible walked through the door and gave her daughter a hug.

"Hi sweetie, how was your day?"

"Not bad, I guess." Kim looked at her mother with a sad face.

"What's the matter, Kim dear, you look a little down." Anne put her hands on her daughter's shoulders and looked her in the eyes.

"Mom, I finally got rid of those two monsters, but now I feel kinda… funny." The young redhead rolled her eyes and shrugged.

'_Got rid of them, this won't do! I'm going to have to pull a little psychological manipulation to fix this.'_ Anne frowned and hugged her little girl. "You wanna talk about it?"

The two walked into the living room, and despite the blood curdling screams issuing from the basement, proceeded to have a serious chat.

"What exactly are you feeling, honey?" Anne crossed her arms patiently and waited for her daughter to answer.

"Well, I'm feeling… kinda… like I LOST something. It feels so weird…" Kim looked at her mother with a futile smile, the gesture wasn't fooling anyone.

"I think I understand, dear." Anne smiled slightly and continued. "When your daddy died, you blamed yourself for not being able to save him. This in turn, made you more angry and unstable. When Ron and Ted first showed up, you killed them, didn't you?"

"Yes, ma'am." Kim answered flatly.

"It made you feel better, didn't it?" Anne focused an inquisitive gaze at the girl.

"A little…"

"When you found out that they couldn't die and that they didn't even seem all that affected by it, you felt even better, didn't you?" The brain surgeon fired more questions.

"I felt A LOT better, yes!" Kim felt a smile breaking through.

"You see, those horny imps became a positive focus for your pent-up rage. Despite how much they annoyed you, having something to take your bloodlust out on without building up any guilt became a form of therapy for you. That is, until you got rid of them." She added the last statement to prove her point.

"Gawd dammit, so your saying I NEED those two to keep from becoming an angry basket case?" Kim looked as though her dog just died.

"I'm afraid so, dear." Anne closed her eyes and sighed. "It looks like you'll have to go get them back."

"When did my life become SO fucked up?!" Kim stood up and groaned with disgust.

"It was after that meteorite fell, sweetie." Anne turned on the television and relaxed. "Now hurry along, mommie wants Teddie to massage her feet."

Walking down the basement stairs, Possible sauntered up to the captive Josh and got his attention.

"Uh, hey buddy, I need to know where your boss lives!" Kim crossed her arms and scowled at him.

"Oh gawd, please, get me some bandages and some antibiotic spray or it'll get infected!" Mankey was in a state of pain riddled madness.

Kim looked down at his pierced "piece" and shuddered. "Damn, look, I just need to find her, will you just tell me or what?"

Josh babbled the address and pleaded for mercy. "C'mon, don't leave me down here! They're gonna violate me from behind, I'm too fragile for that!"

"Well, it's been long enough, time to get started on your tattoos. You wanted a Smurfette, right?" Shego put on her safety goggles as Mankey screamed for help.

Kim ran up the stairs and away from the unpleasantness, grabbed her keys, jumped into her convertible and sped off towards P.I.S.S.E.D. headquarters. _'I just hope she hasn't dipped them in holy water or deported them to Sweden or something.'_

* * *

Arriving at the exact address that Mankey had given her, Possible looked at the place with disbelief. "THIS is their headquarters?!"

The modern looking home featured pink paint, white lattice work, flower beds and a series of jolly lawn gnomes scattered everywhere. A small sign out front read, "P.I.S.S.E.D. headquarters, side door please."

Finding the door unlocked, Possible walked right in and tried to get someone's attention. "Hello, is anyone here?"

Marching past decorative lamps and Rummle figurines, the redhead marched up a set of stairs and into a hallway. Muffled sounds issued from a door at the far end, getting her attention. Kim pressed her ear against the door and listened. A woman's voice could be heard.

"Oh yeah, that's IT! INVADE that dimension, YEAH!"

Kim opened the door and walked in, startling the occupants.

The woman with the eye patch dove under the sheets as Ted and Ron in their impish forms turned to greet Possible. The three of them lay in bed naked together, with creepy music playing from a radio sitting on a nearby table.

"Hi KP, did you miss us?" Ron waved and gave her a big smile.

"Man, this chick is pretty cool after all!" Ted patted her thigh and smooched her cheek.

"Uh, Miss Possible, uh… this is a surprise… um… I can explain." The woman turned two shades of red and swallowed hard.

"Forget it; I'm used to it by now." Kim crossed her arms and looked away. "I need them back, I can't explain why, I just do, okay?"

"Miss Possible, you gave them to me! I need them for sex… I MEAN, research! You can't take them from me now!" Betty looked genuinely upset.

"Uh, FINE, we'll set up a loaner agreement, okay?" Kim slapped her hand over her face and sighed.

"Agreed!" Director responded with glee.

"Does this mean that Kim is our pimp now?!" Ron looked at Keening with concern.

"Sure does, if I knew comin' to the human world was gonna rock this hard; I would have signed on for curse detail a long time ago!" Ted grinned and stretched.

"Mom wants her foot rub now, so make it snappy!" Kim pointed at Ted and walked out.

"Gotta go, baby, but I'll be back." Ted gave Miss B a kiss and started searching for his clothes.

"Ron, could you get that thing out of the closet and wear it for me, it's for… uh… research." Betty winked and motioned to a small door near the bed.

Stoppable looked inside and held up a demon costume, complete with tentacles. "Uh… is this IT?"

"Yes please!" She responded.

"Dude…"

* * *

Tara and Monique had driven off to anonymously drop off Josh at the nearest hospital. Fortunately, the boy was delusional, so it was unlikely the girls were going to face jail time.

"So you still gonna make a play for the freckled guy?" 'Nique gave the blond a sly glance as she ran a red light. "He seems sweet, but a little weird."

"Yeah, I really need a guy who isn't smarter than me for once." Tara rolled down her window and tossed an empty soda can at a cyclist, causing him to swerve into a bush. "If I can just get him away from Kim and Shego, I know I can force him to fall in love with me."

"Uh, T-girl, you know it don't work that way, right?" A concerned look came to the ebony girls face.

"It does if I MAKE it work!" A look of sinister evil came over the sprite-like passenger. "He'll love me or KILL him!"

"Baby, have you thought about gettin' some help?"

"Thank you, Moni; I could use your help winning Ron." Tara smiled at Monique with a face that could melt Donald Trump's coal-black heart.

"That's not what I meant…" The driver tried to smooth the situation over.

"I SAID… thank you for offering to help!" Tara flashed another smile, but this one could kill a bucket of spotted owls from ten feet away.

"Uh… no problem… damn."

As Middleton Hospital came into view, the two girls put on ski masks and readied themselves for action.

"On three…" Monique slowed the car down, and crept up to the emergency room entrance. "One… two… three… NOW!"

Grabbing Josh out of the back seat, the two chucked him out the door and onto the sidewalk. As he lay there, Mankey began babbling like a madman, while the masked duo sped away.

"Captain Happy ain't happy; no he's got a bolt in him! He's got a bolt and he's not happy at ALL!" The boy flopped around like a fish as two orderlies strapped him to a gurney and wheeled him inside.

The two attending physicians looked him over and nodded.

"Man, how many times has this happened in the last month?"

"I forget, but I know this guy in particular has been in here at least three times!"

* * *

Anne Possible lounged on her bed wearing her "evil" cape and NOTHING else, as Ted, dressed as one of her henchman, kissed and massaged her feet.

"WOW, you're a REAL super villain! That is SO HOT, Miss P, I'd kill all of the Muppets if you told me to!" Keening was in full "worship" mode.

"Finally, a man who supports my need to usurp control of large land masses who ISN'T Christopher Walken. I have nothing against him; he's just too much for one woman to handle." The "evil" Possible patted Ted on his head. "So that puts you in the top spot."

The imp leapt to his feet in triumph. "Alright, first runner-up, Gigety gigety GOO!"

* * *

Kim sat wearing only her birthday suit in bed with Shego, the day's events had left her to face a difficult truth.

"I hate them, but I need them to deal with my anxiety and violence." The girl slouched and looked to the older woman for support. "Does that make any sense?"

"It makes perfect sense, I hated them at first too, but it's thanks to them that I can even be here." Shego laid back and continued filing her nails.

"What do you mean?" Kim raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

"The tougher a demon is, the less time they can spend away from hell. The strongest can't even leave, or else they would have raided this plane a long time ago." The she-devil rolled on to her side and looked Kim in the eye. "Every time they do something bad, I get a bit of power from it, which I use to extend my time away from that stink shack down below."

"So that's why you put up with them, that's really clever!" The redhead's eyes sparkled with admiration. "You're smart AND sexy, I'm so lucky!"

"If you think that's clever, you ain't seen nuthin' yet!" The raven-haired lynx crept towards the horny, little rabbit with a naughty gaze.

"Uh HELLO, ignoring me… not COOL!" Bonnie crossed her arms and snorted from the other side of the bed.

"Sorry, kiddo, ya gotta be a little more insistent if you wanna hang in Shego's Playhouse. Now get over here and give me some sugar!"

"Bonnie, no punching this time, I'm not Ted for chrissake." Kim complained while uncoiling the silk rope.

"Fine, Miss Delicate, do you want me to NOT spank you too?" The brunette flung the sarcasm along with a gout of silly string.

"Hey, hey… let's not do anything crazy, okay?" Shego produced a pair of handcuffs from under her pillow. "Now who's gonna be the hostage?"

"Me!"

"NO, ME!"

_End Chapter Three_

* * *

_**Bonus Scenes!!**_

_The following was a scene I had planned IF James Possible wasn't dead. Enjoy!_

"Um…" The Ron-ster stood next to Anne Possible's bed lookin' as confused as Billy Madison at a Spelling Bee. "What am I supposed to do?"

The boy was dressed in a Megatron costume sans the pants. The door to the bathroom popped open and Mrs. Possible glided out in a sexy Optimus Prime fetish suit.

"Alright, sweety, it's time for our last battle." Anne grabbed the robot-boy and tossed him on the mattress, straddling him. "One shall STAND, the other shall FALL!"

"Wait a minnit!!" Stoppable began to sweat like Wesley Snipes' accountant. "What about Mr. Dr. P!?"

"I'm right here!" James Timothy stuck his head through the open bedroom door and smiled.

"This isn't what it looks like!" Ron twitched helplessly under the Hot-o-Bot leader.

"It had better be, I got the camera ready to go!" James sauntered into the room and set a tripod down to start filming. "Ready, hon?"

"You bet!" Anne peered down at her opponent. "One of us has the 'Touch', guess which one?"

"Alright, Ronald, you're the Decepticon leader who's attacking Autobot city…" James began directing the imp. "Optimus just ran over a bunch of your retarded friends and you want revenge!"

"Mr. P, what are you DOING?!" The Stopper's voice was partially muffled by Prime's chest mounted missile rack.

"It's called saving our marriage!" The man peered through the view finder and started recording. "Now stop being childish and pleasure my wife!"

"So, do you wanna beg for mercy?" Anne shot him a look of evil mirth. "Or are you made of 'sterner' stuff?"

_(Scene Change)_

The sound of Anne's moaning and Ron's tragic whimpering echoed through the house, carrying into the kitchen where Kim, Shego and Ted sat eating lunch.

"They're playing Transformers again…" Kim sat with her chin resting on her hand, looking annoyed.

"I had no idea your folks were such freaks!" Shego glanced at the ceiling with a combination of amusement and revulsion.

"Anne said tomorrow me and her get to play Indiana Jones!" Ted sucked smoke from the inside of a light bulb. "I get to be Short Round!"

"That's… really disturbing." Kim fired a hateful glare at the imp. "I was always partial to the Go-Bots."

"Kim, after hearing you say that…" Ted looked at her seriously. "I'm convinced you really DO SUCK!"

"Yeah, really." Shego peered across the table at the redhead. "The Go-Bots were hella-lame!"

"Leader One had his moments…" Kim winced apologetically.

"FUCK HIM!" Ted and Shego shouted simultaneously.

_**End Bonus #1**_

* * *

_**Bonus #2**_

_From an alternate series I may get to eventually. A prequel of sorts._

_(Somewhere in Hell…)_

Lil' imp Ron ran across the poorly kept lawn clutching a rake in his hands. His Charlie Brown shoes had their laces untied and trailing behind him. Shorts pants covered with pie stains and a Popeye shirt completed his kindergarten ensemble. A pair of thick glasses held together by tape sat perched on his nose.

"Dude, go for a touchdown!" The teeny Ron-ster scooped up a brick and hurled it towards his friend Ted.

Lil' Teddie zipped around the corner, a Superman cape wrapped around his shoulders whipped in the wind. His T-shirt featured a picture of Q-Bert with symbolic curse words over his head. His baggy pants were shredded and his blue skin was covered with Band-Aids. A massive pair of braces jutted from his yap.

"Headshhh up!" Lil' Keening's brace inspired lisp followed shortly after.

The blue dork dove head first into the side of the ram shackled house that stood on the unkempt property. The brick sailed overhead and busted through a window.

"Goal!!" Ron spiked his rake and did his goofy, 'I just scored' dance which involved a lot of pelvic thrusts and head turns.

"HEY, you damn BRATS get offa mah propertah!" A morbidly obese boar-lookin' scumbag wearin' a tank top stomped onto the porch and bellowed. "Don't make me come down there an' bust you up!"

"We wuz just playin'." Ron stared at his feet and stuck his lip out.

Ted sauntered up with cheap paint from the house all over his face. Glaring at the pig on the porch, he puffed up and snorted.

"We can play where we want!" Keening bared his lil' fangs. "You ain't tha boshhh of ushhh!"

"You get tha FUCK outta here, ya lil' fucktards!" Pig-man bristled up and took off his belt. "You tell that WHORE of an owner to keep you in a cage, ya hear?!"

The imps bolted, leaving twin trails of fear-induced urine behind them. Boar-douche waddled back into his house looking proud of himself.

"Did you tell them, honey?" His Pig-wife looked up from her knitting.

"You bet yer tits I did, little shit hoppers!" Fat-swine sat down on his recliner and picked up his newspaper.

_(Scene Change)_

"Shego, Mr. Oinkerson yelled at us again!" Lil' Ron wept all over his Osh-Kosh-Bagosh.

"Whatever…" The green villainess lounged on her couch uninterested.

With black, feathered hair and too much eye shadow, Shego tugged at her cut-off shorts and tried to adjust her tube-top. Jefferson Starship blared from the tape deck resting on the coffee table.

"He shaid yer were a whore who shucked cock to pay for Loverboy tickets!" Ted piped in, exaggerating the truth… a little.

"WHAT!?" The demoness leapt off the couch and stormed through the front door, ripping it off the hinges.

_(Scene Change)_

Dirt Oinkerson looked up from his sports section and glanced at his wife, Bertha.

"You hear sumthin'?" The pig-ass looked around with confusion.

With a massive crash, an entire muffler flew through the front window and landed in the middle of the living room.

"What the HELL?!" Oinkerson leapt to the broken portal and peered out. "Oh SHIT!!"

The bumper to his car barely missed him as it embedded itself into his wall.

"So I'm a WHORE, eh PIG-FUCKER!!" Shego continued tearing chunks off his Buick and hurling it into his house.

"Booyah!" Lil' Ron grabbed handfuls of rocks and joined in.

"Hell yeshhh!" Teddie kicked over the mailbox and started wailing on the car with it.

"Aren't you going out there to say something?" Bertha looked at her husband expectantly.

"We'll just wait till they get tired and leave." Dirt hid behind his chair and cowered.

_(Three hours later)_

The entire engine and upholstery lay scattered all over the hog-couples living room. Pieces of the frame jutted from the walls and even the steering wheel rested in the fireplace. The hail of refuse continued.

"They're NOT getting tired, DEAR!" Bertha sneered at her pet coward.

"That settles it, we're MOVING!" Oinkerson ran upstairs to pack.

"PUSSY!" His wife shouted up after him.

"Super Pussy!" Shego pushed open the front door to interject.

"Badical!" Ron and Ted slapped each other a high-five.

_**End Bonus #2**_

* * *

LOL, take that decency! Any questions, comments, complaints or death threats? Drop me a review or a PM, I dare ya!

The Engine's slogan, "**Nuthin's Gonna Stand In Our Way**!"


	4. International Bright Young Thing

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)

* * *

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter 4: International Bright Young Thing**

**Somewhere in Japan…**

The Temple of Yamanouchi has stood for centuries hidden from prying eyes within the mountains of the Nippon. A secret school dedicated to training gifted individuals in the art of Ninjitsu, it has stood the test of time due in part to its adherence to both honor and tradition. Recently, however, the school has been under the cloud of a terrible curse. The curse named Hanzaisha Yori.

A meeting was taking place within the central shrine, rendering all of the day's classes on hold until an important decision could be reached. The leader of the temple, an old man simply referred to as "sensei", sat upon a dais before the entire student body. On one side of the room sat the students, on the other, a beautiful asian woman with hair just above her shoulders knelt, awaiting the inevitable questions that were to come.

"Yori-san, you stand accused of vandalism, sexual impropriety, extortion, and… beating the other students for their "lunch" money. How do you answer to these charges?" Sensei didn't move an inch or show even the slightest hint of emotion.

"Sensei, surely these terrible accusations must be an exaggeration. I believe it is merely an attempt by my peers to take revenge, due to jealousy of my obviously superior talents." The girl named Yori smiled sweetly and shyly looked at the floor.

A cavalcade of complaints and murmuring erupted from the mass of students, causing the accused to fire a grimace of pure rage in their direction, one that silenced them immediately.

"Hanzaisha Yori, you have brought shame and dishonor upon Yamanouchi. For this crime, there can be only one punishment… banishment. How do you respond to this judgment?" The old man actually started to look worried.

"I suppose there is only one way I can respond…" The condemned smiled with all the warmth of a cobra.

A loud thump, followed by a yelp and the sound of a collective gasp filled the shrine, as the ninja-girl bent the old man's arm behind his back and repeatedly bounced his head off of a concrete bench.

"Ow OW, stop it, you're HURTING me. It was the STUDENTS, they made me do it! Uncle, UNCLE!" Sensei whined like a six year old, as he was being roughly man-handled.

"Sensei, why are you banging your head like that? At your age, you really should be more careful!" Yori picked him up and tossed him into the students, scattering them like bowling pins.

"Go away, you DEMON, torture us no more!" The emasculated mob shouted angry obscenities and lewd suggestions at the bully, making her even angrier.

"You will all be excited to know that I have accepted a high ranking position with an American super-villain. Once I have earned a vast fortune, I will return to purchase Yamanouchi and tear it down to build a massage parlor. As they say in the states, go fuck yourselves." With a sly smirk, the ninja beauty turned and left the building.

The angry mob followed at a distance, still shouting and cursing as they went. As the foul-mouthed exile approached the main gate, she turned and kicked one of the decorative columns, knocking it over and causing a domino-effect, destroying several arches and the statue of the founding samurai. Blowing the outraged crowd a kiss, Yori began to descend the long stairs leading away from the temple.

"Master, look at the damage, we should sue her for this!" One of the ninjas-in–training shouted in anger.

"No, my son, only the foolish warrior relies upon a lawyer. That and she would probably come back and kick our asses again." Sensei slumped with shame.

* * *

In the darkness of Kim's bedroom, tucked within the warm, safe confines of her bed, Shego and the redhead were in the midst of intimate passion. The sounds of dirty-talk and moaning were pervasive throughout the room, when suddenly, Kim distinctly heard a slight "crunching" noise. Stopping abruptly, the young Possible looked down at her demon lover with startled alarm.

"Did you hear that?" The girl squinted in the dark, trying to read the face of her girlfriend.

"Hear what?" Shego raised an eyebrow in annoyance.

"Oh nothing, now where were we?" The grabbing and groping continued, until Kim heard it yet again.

"There, did you hear that? What IS that?" Kim stuck her arm out from under the sheets and searched for her lamp. Clicking on the light, she turned and screamed at the sight of Ted and Ron, seated on chairs at the foot of her bed. Ted was practically drooling and Ronald was shoveling down handfuls of popcorn.

"What the HELL are YOU TWO doing in HERE!? Get out, get the HELL out NOW!" Possible began searching for the axe she kept under her bed.

"We paid good money for these seats, so we ain't leavin'!" Ted grabbed his chair and braced himself for inevitable injury.

"Yeah!" Ron began eating his corn faster.

"You dirty sons-of… wait, did you say PAID!? What do you mean paid?" Possible shot a suspicious glance at her bed-buddy.

"I found out they were plannin' on sneaking in and watchin' us lay carpet, so I charged 'em money. They were gonna see us doin' this eventually, so I figured, why not profit from it?" The she-devil smirked and winked at Kim.

"SHEGO?! Are you INSANE?!" The redhead turned and locked her death-gaze on the spectators. "How long have you two been in here?"

Ted looked over at Ron. "Mr. Secretary, please read back the minutes."

Putting on a pair of bi-focals, Stoppable produced a notepad and began thumbing through it. "Oh yes… oh baby… you make me feel like a woman. Kim, you're not doing it right, get your finger out of there…"

Kim's face turned bright red as she made a lunge for her hatchet again. Shego grabbed her by the waist and yanked her back into bed.

"Pumpkin, you REALLY need to get this modesty thing of yours under control. These two are never gonna stop being annoying and intrusive, so if you don't make an effort to get over this, we'll never be happy together." The green sex-queen looked at the axe-murderer with a hint of seriousness on her face.

"On a related note, according to our HLS scoreboard, Shego is wining three to two." Ted lifted a glowing sign up to the bed that displayed not only the overall score, but other stats as well. Kim was leading in "errors".

"Hey, I'm not doing that bad!" Turning to Shego, Kim looked at the woman for confirmation.

"Looks pretty accurate to me, I'm hoping to sweep the play-offs this year!" The hot Empusa leaned back and smiled at her lusty victory.

"You expect me to get used to THIS, you monsters are sick! I'm going to take a shower, I suddenly feel dirty all over." Sticking her nose in the air, the offended woman stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door.

"She talks mean now, but last night she kept calling me "Gollum". Shego threw a toothy smile to her cohorts.

"Why?" Ron looked confused as he removed the paper from his hotdog. (An actual "hotdog", not his penis… just so you know.)

"I kept finding her "precious", that's why." Shego and Ted shared a hearty laugh as Ron just sat there looking stupid.

"Uh…"

"Forget it, dude." Ted stood up to leave. "I'm bored now, let's go break something."

Kim's hidden axe went sailing, burying itself in the door and blocking the imps from exiting.

"Where do you two think you're GOING?!" The devil-lady sneered at the morons. "She got me halfway, but you're gonna FINISH the job!"

"You seem a little worked up, maybe we should do this later…" Keening was grabbed around the neck by a green hand, while Ron was flipped upside down and held by a green tail.

"You guys are gonna have a little "Sympathy for the Devil" and give me some "Satisfaction", or I'm gonna ROLL your STONES out the damn window!" The horny wise-ass tossed her captives onto the mattress and proceeded to "Flip the Switch."

* * *

The Brain Surgeon stood outside of the "guest" entrance to her headquarters along with her honor guard, anxiously awaiting her newest employee.

"I'm so excited, she was rated three stars in her brutality evaluation and FOUR stars in her "naughty" index!" Anne gave a passing pigeon the "finger", creating a dish that resembled roasted pheasant. "It's good to know that young women are being properly motivated to take up careers in "alternate moral alignments".

"You mean "evil", ma'am?" Wendy, the perky secretary piped in.

"Of course, sweetie, did you get our welcome baskets prepared?" The evil redhead was practically glowing from excitement.

"I sure did, the Lil' Bear basket even comes with a detachable flamethrower!" The girl pointed the stuffed bruin at a random henchman and engulfed him in a blast of fire. The poor bastard ran around screaming, until Anne gave him the finger too.

"Enough with the drama, Roy, nobody likes a cry-baby."

* * *

Kim and Shego were in the midst of another argument, forcing the two imps to flee outside for safety reasons. Sitting on a lawn chair, Ted rested his angry face on one of his hands and shot disgusted glances about the lawn. Ron ran around in circles, chasing a squirrel with a rake.

"Well, buffoon, why are you wasting precious time out here playing with rodents, when there's an entire CITY waiting to be reduced to rubble?" Drew's sudden appearance startled the Stopper, causing him to trip and fall on his yard tool.

"Ow, Drew, I hate it when you do that!" Ron untangled himself from the rake and stood back up. "There's nothing here to set on fire, so you might as well go back to where ever you came from."

"Look young man, I'm not some one-note washout, like the Baha Men! If you can't burn something, you smash it up." Motioning across the street, Drew pointed to a construction crew preparing to break for lunch. A full sized bulldozer sat glinting like a delinquent's lottery ticket in the midday sun. "THAT, my freckled fiend, will do quite nicely!"

"I don't know how to steal OR drive that thing." Ron scratched the back of his head and frowned.

"Fortunately, I've piloted my share of heavy vehicles, so I can instruct you. Now get your perverted friend over there and let's do some damage." Drew watched Ron poke Ted with the rake and fill him in on the plan. Rubbing his hands together with glee, the villain smiled at the thought of the devastation to come. "This is going to be more fun than hunting with Donald Rumsfeld!"

"So, let me get this straight, your imaginary friend wants us to STEAL that contraption and do what now?!" Ted looked at the Stopper with doubt.

"Go on a destruction filled rampage?" Ronald smiled uncomfortably and fidgeted.

"AWESOME!" Keening practically ran to the bulldozer and jumped onboard. "Hurry up, dude, times a wastin'!"

With Drew's help, the imps started the machine and took off down the street, in search of truth and fun.

"Ya know, man, we haven't had a chance to hang out like this in awhile. This is gonna be cool!" Ted lit up a smoke and guzzled scotch from a bottle.

"Seriously, those chicks sure are hungry for attention. Now we can get down to some MAN stuff!" Ron looked about the scenery from the cockpit of his stolen crunch-machine like a kid in a candy store.

"Yes, down to some "tearing this town a new one" stuff!" Drew mumbled under his breath as he clung to the back of the machine. The blue-skinned nutcase began laughing maniacally.

"Drew, what's so funny?"

"Nothing, just drive."

* * *

"Why do you HAVE to be so difficult about this? Your friends, that Betty chick, and even your MOM is cool with them being here, why do you insist on making this into a big deal?!" Shego stormed after her angry lover trying to smooth things over after the event in the bedroom earlier that morning.

"The whole thing is just SO perverted that I can hardly believe you're even defending it. You're smart, Shego, why do you encourage them to do those kinds of sick and disgusting things?" Possible stopped in her tracks and turned to face the older woman.

"I'm EVIL, Princess, how many ways do I have say it! You knew this the moment we met, and you shouting isn't gonna change that." The devil frowned and stared the redhead in the eyes.

"I stopped hanging out with my friends because they were doing things just like that, why would I wanna jump back in?" Placing her fists against her hips, Kim glowered at the hell spawn.

"Are you really gonna allow a bunch of anal-retentive MEN tell you how to live your life?!" Shego crossed her arms in frustration and gritted her teeth.

"Men?! What MEN are you talking about?" Moving face-to-face with her girlfriend, Kim squared up and exhaled in defiance.

"Your cops, your lawmakers, and especially… your DAD!" The devil frowned even harder and refused to budge.

"Don't you talk about my FATHER like that! He'd be spinning in his grave if he knew what I've been doing." The redhead felt a tear building in the corner of her eye, but quickly pushed it back.

"So, let me get this straight, your Dad would rather you live a clean, moral, MISERABLE life than to accept what you want and risk being HAPPY?! What the HELL kind of parenting is THAT?!" Shego put on the pressure, knowing that the younger girl would break and let it all out, like she desperately needed to.

Kim could hold it in no longer; big tears fell from her emerald eyes as she digested the words from the beautiful temptress. "I don't want to let him down again!" Falling into the dark haired woman's arms, the young girl wept for the memory of her lost daddy.

"Kitten, I didn't have a dad, but if yours loved you as much as you love him, he'd accept you no matter what you did." Shego looked into Kim's eyes and smiled.

"You think so…?" The redhead sniffed hard and wiped her tears on her sleeve.

"YES, because, like me, he knows you're NOT STUPID! You're supposed to be the girl who can do anything, so is trying to balance a complicated relationship THAT much of a stretch for you?" Devil-chick placed her lips against Kim's forehead and blew hard, making a fart noise.

Stop it, you bitch!" Kim laughed despite her tears and tried to escape, causing the both of them to fall to the floor. The two girls rolled around in a playful wrestling match, before finally declaring the fight a draw.

"Now are you gonna PLEASE try to get used to owning a pair of fuck-tards?" The green-groper smirked at Red.

"Yeah, but you gotta promise to keep them from going too far." Kim threw a sly grin at her "hero".

"Fine, now go get us something to drink, and make it snappy!" Shego used her tail to smack Kim across her "bubble-butt".

"Okay okay, you big meanie, I'm goin'!" Laughing to herself, Possible walked into the kitchen.

'_Shego, you are one smooth talkin' she-pimp!'_ The Empusa was grinning ear-to-ear in light of her negotiation skills.

Kim walked past the television sitting on the kitchen counter, only to quickly back up and stare wide eyed in shock.

"SHEGO, Get in HERE!"

"What, are we out of soda again?" The evil woman stomped into the kitchen and froze at the sight of the news report Kim was staring at.

"**Middleton Police have reason to believe that an out of control bulldozer has been wreaking havoc across our suburbs today, as multiple complaints have been filed by local residents complaining of extensive property damage. According to witnesses, the drivers of the vehicle are describes as two young males. One is supposedly a "blond haired moron", while the other is a "green headed alcoholic"…"**

"Oh shit…" Shego looked at Kim and shuddered.

"We have to find and stop them before they blow your cover!" Possible ran upstairs to change, leaving the devil to fume alone.

"When I get my claws on those two…"

* * *

The henchman doubled over in pain, as a shapely leg collided with his "lincoln log" with a disgusting "crunch". Injured flunkies lay scattered about like discarded roaches at a Phish concert. The thuggish Yori dusted off her hands and bowed politely to her new boss.

"I trust my performance was adequate, Surgeon-sama?"

The elder Possible grabbed the exotic bully in a big ol' bear-hug.

"You're so ADORABLE! Evil and gorgeous at the same time, I just HAVE to introduce you to my little imps, they'll just LOVE you!" Anne placed a big smooch on Yori's forehead, leaving the girl standing there looking stunned. "Wendy, sweetie, get the transport ready. I wanna show our little "nut cracker" around the base!"

"I am, uh…, honored by your sexual harassment, my lord." Bowing once more, the ninja proceeded to walk around and kick downed henchman, while stealing their wallets.

* * *

Gales of insane laughter echoed from the interior of the stolen bulldozer, as the imps wallowed in their senseless destruction. A path strewn with mangled cars, crushed signs and smashed fences lay behind them for miles. Drew had been pointing out targets at random and Stoppable complied without argument. They even made a slight detour to Middleton Cemetery to pick up a few things.

Running over a chain link fence, the trio lined the scoop up with the adjoining house's picture window.

"Let her rip, dude!" Ted shouted, nearly falling down drunk at this point.

Giggling like a maniac, Ron yanked a lever and tossed a stolen casket through the glass, landing it right in the living room. (How ironic) The sound of sirens in the distance quickly snuffed the laughter.

"BLAST, already?" Drew clenched his fists and cursed. "I'm afraid we'll have to abandon our conveyance and make our escape."

"Alright…dammit." Ted swayed back and forth, nearly slipping on the collection of empty liquor bottles that had collected within the cab of the dozer.

Falling out into the street, Drew conveniently disappeared, leaving Ron and Ted to fend for themselves. Rude-fus hopped up to the controls and kicked the accelerator forward before abandoning the wrecking machine.

"Bleh!"

The dozer began rolling forward, causing it to crash through the front of the house, bringing the whole thing down. The imps continued to laugh as they ran down the street, stopping only long enough to jump into a hedgerow to hide. A squadron of cop cars turned the corner and screeched to a halt. Quickly surrounding the collapsed house, Middleton's finest pulled their side arms and ordered the suspects to "come out with their hands up".

"I guess its back to jail." Ron started to stand up, only to get dragged back down by Ted.

"What are ya doin', they ain't talkin' to us! They're talkin' to da bulldozer!" Ted swooned and passed out, landing on top of the Ron-ster and pinning him to the ground.

An old couple picked their way out of the rubble and placed their hands upon their heads. The police looked at each other with confusion.

"Are they the suspects?" A cop who looked surprisingly similar to Geraldo Rivera asked, while scratching his head.

"You feel like running around lookin' for somebody else?" The officer who could have been a dead-ringer for Judd Nelson shot an angry glance at his partner.

The public servants busted the old couple for grand theft and destruction of property. Stuffing the two into a cruiser, the boys in blue left as quickly as they showed up.

Ron stuck his head out of the bushes to see if the "coast was clear".

"Ted, come on, let's get out of here!" The Stopper grabbed the drunk by the leg and pulled him into the street.

Stopping to take a breath, the blond looked up to see a familiar car screeching towards him at full speed. The angry women seated in the convertible made no attempt to swerve or even slow down.

"Oh boy." Ron braced himself for the oncoming squish.

Shego floored it and ran over both imps. Backing up, she ran over them again before stopping and jumping out of the car.

"You little BASTARDS!" The devil-girl beat the shit out of both of them with a golf club before stuffing them in the trunk and driving off.

"Thank gawd the cops in this town are so damn stupid!" Shego purposely hit every bump she could to jostle the idiots in the back.

"I thought you WANTED them to do stuff like this!" Kim gave her "cuddle monster" a look of inquiry.

"That's just it, they didn't invite ME!"

Hitting a sharp turn at sixty miles an hour, the angry mistress rattled the men around inside the trunk like a pair of brain cells in Paris Hilton's skull. Whipping into the Possible's driveway, Shego yanked the idiots out of the car and dragged them into the house.

'_To think she gave ME such a hard time about putting up with those two.'_ Kim chuckled to herself as she followed them inside.

* * *

"I can't wait to introduce you to everyone, this is so exciting!" Anne drove her mini-van like a lunatic, cutting people off and ignoring other highway safety laws.

Having stopped at a red light, Yori leaned out the window and grabbed the driver in the truck next to them and began wringing his neck.

"I humbly request that you give me your wallet, please!" The asian girl gave the choking man a death look.

Handing the crazed foreigner his money, the motorist gasped for air.

"Arigatougozaimasu!" The second in command followed up her appreciation with a swift punch to the guy's face, knocking him out.

"Everything okay, dear?" The redheaded driver looked to her passenger with concern.

"I am fine, Possible-sama." Yori carefully counted out her victim's money before tossing the bill-fold out the window.

"I just hope the boys don't spook you, they can be a handful at times."

* * *

"Okay, Kimmie, just concentrate and swing for the fences!" Shego spun a blindfolded Kim around in a circle before handing her a stick and stepping away.

"Where did you find a piñata this fast?" Kim began to swing the pole around, trying to find the target.

"Oh, I've got the hook up." The devil beast laughed maniacally at the "piñata".

Ron and Ted had been tied together, gagged, and hung by a rope from a tree branch. Pulling their bodies every which way, the two struggled to avoid the inevitable pounding.

"Am I getting closer?" Kim swung hard and cracked Ron in the face, causing him to mumble incoherently. "What's that noise?"

"Nothing, just keep swingin', you're almost there!" Shego began throwing rocks at the imps to add to their misery.

Muffled yelps and whining filled the air as the redhead walloped the shit out of the "dopes-on-a-rope". Anne's van approached the house, catching Shego's attention.

"Okay, your mom's home and she's probably gonna want some "Ted time". Firing a blast of plasma, the devil brought the punching bag back down to terra firma with a loud "thump".

"Why do you like my mom so much?" Kim removed her blindfold and recoiled at the sight of the bludgeoned duo.

"She doesn't charge us rent." Shego turned and walked into the house, leaving Kim and the imps alone.

'_Should I untie them?'_ Kim landed a few more loud swings before loosening the ropes. _'Okay, now I feel better.'_

* * *

"Everyone, I want you to meet the hospital's newest intern, Yori. She'll be staying with us until she finishes her… uh… education." The elder Possible put her hands on the girl's shoulders and looked with a wide eyed stare to the assembled group, expecting a warm welcome.

"Whatever…" Shego snorted.

"Like wise…" Kim crossed her arms and frowned.

"Booyah!" Ron lit up like a chain smoker.

"My divining rod is at full attention, and it's pointing at HOT DAMN!!" Ted nearly passed out with horny bliss.

"I am most grateful for your hospitality." Yori bowed politely, showing the imps her cleavage.

"Yori, dear, this is Ron and Ted. They're a couple of sweethearts." The sexy matron wore a devilish smile and made eye contact with both of them.

"Mom, hello, we're here too… remember?" Kim continued to look annoyed.

"Quiet, honey, mommie is making a hook up." Anne ignored her daughter, as usual.

"What did she say?!" Kimberly shot a horrified glance at Shego.

"Forget it, they're HER problem now!" The villainess rolled her eyes and left the room, taking the younger redhead with her.

"Now will you boys show Yori to her room, and try to make her as "comfortable" as possible." Anne pushed the three towards the stairs.

"No problemo, Mrs. Doctor P!" Ron beamed.

"I love you, Anne!" Ted was prepared to start an internet cult for the Brain Surgeon.

Admiring her handiwork, Anne Possible walked into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee. Kim sat at the table eating a bowl of soup while Shego drew pictures of the imps being eaten by a bear on the "things to do" list.

"Mom, why are you trying to get those two laid?" KP asked her mother the question point-blank.

"I want to get Yori pregnant, dear." The woman responded even more directly.

The college girl spat a mouthful of soup across the room. "WHAT?!"

"I'm a doctor, honey, I'm curious to see what a half-asian imp would look like." The "doctor" smiled with evil glee at her stupefied daughter.

"Nice try, but those two are shooting blanks!" Shego laughed out loud and kept drawing.

"Really?" Little Red started giggling, nearly falling off her chair.

"What?!" The Brain Surgeon, however, wasn't laughing.

"You don't really think I would be playing "hide the pickle" with those two if there was a chance I could get knocked up, do you?" The devil-woman put the finishing touches on her drawing and turned to smirk at the Possible's. "They're sterilized and hypo-allergenic, for MY protection."

Anne sighed in defeat. "If nothing else, maybe it will calm Yori down. She seems a little aggressive."

* * *

Ron hit the floor sporting two black eyes and a swollen jaw, and Ted came tumbling after. The angry asian rubbed her bruised knuckles and looked down on the boys with contempt. Her demeanor changed completely when she saw the wounds disappear right before her eyes.

"I do not understand, are you onmyoji?" The girl took a step back.

"Omelet what?" Ron stood up and rubbed his face.

"Baby, we're from hell, so punch all ya want. Just as long as you sit on my lap while you're doing it." Ted winked and smiled at the ninja.

"You are DEMONS! Are you from the Court of Orochi?!" Yori became giddy as a… uh… schoolgirl… yeah.

"Uh, no, just plain ol' hell. The one that's run by that big red guy and I don't mean Santa Claus." The Ron-ster looked at the girl with intrigue.

"I have been an avid "admirer" of demons since I was a little girl. I have recorded the many spirits that I have "consorted" with on a series of scrolls. Let me show you!" The now ecstatic foreigner popped open a scroll case and unrolled the parchment within. A rather sizable list of entities spread out before them.

Ron stared with nauseous curiosity at a picture of a rather disgusting devil. "How many doo-dads does a guy need, anyway?"

"What does "consort with" mean, anyway? Did you play cards with 'em or something?" Ted narrowed an eyebrow at the demon admirer.

"No, explaining it would be difficult, so it is best if I just showed you." With a tug, Yori removed her clothing, exposing her luscious form to the two sex fiends.

Ron's jaw dropped along with Yori's clothes, as he sat there staring like an idiot. Ted, on the other hand, was a little more coherent.

"Thank gawd you mentioned Santa Claus, cause our present just unwrapped itself!"

* * *

The sound of thumping and moaning made its way into the kitchen, as the assembled ladies looked up at the ceiling with mixed reactions.

"They really unpacked the welcome wagon for her, the little darlings." Anne sipped her coffee and blushed a little.

"How is it possible that a couple of brain dead morons like those two who have NO redeeming qualities, always end up in dirty sex with little or no effort?!" Kim looked at both Shego and her mother for an answer.

"If they didn't, this story would be a complete waste of time to read!" Shego spat with disdain.

"What?!" The young redhead winced in confusion.

"Never mind…"

* * *

Rude-fus had made himself scarce after the bulldozer incident, and had headed downtown to find a means to amuse himself. He now stood in an alleyway, watching two bums beat the crap out of each other over a box of out-of-dated beef jerky. Observing the brawl, the devil-rat came up with a brilliant way to relieve boredom AND make a few bucks on the side.

An hour later, and a make shift sign had been erected displaying the words, "Bum Fights". Rude-fus stood on a box taking bets from a variety of lowlifes, while two vagrants duked it out in a ram shackled ring. The crowd began tossing various weapons into the fray, hoping the transients would "kick it up a notch".

"Any chance you could float me some credit?" A balding dead-beat pleaded to the rodent.

"Bleh!" Rude-fus punched the loser in the crotch and tossed him into the ring, where the combatants took a moment to kick his ass before turning on one another.

"Wow, I haven't had this much fun since I paid Jennifer Flowers to slap my junk around." An aging business man stood next to Rude-fus and tried making conversation. Big mistake.

The devil-rat pounded the shit out of the guy, for no real reason.

* * *

Despite a few hours having gone by, the International Sex-capade upstairs was still in full swing. Kim sat in the living room trying to read, when a boisterous shout startled her, causing her to spill her drink all over herself.

"Dammit, that's it! I'm going to put a stop to this, right NOW!" The angry redhead marched upstairs in a huff.

Yori had built a harem-like pile of pillows on her floor and the three naked acquaintances lay about the room in a sweaty heap. The Japanese devil-worshipper puffed on a decorative pipe, filling the room with opium smoke.

"What do you call that last thing you did?" Ron mumbled in a stoned, half-whispered voice.

"I call it, "dragon catches caterpillar", did you enjoy it?" The ninja blew a few smoke rings into air and coughed slightly.

"Oh yeah, you should have it patented." Ted took a swig of sake and nuzzled Yori's thigh.

Suddenly, the door flew open and revealed an angry Kim.

"Do any of you people have ANY consideration for…?" The enraged girl sniffed the air and recoiled. "Gawd, it smells like a Pakistani cat house in here, what the hell have you people been doing?!"

Yori stood up, still naked, and approached the redhead with a smooth stride.

"Could you please put some clothes on, this isn't the French Riviera!" Kim scowled at the butt nekkid ninja.

Taking a big drag from her pipe, the asian girl pressed her lips to Kim's and blew a mouth full of smoke down the redhead's throat, forcing her to stumble backwards, coughing and gagging. The younger Possible glanced around the room before passing out and hitting the floor. Yori stood there looking disappointed. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned to rejoin the devil boys, when a sinister voice stopped her in her tracks.

"So, it's a full on drug and sex romp, is it? Good thing I'm here to punch it into overtime!" Shego appeared only inches from the ninja girl, a look of total wickedness on her mug.

"I… uh… um…" Yori stammered helplessly as the devil removed her jumpsuit and grinned like a hungry mountain lion.

"Hey Yori, ya in for some Yuri?" Shego flipped the new houseguest over her shoulder and grabbed the unconscious Kim by the foot. Dragging them both to the "love nest", she proceeded to initiate an unplanned orgy, with FOUR unconscious participants. The sounds that followed could best be described as a cross between a circus fire and a parade of people suffering from Tourette's Syndrome.

In the aftermath, we find Shego taking a drag from Yori's pipe, surrounded by the bodies of her "victims". The devil had a look on her face that must have been similar to the one Nero had when he burned Rome.

'_Like I said before, I AM the PIMP!'_ The green machine looked over at the new girl, who was not only wide awake, but staring at her with a look of pure ecstasy.

"Uh, what's the 'sitch?" She raised an eyebrow in concern.

"You are a genuine FEMALE demon, yes?" Yori's dark eyes sparkled from within.

"Uh, yeah, pretty much." The older woman's "stalker sense" was tingling.

"I have been searching for a being like you for all my life, I am so happy!" The devil worshipper nuzzled the Empusa's arm and giggled. _'This has truly turned out to be a most fortuitous journey; I must make this entity MINE!'_

'_Aw hell, here we go again.'_ Shego frowned in disgust, as her sexual magnetism drew in another particle.

"Shego, why is she GROPING you?" Kim stared at Yori with angry jealousy.

"Uh… what groping?" The frown got bigger. _'Aw, DOUBLE HELL!'_

The two Shego-ites sneered at each other and one could actually see sparks snapping between the two.

Ron came to and ogled the ladies. "Hey KP, I can see your hoo-hoo nanny!"

"Shut up, Ron!" She replied.

"Sorry…"

* * *

The cops arrived in time to break up the hobo beat down, just before the steel cage and trash can match was about to start. All the participants were rounded up except Rude-fus who hid behind a dumpster and watched them leave.

"Bleh!"

Doubling his size, the devil-rat counted his winnings as he walked into a pawn shop. Walking back out, he held his newly purchased shotgun, which he used to shoot out peoples windows and flatten the tires on all the nearby cars. Stomping into a liquor store, he tied up the owner and tossed him into the back, and then proceeded to drink his fill before using the rest of his ammo to shoot up the joint. Stumbling back out into the street, he staggered a little further down the road before passing out behind a set of trash cans. Devil-rats really know how to party.

Anne sat crocheting a doily for her den of evil that included the slogan, "Rule the World or Die Trying". Listening to the cacophony upstairs, she smiled and sighed with contentment.

'_It's so good to hear the sounds of life in the house again. Perverted sounds that would get most people jail time, if not, deportation… but sounds of life, none the less.'_ Returning to her sewing, the woman turned on the T.V. and glanced at the news broadcast.

"**This just in, we have received reports claiming that an unexplainable crime wave has struck Middleton. Local resident's claim that a demented, pink troll has been sighted assaulting people and brandishing a firearm. Police are recommending that all citizens remain indoors until the "Pink Bandit" has been apprehended."**

"This used to be such a nice town too."

_**End Chapter Four**_

* * *

_**Bonus Scene 1!!**_

_The scene where Ron and Ted were forced onto Monique's game show was intended to be longer. Here is the extended version of that scene. Enjoy!_

A gorgeous, ebony woman wearing a tasteful black suit with dog collar appeared in the center of a bright spotlight. A microphone is tossed from out of the darkness and the girl caught it with one hand.

"Evenin' y'all, it's time for everyone's favorite adult game show, "Crack The Whip!" She pauses gracefully for the applause. "I'm your hostess with the mostess, ''Nique, and we've got two new contestants!"

The rest of the stage lights up to reveal a pair of racks with Ron and Ted strapped to them. A lit up score board lowered from the ceiling just above them.

"Our first contestant says he enjoys eating Styrofoam, chasing cars and waking up in jail, say hello to Ron Stoppable!" 'Nique tossed a throwing star, embedding it in Ron's forehead.

"Ow!" The Ron-ster looked up at the piece of metal in his head. "Do I get to keep this?"

"Our second contestant enjoys drinking himself to death, beating up clowns and giving… uh… 'facials'?" Monique glanced at the card with confusion.

"I don't even use my hands." Ted stated proudly.

"Anyway…" The woman shook her head to chase the thought gremlins away. "His name is Tim or something… let's play our game!"

Bonnie marched out onto the stage dressed as a latex nun carrying a bullwhip.

"Hallelujah!" Ted stared with perverted joy. "Praise the LORD!"

"Shut up, DORK!" The Bon-ster elbowed him in the Cardinal.

Tara shuffled out after her, wearing a yellow rain slicker and a fake grey beard. The girl was a dead ringer for the Borton's Fisherman.

"Uh… baby…" Monique stared at her with befuddled concern.

"What?!" The fisher-girl fired back in an annoyed tone.

"Your fish sticks are Booyah-liscious, sir." Ron looked at the sailor.

"Thank you." The blond answered matter-of-factly.

"Forget it, damn." The hostess cleared her throat and continued.

"I'll be asking you a series of questions, and for every one you get wrong…" 'Nique pointed to Bonnie.

The angry nun twirled her whip around a few times and cracked a mannequin right in the package, fracturing it in three places. She turned and fired an evil smirk at her 'victims'.

Ron turned white as a sheet and started to panic. Ted, on the other hand, was in love.

'_Alright brain, prepare to FAIL!' _The imp closed his eyes and concentrated.

_(Inside Ted's Head)_

A group of brain cells stood in front of a huge monitor, an image of Bon-Bon's holy cleavage was displayed.

"Alright gentlemen, we have our orders. It is time to commence project "dumbass". The leader saluted his troops. "Gawd speed!"

The cells whipped out handguns and began killing themselves until none remained. A valiant sacrifice… for crotch whipping.

_(Outside Again)_

Ted's left eye drifted off center and slowly made its way back. The project was a success.

"Here's our first question!" Monique eyed them with hungry expectation. "Name the adult film star who was famous for his HUGE penis."

"Aquaman!" Ron shouted with glee.

"The Big Bopper!" Ted retorted.

"That's not even close!" 'Nique crossed her arms with disgust. "Ladies…"

Bonnie began snapping Keening's crotch until the imp turned at least three different colors. Strangely enough, one of the colors was orange.

"Thank you, may I have another?" Ted smiled like a car salesman.

"Uh…" The nun just stared at him.

Tara, on the other hand, began stabbing the Stopper with a sword fish.

"You gonna eat that?" Ron asked.

"You can't, it's RENTED!" The fisher-babe smacked him in the head with it.

"Aw man!" Ron frowned and moped.

"Moving on!" 'Nique cleared her throat. "Name the celebrity who's catch phrase is, "That's hot!" She was featured in an infamous sex video."

"Paula Jones!" Ted screamed out.

"Aquaman!" Ron repeated himself.

"Aquaman is GAY, not a drag queen!" Ted corrected Ron.

"Nuh uh, he's Queen of the Fish-People!" The Ron-ster yelled back.

"What the HELL are you two talking about?!" Monique grabbed her head in frustration.

Nun Bonnie jumped on Ted's rack and began pistol-whipping him with a .45.

"Tell me how you like it now, BITCH!" The holy roller shrieked.

Tara tossed a net over Ron and started jabbing him with a cattle prod.

"Alright, this is the FINAL question!" The enraged hostess gritted her teeth. "We have no choice but to try the fuck-tard approach."

A square, white tile lowered from the ceiling. Right in its center was a big, red dot.

Grabbing a ruler from off stage, 'Nique jabbed it at the tile.

"What color is this?"

"What, the ruler?" Ted squinted at her. "It's brown, duh!"

"Aquaman!" Ron was a broken record.

"THAT'S IT!!" Monique blew her top. "I'M GONNA KILL BOTH OF YOU!"

The girl whipped out a Tommy gun and unloaded on both of them, forcing her co-hosts to dive for cover. She fired until all the ammo was expended and both imps were bloody corpses.

"Tell me who ya are now, boy!" 'Nique looked down at the idiots with exhaustion.

"Aquaman!" Ron responded.

_**End Bonus Scene**_


	5. Punching Canon in the Throat

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)

* * *

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter 5: Punching Canon in the Throat.**

"You STOLE a big-horn sheep from the ZOO?!" Kim's face was contorted into a mask of utmost confusion. "WHY?!"

The oversized animal stood in the middle of the Possible's kitchen and snorted at the redhead. Its curved horns and permanent scowl made it appear even more evil than the imps who stole it.

"Whaddaya mean why?!" Ted popped the top off of a cold one and gave it to the beast. "Look at him, he's awesome!"

"We were just doin' what you said to do, KP, why so mad?" Ron began tearing pages out of a book to feed the critter. "Protecting animals is supposed to be important, right?"

"You moron, you're supposed to save ENDANGERED animals! This sheep was in a healthy enclosure, he was in NO danger, dammit!" The young Possible froze as she took a closer look at the contents of the goat's meal. "Are those my SCHOOL BOOKS?!"

"What can I say, KP, George has a hunger for knowledge!" Stoppable pulled her diary from his pocket and stuffed it into the ewe's yap.

"You dirty son-of-a-…" Kim grabbed Ron by the throat and started strangling him.

"Pat Sajak!" Ted shouted the command word and George responded as trained. The ram snorted and charged Possible like a linebacker, slamming into her with his horns and sending her flying out a window.

"Good work, George!" Ron gave the hoofed thug a hug. "I think it's time to potty train him."

"Alright, I'll go jimmy the lock off Kim's room." Ted grabbed a crowbar from behind the fridge and the two infernal assholes walked the ram upstairs.

* * *

Kim landed in her front yard right next to the stolen boat engine, the broken pile of hockey sticks and the statue of Ed Bradley that had at one time been part of Ron and Ted's recent attempts at alleviating boredom. Picking herself up, the angry woman dusted herself off and shot enraged glances at her own house. Pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, she dialed up the Three Fates and waited for someone to pick up.

"LOOK, if this is about all those parking tickets I stuffed under your windshield wiper, don't park next to a FUCKING hydrant, you retard!" Bonnie's voice roared into Kim's ear, causing her to draw back slightly.

"Bonnie, it's ME, do you remember that "rent-to-own" idea we were kicking around?" Possible smiled like a rabid wombat. "Well, I've decided to go ahead and try it, you still in?"

"Finally, I'll grab Tara and be there in thirty minutes. For some reason, she wants the dorky blond one, so that leaves the drunk for me." Rockwaller slid her nightstick into her belt and smirked. "You better not try changing your mind like you did with whole "group marriage" idea I had, 'Nique is still a little peeved about that."

"Look, just get over here and deal with these two, okay?" Kim snapped her phone shut and exhaled. _'Shego promised to reel those two in, but she hasn't done squat! Maybe if I let B & T work on 'em for awhile, they'll lay off me for a change.'_

* * *

Yori rubbed and massaged Shego's shoulders as the Empusa sat on a stool, reading a magazine. The ninja wore a long, silk body suit that left little to the imagination.

"Shego-sama, I was thinking, when I begin making my vast wealth from my… "practice"… that we could go on vacation together. A warm island, perhaps, where we could engage in violent crime and various forms of intercourse for a few weeks, so we could get better acquainted." The devious woman kept trying to reach down and fondle the demon's "love bumps", only to have her hand pushed away over and over.

"Uh huh, whatever…" Shego paid the girl no attention, answering flatly, without eye contact.

Yori frowned and took a few steps back, eyeing the apathetic devil with annoyance. Taking a deep breath, the ninja leapt at the seductress, only to find an empty stool and a painful landing.

"Nice try, but that ain't happenin'." Shego wrapped her tail around the asian girl's waist and picked her up, holding her at eye level. "I'm flattered by your audacity, but the goody-good is officially my bitch, so I'm gonna have to say NO."

"Shego-sama, she does not support your evil nature! Surely, I can be a much better match for your wicked beauty." The horny captive tried to plant a kiss on the villainess.

Shego let out an irritated sigh and flung the ninja across the room, sticking her headfirst through the door of a closet. The devil turned to leave, only to hear her admirer call after her.

"I love you!!" Still stuck in the door, Yori blew a kiss to her "true love".

"Dammit…"

* * *

The Three Fates pulled into the driveway and piled out of the car, all three of them sporting sexy, three-piece suits and dark sunglasses. Bonnie, swathed in chocolate brown, had her nightstick in hand. Tara's pure white ensemble was nearly blinding; in her hand she carried a large attaché case. Monique, clothed in a dark blue, approached Kim and removed her shades.

"These two will be playing with your "guests", while you, Shego and I make a stop at the mall." The gorgeous, ebony babe gently sucked on the earpiece of her sunglasses.

"Fine, anything to get some time away from those idiots!" Kim looked back to see her girlfriend slam the front door in anger and cross her arms in disgust. "Shego, are you okay?"

The she-monster composed herself and smiled nervously. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just go already!"

The three shoppers jumped into Monique's mustang and roared away, leaving Bonnie and Tara to deal with the imps.

"Ronnie and I are gonna live happily ever after!" Tara opened her brief case and pulled out a bottle of chloroform and a rag. "Now I just have to knock him out and kidnap him!"

"Yeah, you have fun with that…" Rockwaller spun her nightstick in a circle and marched into the house.

* * *

Ted sucked the last few drops of scotch from the bottle he held and tossed it over his shoulder, adding it to the steadily growing pile. Ron sat on the couch next to him, eating a bowl of mashed potatoes, corn flakes, and ice cream mixed together. George the ram stood nearby, eating one of Kim's sweaters.

Ron looked up from his meal and glanced around nervously. "Dude, it felt like somebody just stepped on my grave."

"We can't die, so we won't get graves." Keening lit up a cigarette and blew a mouthful of smoke into the air. "Maybe it's that funny-putty you ate…"

"I don't know, maybe…" Stoppable scratched his chin and went back to eating, completely unaware of the spooky blond that stood behind him.

"SURPRISE!" Tara shoved the chemical soaked rag into the dork's face and held it there until he passed out.

Ted opened his mouth to laugh, but the crack of a club against his skull interrupted him. "HEY, what the hell was that for?!"

"You're gonna be my slave for the day, loser, now shut up and carry me to the corner store! I need to pick up some stuff, and I ain't walkin'!" Bon-bon smacked him again before climbing onto his back. "Now MARCH, you jackass!"

Wobbling under the extra weight, Ted stopped and looked up at the mounted maiden. "Wow, your ass is warm and soft."

A set of knuckles collided with the back of his head. "Shut UP and move, scumbag!"

* * *

Tara stuffed the Ron-ster into the back seat of a waiting cab and then climbed in after him. Slamming the door, she gave directions to the cabbie with a big, creepy smile. The older man looked back at the unconscious freckled boy and gave the babe an odd look.

"What's his problem?"

"We're in LOVE!" T-girl hugged the limp imp and shook him vigorously.

"Ain't YOU the one that's supposed to be unconscious?" The cabbie asked with a smirk.

"Hell NO!" Tara's eyes burned with little, evil skulls.

"Right, what was I thinkin'?" The driver started the meter and drove off, but not before shuddering slightly. _'I remember when girls was cute…'_

* * *

Monique, Kim and Shego wandered through the Middleton Mall, looking for a specific store. "The Tanned Hide" leather shop was owned and operated by an old school friend of The Three Fates, the beautiful Amelia, who had finished a repair job on an item of Monique's.

"Your "Love Hand" is as good as new, sweetie." Amelia held up a shoulder length, black leather glove covered with spikes. "You know I found a tooth stuck between a few of those points. Any idea who it belongs to?"

"He's probably long gone by now. Ya break a guys jaw and he turns around and breaks your heart, what a world." Monique handed over her credit card and turned to Shego. "Thank gawd for those imps of yours, girl, I don't know what we would do without 'em."

The devil lady plucked a bull whip off of a nearby rack and twisted it in her hands. "Yeah, I trained those boys to please, and I don't screw around when it comes to pain."

"They're both a couple of assholes, if you ask me!" Kim kept her distance from the paraphernalia; this particular lifestyle was amusing to her once, but no longer. "I'm just glad to be away from them for a change."

"Girl, you've been too damn uptight lately!" Monique placed her glove into a gift bag and approached her grumpy friend. "I miss the "evil" Kim, where did she go?"

"Apparently, she is safely tucked between Kim-san's butt cheeks." Yori suddenly appeared behind Possible dressed like a biker model. "I also believe there is a rather large stick jammed up there as well."

"Aw hell, here we go…" Shego crossed her arms and frowned, an inevitable shit-storm was about to start.

"Just what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?!" Kim turned around sharply and glared the ninja right in the eye.

"Uh, who the hell is that?" Monique looked to Shego with confusion.

"Simply put, you are too "vanilla" to handle a demon like Shego-sama. You had best leave her to someone who can best match her evil capacity, like me for example." Yori placed her hands on her hips and flashed a mocking smile at Kim.

"You might be right, after all, how can I compete with a slut that fell into the sack with the two biggest jackasses in town within fifteen minutes of walking into my house." Kim fired a grin so smug that it could rip the varnish off a foot locker.

"Damn…" Monique put her hand over her mouth and winced.

"She's got ya there, Lucy Lui." Shego clicked her teeth and sneered.

The ninja girl gritted her teeth and glowered for a moment, before bowing politely and turning away. Suddenly, she spun back around and caught Possible with a right hook that knocked the redhead back a few steps.

"SO, you wanna get rough now, huh?" Kim wiped her busted lip and frowned. Swinging her foot in a low arch, Possible nailed the asian right in the shin with a loud "crunch".

Yori jumped up and down as she rubbed her leg vigorously to dull the pain. "As you American's say, IT'S ON!" The girl took a fighting pose and waited for Kim's response.

"BRING IT, BITCH!" Kim lunged at Yori and a full fledged, knock-down, drag-out fight started.

"Oh SHIT!" Monique dove under a bench to avoid the rumble.

"Now THIS is interesting!" Shego punched a soda machine and grabbed one of the cans that fell out. Popping the top, she leaned against a wall and watched the fight.

Both combatants let out all the stops as customers ran screaming to get away from the flurry of blows that followed. Clothing racks were knocked over, potted plants were smashed, trash cans were hurled through the air and mall security guards were beaten senseless. What was once an immaculate shopping center was now a demilitarized zone, with devastation stretching from one end to the other. The two girls who caused it were both ripped and bloody, but still fighting when the sound of sirens filled the air.

"Oh SHIT, we don't need THIS!" Shego grabbed 'Nique around the waist and ran towards Possible in a panic. "C'mon, Princess, I ain't got the cash to bail you out of jail, so let's move!"

"This ISN'T over, bitch!" Kim hissed over her shoulder at the ninja, as she was forcefully dragged through a nearby emergency exit.

Yori scowled at the redhead before being surrounded by cops. The lead officer strode forward, drew his sidearm and ordered her to put her hands on her head. The asian thug complied only long enough to toss a pellet at her feet which exploded into a billowing cloud of smoke. The policemen coughed and gasped, as they stumbled around blindly inside the fogbank. When the air finally cleared, the foreign beauty was gone, leaving the boys-in-blue to scratch their heads in confusion.

* * *

Ted leaned against the wall of the Quickly-Stop, drenched with sweat and gasping for air. He had carried the forceful brunette several miles on his back, taking punches to the back of the head, and being chased by dogs all at the same time. Despite his haggard appearance, the imp was pleased, as the only thing on his mind was the image of Rockwaller's perfect ass pressing against his back.

A group of grubby little kids approached the Ted-ster and eyed him suspiciously.

"Hey mistor, whut happ'ned ta yoo?" The brat who closely resembled a much younger Jonathon Taylor Thomas questioned.

"I was being chased down the street by… Michael Jackson!" Ted lunged at them, causing the kids to squeal in terror and scatter in all directions.

Rockwaller stepped out of the store and body checked a leering dork into a trashcan before marching up to Keening.

"Okay, LOSER, now that you're finished traumatizing the local children, it's time to haul me back to Possible's house!" Bonnie grabbed him by the collar and looked him dead in the eye.

"I… I think I LOVE you…" Ted half mumbled as he stared back at the vicious Dom.

"Love me later, CARRY me NOW!" The girl climbed on his back and began driving her sharp heels into his kidneys and smacking him in the head.

The imp turned to leave, when a black mini-van squealed into the parking lot at full speed, nearly running the two over. Ted leaned left and right, as his balance was thrown off by the near miss.

"You drop me, doofus, and I'll be using your scrotum as a punching bag!" Rockwaller jumped off his back, punched him in the face, and turned to scold the reckless driver. "You crazy BASTARD, do you have any idea WHO I am?!"

The driver side window rolled down to reveal Betty Director, who addressed the enraged woman with a look of desperation.

"Miss Rockwaller, I need you and Theodore to assist me in an experiment. I need to update my Demon Database, and poor Josh is still in counseling!" The one-eyed woman smiled sweetly at Bonnie, giving her a pleading look.

"I paid good money to have my way with this drunken fucktard, why the HELL should I waste my time helping YOU?" The brunette crossed her arms and scowled.

"You'll get to stab him with sharp and unusual items, and get PAID to do it!" Betty waggled her eyebrows and smiled evilly.

"DEAL!" Bon-bon turned to the imp and sneered. "It's been awhile since I've "poked" a guy, you're a lucky man, dumbass!"

Ted, however, didn't hear a word of the conversation, as he was too busy shoving garbage up the tail pipes of the various cars in the lot.

"You say something, baby?" Keening walked up to Bonnie and winked.

"Shut up and get in the van, BITCH!" Rockwaller grabbed and tossed him into the vehicle before climbing in after him.

"Wonderful, now off we go!" Betty hit the gas and tore out of the lot at full speed, side swiping a bus and plowing over several signs before disappearing up the street.

* * *

Anne Possible stood next to a vat of thick, blue liquid that sloshed around in its tank like a giant amoeba. An army of scientists and henchmen milled about the facility, running tests and carrying equipment.

"So tell me, Doctor, have you found any practical uses for my imp D.N.A.?" The evil villain craned her neck and gave her employee a sweet smile.

"Well…" The man in the lab coat cleared his throat nervously, and led her to an observation room. "We tried injecting it into a few test subjects, but the results were less than impressive."

The good doctor pressed a few buttons on a nearby console and a screen opened up to reveal the contents of the adjoining room. A group of henchmen lay scattered on the floor inside, surrounded by heaps of empty bottles and beer cans, none of them moving.

"Good lord, are they all DEAD?!" Anne recoiled in shock and turned to her crony with anger.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. It would seem the host subject's alcoholism was genetic, all these men died of alcohol poisoning." The man smiled nervously and took a few steps away from the Surgeon.

"Please tell me this isn't the ONLY test you ran?" The elder Possible waver her "finger" at the man and frowned hard.

"Oh no, we have a few others to check up on, just follow me." The frightened man hurriedly led the woman to a large garage door on one of the outer walls.

As the door rolled upwards, a test vehicle shot past them, running over henchmen and plowing headlong into everything in its path. The man behind the wheel was powerless to control it; all he could do was hold on and scream for his life.

"What the HELL is going on here!" Anne gritted her teeth and glowered at the now terrified flunky.

"We converted the substance into a fuel additive; obviously, it's not working out so well." The man held his clipboard in front of him, in hopes it would save his grubby ass from the impending pain.

The crazed car slammed into a wall of machinery and exploded, setting several workers on fire. The flaming gents ran around in circles screaming in blind agony.

"That's strike TWO, doctor!" The redhead grabbed the coward by the neck and stared him in the eye.

"Not to worry, we have one trial that's still in progress. Let's go see how it's faring, shall we?" The frightened man swallowed hard and smiled weakly at his employer.

Pulling away from the angry leader's death grip, the portly fellow led her through the complex to a viewing room nearby. Pulling aside a curtain, the two were stunned by the spectacle within. A group of men and women were in the midst of a full blown orgy, with clothing scattered everywhere.

"What the HELL is THIS!!" The Brain surgeon lifted him off his feet and shook him like rag doll.

"We evaporated some of the substance and pumped the resulting gas into this room, we had no idea it would act as an aphrodisiac!" The doctor struggled to escape the evil woman's impending wrath.

Anne gave him the "finger" repeatedly, reducing him to a charred pile of burnt man mush. The woman turned to leave, when something in the porn room caught her attention. Moving up to the window, the villain gasped in surprise.

"Wendy?!

The perky secretary pressed her naked chest against the window and smiled weakly. "Hello, ma'am, I'll be with you in a second."

A pair of horny guys picked the nekkid administrative assistant up and carried her back to the love fest, leaving Anne to fume over the failure of her plan.

"All I can do now is flush the stuff down the toilet…"

* * *

The Middleton Community pool wasn't particularly crowded this time of year, but there were enough loud mouth guys around to shout cat calls at the gorgeous blond in the black two-piece that sauntered up to poolside wearing a pair of tasteful, open toed sandals. Ron appeared behind her, carrying the towels and a cooler. The boy wore a pair of cargo shorts and a red t-shirt with black lettering that read, "I went to the Lake of Fire and all I got was incinerated!"

Tara dove into the pool and resurfaced, glistening with water and looking about as delicious as a full course meal, with dessert and free coffee on the side.

"Man, I would eat an entire box of cereal out of that chick's ass!" A rotund nerd standing next to Stoppable was practically drooling over the beautiful nixie.

"Dude, weak!" Ron glanced at the dork with a look of disgust.

"Well, I would!" The loser defended his grotesque statement and went back to salivating uncontrollably.

"I had to watch my best friend do that once, and it was the last time, I mean it!" The freckled imp was about to jump into the water to join the mermaid, when a group of thuggish toughs surrounded him.

"Listen, pussy, my latest issue of "Bullies Monthly" says that if I kick your ass, your sexy girlfriend will give me and my boys a hummer!" The lead mongoloid looked down at Ron with a face reminiscent of a gorilla set loose from a burn center.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, how many gallons of anti-freeze did you have to drink to get a dumb idea like that?" Stoppable stared at the idiots in amazement.

"Dude, he's raggin' on anti-freeze, that stuff makes some great daiquiris!" One of the burnt ape's buddies spoke up.

"No more reasonable arguments, its clobberin' time!" All three thugs drew back their fists to wallop the imp.

Ron quickly changed into a skunk and sprayed all three with a blast of noxious stink, sending them running in the opposite direction.

"Oh gawd, my EYES!"

"It smells like my Uncle Rudy's bedroom!"

Stoppable changed back as Tara approached him and grabbed his arm.

"What are you doing, Ronnie, trying to escape?" Tara gave him a little nudge and laughed.

Ron looked down at the beeping object affixed to his ankle and swallowed hard. "Of course not, uh… I was just… thinking about how cute you are, eheh."

"Okay, Ronnie-bear, I believe you." The evil nixie frowned and sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"

"Uh, we should probably move to the other side of the pool, I think that odor is someone playin' a Justin Timberlake CD over here." Ron pushed the blond away from the stench cloud and gathered up their supplies.

Tara unrolled her towel and turned to the imp. "Would you grab my lotion out of the bag, Snookums?"

"Uh, sure, no problem." Stoppable held up the bottle and turned to look at his creepy captor.

The siren laid down on her towel and struck a seductive pose, gently sucking her finger, she looked Ron dead in the eyes and in a husky tone said, "Rub it on me."

The boy's eyes popped open as wide as they could go. He squeezed the bottle of lotion with such force, that the cap flew off and a geyser of suntan oil shot up into the air and struck a bird in flight. The greasy pigeon sailed out of control and smashed right into the lifeguard's face, causing the poor guy to fall off of his high chair and land on a nearby barbeque grill. The grill fell over and spilled hot charcoal onto a blanket that immediately caught fire. The flames sent the pool goers into a mad panic that sadly, caused imp Ron to get trampled as they made a mad dash for the exit.

Stoppable stood up and brushed himself off. His clothes were shredded and covered with footprints, while the cooler and all the food it contained had been stolen. To add insult to injury, his shorts fell down.

"Aw, man…" The blond looked down and a sad expression crept over his face.

Tara laughed so hard that one of her perfect breasts popped out of her top, like a friendly groundhog jumping up to say "hello".

Ron stared in amazement, as he squeezed the bottle again and shot himself in the eye with the lotion. "EWW, man!"

"Now YOU know how it feels!" Tara fired a sinister glance at the boy before replacing her "boulder" back into its "holder".

Ron wiped the oily goop from his face and looked at the crazy girl with fear. "Well, it's been fun… but I better be goin…"

The giggling harpy stabbed the imp with a stun gun, shocking the hell out of him and dropping him in his tracks.

"Oh no you don't, Ronnie-bear; we still have to visit the enchanted forest!" A shadow crept over the girls face, chilling the Ron-ster to the core.

"Uh… what's an "enchanted forest"?" Ron curled into a frightened ball and shuddered under the terrifying blond's presence.

"Just a little something I whipped up in our back yard, you'll DIE for it!" Tara belted out a laugh so wicked, that every bird in earshot took off and flew for safety.

"Aw, man… where is Ted when I need him?

* * *

Ted sat in a chair in the Possible's dining room while Betty Director stood in front of him with a clip board, wearing her trademark, skin tight, navy blue jump suit. Bonnie stood off to one side, looking annoyed.

"Okay, let's try some silver." The one-eyed woman glanced at Bonnie and nodded.

"With pleasure!" Rockwaller grabbed a silver dagger from a pile of assorted objects on the table and stabbed Ted in the chest. Wearing an evil grimace, she twisted the dagger several times before pulling it out. Ted, who felt very little, took the opportunity to grope her perfectly shaped ass.

"Anything?" Betty asked as her eyebrow rose in an inquisitive manner.

"Oh yeah, this feels great!" Ted answered without looking at her, his attention was firmly rooted to the junk in Rockwaller's trunk.

"No, I meant the material…" Betty frowned, as it was obvious the attack was unsuccessful.

"You like that, don't you BITCH?" Bonnie shoved her crotch in his face and raked her nails down his back.

"Let's see, now try the obsidian." She picked up a dark, primitive looking shard of stone and handed it to Bonnie.

The tanned Dome jabbed the shard into Ted's skull repeatedly until it was in pieces. "Call me a Goddess, you SCUMBAG!"

Keening mumbled a response, but it was unintelligible, due to the fact that he was wearing Rockwaller like a mask.

"As amusing and exciting as this trial has turned out, it seems ALL my previous data concerning demonic weakness is FALSE. I wonder what exactly your weakness is, Teddy dear." Dr. Director set the clipboard down and patted Ted on his head. "Thank you, Miss Rockwaller, you have been most helpful!" Betty placed a small kiss on the girl's cheek.

"Do you want me to stab him with all of them at once, just to be sure?" The manic woman was grinding herself into the imp with such force that the back of the chair started to crack.

"No, but please continue what you're doing." The sound of a cell phone caught the hunter's attention. Grabbing it out of her duffel, she flipped it open and answered it. "This is Miss B, what's the sitch'? Uh huh… I see… when? I'll be there shortly!" Slapping the phone shut, she looked at the two young people. "Would you two mind helping me with something else?"

"For twenty percent of your fee." Bonnie answered quickly, not turning her attention away from her "victim".

Ted pushed Rockwaller away for a second to respond. "What do I get?"

Betty knelt down and whispered into his ear.

"Seriously, ALRIGHT, count me IN!" Keening jumped out of the chair, picked up Bonnie, slung her over her shoulder, and ran outside to Betty's van.

Dr. Director smiled, gathered up her equipment and walked after her new "assistants".

* * *

Kim stepped out of the dressing room at Club Banana wearing a new outfit to replace the one that had been destroyed during the "mall brawl". Looking up, she nearly tripped at the sight of Shego and Monique making out.

"SHEGO, what the HELL are you doing?!" The redhead forced the two apart and glared at her mate.

"She bet me ten bucks that I didn't have the guts to do it." Shego licked her lips and grinned at the ebony trickster.

"That's what she does when she wants attention." Kim frowned at Moni' and sat down between the two.

"You talk big now, girl, but you fell for that same wager at least a DOZEN times." The ebony sweetheart blinked innocently and chuckled.

"Ooooh, a chocolate Possible sandwich, I kinda like the sound of that!" Shego produced a wad of bills and waved them at Kim. "Twenty bucks says you won't french the 'Nique-ster!"

"Make it THIRTY!" Monique held up a ten and smirked like a jackal.

Kim was about to protest, until she considered the money she just spent on her new outfit. "Alright, but no groping!"

"I ain't promisin' nuthin', baby!" Moni leapt onto her friend and proceeded to molest her.

A stock boy stood staring wide-eyed with a steadily growing bulge in his trousers.

"How's THAT for race relations, eh Pee-Wee?" The devil woman elbowed the aroused loser in his package and laughed hysterically as he doubled over and groaned.

The store manager ran over and froze at the wrestling match going on in the middle of his business. "What is this?"

"I'll let ya watch, but it'll cost ya twenty bucks a minute." Shego imposed herself between the fat guy and the sex-pectacle on the floor.

The balding man handed her a piece of paper and smiled. "This is a signed, blank check. Just write in the amount and we'll be fine!"

"Pleasure doin' business with ya." The opportunistic fiend scribbled a few things on the check and stuffed it down her cleavage.

"Now I just need to get some lotion and a roll of paper towels." The sweaty pervert ran towards his stock room, knocking over his own merchandise in a mad rush.

"Ew…" Shego turned to look at the grope fest and recoiled in surprise. "Good gawd, Halle Berry, you could save some of that for behind closed doors!"

"I don't tell you how to do YOUR job, do I?!" Monique shouted at the flesh merchant as she proceeded to escort Miss Possible to "O" country.

"Seein' this, we're gonna have to start callin' you Kobe Bryant!" The devil snatched the moaning stock boy's wallet out of his pocket and nipped his cash.

"That's cool, because I'm about to SCORE!" 'Nique worked the redhead like an accordion.

"That's not what I was referrin' to, but it works." Shego crossed her legs and started filing her nails.

"Oh gawd, Snowman Hank!!" Kim moaned at the top of her lungs.

Both of her friends stared at her with stupefied amazement. "WHAT?!"

Kimberly blushed and smiled nervously. "Uh… nothing… eheh."

* * *

The P.I.S.S.E.D. minivan pulled up next to a fog enshrouded pond, the forest surrounding it was eerie and silent, like in a horror movie. Betty stepped out from the drivers' seat and opened the side door. Bonnie stepped out, sporting a black jumpsuit that mirrored Dr. Director's. The front zipper was pulled down enough to reveal cleavage so sweet that it would give gummi bears diabetes. Keening hopped out of the vehicle wearing a white suit with targets painted all over it and the word "bait" written across his back.

The imp ogled Rockwaller and her "full frontal assault". "You are one SMOKIN' hot tamale, Bon-bon!"

"You bet your ASS I am, and if your lucky and do everything I say, you just might find your face camping in there, got it?" Rockwaller gave him a sneer and pushed him against the van with force.

"What about Lil' Ted, can he go camping in the mountains too?" The pervert smiled with horny expectation.

"We'll see!" Bonnie grabbed his Lil' Ted and gave it a hard squeeze.

"Alright troops, according to my client, a demon supposedly lives in this pond. So we need to be careful and try to observe the entity before we attempt contact." Betty produced a spy glass from her pack and held it up to her good eye.

"Why don't we let it rip Mr. Invincible here to shreds and when it gets tired, we jump in and kick its ass!" Bonnie looked at the hunter with annoyance.

"We don't know if we CAN kick its ass, yet. Let's just be patient and hope we get some sex… I MEAN results out of this!" Betty turned towards the lake to hide her blushing face.

A loud splash nearby caught the groups attention, as they moved in to investigate. A strange, green skinned, fish creature swam and frolicked about the pond, making quite a racket as it did so. The beast emitted a strange, clicking, squeaking noise as it cavorted.

"It seems to be some kind of water demon, how interesting." Dr. Director pulled what appeared to be a small satellite dish out of her bag and sat it pointing towards the monster. Connecting the dish to a hand unit with a long, black cable, she placed a pair of headphones over her ears and listened intently.

"You're supposed to be a demon, does that THING look familiar?" Bonnie grabbed Ted by his lapel and shook him.

"I've never seen that chick before, all the water we got back home is usually on fire." Ted squinted at the sea creature.

"It's female, are you sure?" Betty pulled the headphones away from her ears for a second.

"The boobs and crotch are a dead giveaway." The imp motioned to the sea beast's anatomy.

"Well, that explains the translation I'm getting." Director looked down at the screen of her device and furrowed her brow.

"What are you doing, anyway?" Rockwaller peered over shoulder.

"This is a translation device. It converts the incomprehensible noises that most monstrous creatures make and compares it to our vast library of languages and displays the results in text, see?" She held up the do-hickey and pointed to the screen. "According to this, our sea-devil female is lonely… and horny."

"Ew, I am not getting involved in this! You'll find me in the van when you're finished with your "research." Rockwaller walked away in disgust, climbed back into the P.I.S.S.E.D. mobile and slammed the door.

"So what ARE you going to do, Miss B?" Ted rubbed the back of his head nervously and eyed the woman.

"Oh, you're going to do plenty!" Dr. Director picked up Ted and tossed him into the lake. Hiding behind some bushes, she peered through the foliage and giggled in anticipation.

Ted stood there soaking wet and looking dejected. "You coulda asked me first, I would have just dove in." Looking around, Keening turned back and yelled to the hunter. "I think she's gone." Suddenly, the imp was drug below the water and both he and the green creature emerged in a huge splash.

Dr. Director stared wide-eyed as the she-creature took Ted hungrily, making one hell of a racket in the process. Bonnie stormed out of the van an approached the lake, a look of rage in her eyes.

"I didn't say you could fuck MY slave, fish slut!" Rockwaller dove into the pond and engaged in a fist fight with the sea creature, as they struggled for ownership of Ted, who both laughed AND screamed all the while.

Betty wore a huge, dirty smile as she watched. _'This is SO hot!'_

Keening stumbled out of the water to catch his breath, when Betty reached through the bushes and grabbed him. Dragging him back to her hiding place, she proceeded to ravage him even more viciously than the monster did.

"Oh gawd, Ted, take me… take me NOW!" The one-eyed hunter gave in to her twisted fetish and rocked Ted's world. The bushes were shaking like the forest had been hit by an earthquake and the imp commenced screaming again.

The three "hunters" sat in the van on the way home looking like survivors from a squid attack, their clothes were ripped to shreds and were soaking wet.

"Well, it turns out the creature was just your standard mer-beast and not a demon. Still, the experience WAS quite satisfying!" Betty looked back at Ted and flashed him a smile.

"So THIS is what you DO for a living?" Bonnie looked at Dr. Director with amusement. "Did you encourage that Josh guy to get raped by monsters too?"

"Personally, I would rather be the one who was taken, but given the creatures gender, I think this was the correct course of action." Betty glanced back and noticed Ted was holding a slip of paper and giving it a confused stare. "What do you have there, sweetie?"

"The monster wants me to join her friends list on her My Space page…"

* * *

Ron's unconscious brain carried him to a magical place in his deranged imagination. The imp floated down a rainbow river on a graham cracker boat, surrounded by candy islands and marshmallow clouds, while singing fish regaled him with songs by Bryan Adams (yuk!). Strawberry Spongecake and Captain Munch stood on the shore and waved at the fellow.

"You never called me back, you asshole!" The little dessert girl shouted.

"When you see the blond again, grab her boobies, lad!" The Captain ordered.

"Yes sir!" Ron fired a salute and returned to reality.

He found himself in what appeared to be an expansive forest of pine trees. A loud voice suddenly filled the air, scaring the daylights out of the imp.

"Welcome to my enchanted forest, Ronnie! We're gonna have some fun now!" Tara's voice echoed over an intercom that rested on the branches of a nearby tree.

"What is this place?" Stoppable stood up and looked around. "Is this really your back yard?"

"Yep, after Bon-bon's dad invented birth control chewing gum, her family made fat bank. So I blackmailed her with some pictures of her as a baby I stole from her parent's house. I used the money to build this magical place, and you get to be the first guy to see it!" The girl cackled like a monster, making Ron shiver in his shoes.

"Uh, this is really neat and all, but I'm allergic to nature and stuff." The boy peered around nervously and scratched the back of his head. "Can I go now?"

"Not until you meet your new friend, Mr. Bear!"

A loud rumbling noise filled the air as an animatronic bruin covered with bloody wounds and baring huge, drooling fangs appeared and started chasing the Stopper. The poor boy squealed in terror and ran for his life, as the beast nipped at his heels and shredded his clothes. As Ron turned to look at the bear giving up its pursuit, he ran face first into a tree and fell to the ground in a heap.

"Mr. Bear had to leave, but fortunately the happy squirrel family was there to keep the boy company." Tara's voice bounced off of the pines and brought the imp back to his senses.

A mass of furry rodents with red, glowing eyes surrounded the fallen moron and growled menacingly.

"Uh, hey guys, whassup?" Ron tried to play it cool, but failed.

The mass of squirrels swarmed the freckled victim and began chewing the shit out of him. Ron ran around like an idiot, waving his arms and screaming like a new born baby.

"Mr. Tumnus appeared and offered Ron a helping hand." The blond giggled with all the joy of a mad I.R.S. agent.

A goat man jumped out of the bushes and began bashing the idiot with a club, being careful to avoid hitting the clutch of biting animals swarming around his head. Ron stumbled around blindly until he fell into a nearby river. The squirrels and the goat man gave up their assault and hurled obscenities at him from the shore, as Stoppable slowly floated away.

"Well, this is a little better." Ron leaned back and let the current carry him downstream.

"Fisherman Ron was in luck, for this time of year, the fish were biting!"

"Uh… okay, I don't like the sound of that." The imp watched in horror as a school of piranha surrounded him and began ripping him to pieces.

The sound of horrid screams filled the air as a bloody skeleton climbed onto the shore and collapsed in a heap. Flesh and muscle grew back rapidly, as the Ron-ster begged for mercy.

"Little did the stupid boy know, but he had wandered into the lair of the infamous Horny Troll!" Tara squealed with delight as a lumbering monstrosity came into view.

A massive green humanoid with Don King hair and a huge dong shambled up to the steadily healing Stopper, its stained tank top read, "Call me a postman, cuz I'm shoving a letter in your male-box."

"NOOOOOOO!" The Ron-man pleaded for mercy, as an arrow flew out of nowhere and buried itself in the Troll's head, dropping it instantly.

Tara appeared, dressed as Robin Hood (in tights) carrying a longbow.

"The sexy ranger appeared and rescued the wimpy boy from a fate worse than dating Mike Tyson." Tara Hood smiled at the whimpering sod and blew him a kiss.

"Please tell me this is over!"

"For her brilliant rescue, the helpless dumb ass gave himself to the sexy ranger, who proceeded to rape him savagely!" Tara fired a poisoned arrow at the imp, nailing him in the chest.

Ron opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell over. The horny ranger dragged the boy behind a tree, ripped his clothes off and proceeded to "burgle" his "Sherwood".

"Well, young man, we need to burn this forest down…" Drew appeared and stepped towards the pair, only to jump back in revulsion. "Good LORD, I'll come back when you're not so… busy!"

The mad man hid behind a bush and cowered. "Horrible… so HORRIBLE!" The blue guy began to suck his thumb and shiver.

* * *

Rude-fus kicked open the front door and marched into the Possible house wearing a look of pure rage. The devil rat had spent the last few days dodging cops and hiding from the F.B.I. Jumping up onto the couch, the creature flipped on the television and sunk into the cushions to sleep.

"Mmeeeeehhhhh!"

A hellish sound caused the infernal rodent to jump up and peer around the room with a look of annoyed dismay. Rude-fus hopped off the furniture and walked into the kitchen, only to come face to face with George the Ram. The beast was eating magazines and newspapers amidst piles of broken furniture.

"Bleh!" Rude-fus chirped at the animal.

"Meh!" The goat answered back.

"BLEH!" The devil rat peeped louder.

"Mleh!" The sheep altered its cry to match the hell spawn.

Rude-fus scratched his tiny chin, as he put his evil brain to work. Looking at the ram with a wicked gleam, he led the creature out of the house and into the garage.

Moments later, the people milling about the streets of downtown Middleton were sent screaming in panic as a pink, muscular midget wearing a Viking helmet and dual wielding a baseball bat and a handgun came barreling at them riding on the back of a big horn sheep that was covered in make-shift barding and snorting smoke. The rampaging monsters began smashing property and beating the hell out of pedestrians as they ran amuck all over the city, causing local nut cases to declare that one of the Rider's of the Apocalypse had arrived and the world was doomed.

News channels reported the story, which spread like wild fire all over the country. Policemen, F.B.I. agents and Susan Sarandon were everywhere, trying to catch sight of the now infamous, Pink Goatman of Middleton.

* * *

Our three mall walkers were now seated in a movie theatre, being bored to death by the latest rendition of "Same Crap, Different Day" by "Who Really Gives a Shit?" Monique had insisted on sitting in the lap of her new "friend with benefits".

"Uh, 'Nique, you're kind of in my way… could you move, please?" Kim squirmed this way and that, trying to dislodge the groping hands of her new admirer.

"Sure, baby, you can touch it." Moni nuzzled the redhead and tried planting a kiss on her.

"Shego, she's not even listening to me anymore, what do I do?" Possible looked to her girlfriend with desperate eyes, trying in vain to escape the ebony love monster in her lap.

"Welcome to the club, Princess." The devil finished her wine cooler and tossed the empty bottle at the head of the nearest member of the audience. "If you'd have just done this with her a week ago, she'd have gotten over you by now and focused her desperate need for affection on someone else."

The groping Moni looked up at her pale paramour and fired an unexpected question. "Didn't you use to save the world from super villains?"

Kim let out a depressed sigh and smiled at her molester. "Well, it's kinda funny you should ask me that…"

The air around the three became fuzzy and out of focus, causing Monique to freak.

"What the hell is this?!" The panicked girl shook Possible with desperation.

"Relax, she's having a flashback. Pay attention and we might just learn something." Shego leaned back and propped her feet up on the seat in front of her.

* * *

(A week before the imps arrived at Kim's house.)

The trademark beep of the Kimunicator brought Kim running into her room, her hair soaking wet and wearing only a bath towel; the girl had been in the middle of taking a shower.

"Hey Wade, what's the 'sitch?" Possible chimed in with her signature greeting.

The boy genius appeared on screen looking haggard and a bit unbalanced. "Kim, has anyone from the cracker industry tried to contact you?!"

"Uh, no… why?" The redhead looked at the screen with concern.

"I've stumbled onto a MAJOR conspiracy involving the Wheat-Muncher cracker company, Bigfoot, and the Saucer People. They're draining the memories from dead celebrities and using them to take over Sweden!" The boy had big, dark circles under his eyes and he twitched in a disturbing manner.

"Uh,… Wade, you didn't try messing with that mind control device we found in Dementor's place, did you?" Kim stared in frantic disbelief.

"Just because it went haywire and blasted me in the forehead, knocking me out for several hours and untipping my brain chemistry, doesn't mean that I'm not in serious danger here!" Wade became more agitated and started shaking. "These people are trying to kill me, Kim, kill ME!"

"Look, maybe you should just relax and, I don't know, call a shrink… maybe?" She flashed him a frightened smile.

"This is HUGE, Kim, even my parents are involved! They've been replaced by replicants, who have been trying to breach my security for days now!" An alarm went off and a series of red lights began to flash, as Wade's mom knocked on the door and tried to enter.

"Wade, sweetie, are you okay in there?" The woman struggled with the doorknob.

"I don't understand, my still suit should have reflected their tracking devices, how did they find me?" The boy stepped away from his desk to reveal his "suit", layer after layer of tin foil had been wrapped around him and topped off with a trash can lid for a hat. "They'll never take me alive; I'll get them with my incapacitation foam!" Wade grabbed a fire extinguisher and aimed it at the door. His mother stepped in and was greeted by a blast of chemicals, which was soon followed by a lot of screaming and yelling.

"Uh, Wade… hello?!" Kim grimaced as she watched the spectacle.

"The foam failed, I have no choice but to flood the room and hide out in the crawl space!" The tin foil-boy set off the sprinkler system and dove into a hole in the floor. Everything in the room was drenched, and Wade watched through a tiny window on the wall. "Don't worry, Kim, once it's all over, you and I can repopulate the world, as long as the oxygen in here doesn't run out!" The line suddenly went dead.

"Oh…. Boy… uh… Damn…" The girl shoved the device into her dresser and walked away, whistling nervously.

* * *

(And now, back to the present…sort of…)

The swirlyness in the air went away and Monique stared at Kim with confusion. "So, the boy went crazy?"

"Yeah, he's in an institution now, but I hear he's stopped convulsing and is actually holding down solid food again!" Kim gave the girl an embarrassed look.

"So I guess your world saving gig is shot?" Shego yawned with boredom and began kicking the guy in the seat in front of her.

"Sadly, yes, but I'm sure I'll get back on the horse someday… I hope." The redhead visibly sagged and frowned.

"Girl, I'm gonna be there for you night and day, until you get your groove back!" The groping fan squeezed the redhead until she yelped in pain.

"She… go… HELP!!" Possible gasped for air and extended her hand towards the Empusa, begging for help.

"I got problems of my own, kiddo!" The devil woman was also trying to extricate some excess baggage in the form of the obsessed Yori who had lunged from the shadows and was now trying to unzip her jumpsuit. "Gawd, this is worse than riding the New York Metro!"

* * *

Betty had recommended that the hunters return to her house, rather than Possible's, which as of late seemed to be an attractant for weirdness. The two women ordered Ted to take a seat in the living room and both of them disappeared upstairs. The imp wandered around the place poking his nose into everything. Between leafing through her magazines and setting up her Rummle figurines into battle positions, Keening made a nuisance of himself to pass the time.

"Man, did those two forget about me?" Ted looked at the floor, feeling dejected.

Bonnie's voice suddenly broke the silence. "Fun time, FROOB!" Before he could turn to face her, the man felt a massive pain in his side and everything went black.

When he finally came to, he found himself tied to Betty's bed, wearing only his boxers.

"I thought you guys ditched me." Ted looked towards the bathroom, as he could hear the ladies voices from within.

Betty and Bonnie walked into the room dressed as devils; a stun gun was visible in Rockwaller's grip.

"Hell no, we just needed time to prepare!" The tanned temptress stood next to him and petted him on the head. "I'm going to give our hunter friend here a crash course in femme-dom, you game… dork?"

"Yes Mistress!" Ted giggled like a fiend.

Dr. Director lugged a huge trunk into the room and dropped it on the floor with a loud "thud".

"Uh, what's in the trunk?" The bound boy questioned.

"Well, Teddy dear, if you have a weakness… we're going to find it." The woman with the eye patch held up a platinum lance and polished it.

"You know, I've got a bit of a weakness for oral sex!" He joked.

"Good, I'll start with that!" Bonnie jumped on the bed and sat on his face, shutting him up.

"I think he meant "receiving" it…" Betty chuckled at her new teacher.

"Like hell he did, now give me that nail gun, it's time for class!"

"Oh my…"

* * *

Members of the National Guard surrounded a large crate containing the recently apprehended George and Rufus, who were eventually captured after they both got drunk and passed out. Anne Possible and her cronies arrived with a large storage vehicle that had been painted to read, "New Department of Animal Control."

"Well, ma'am, this is the creature." The soldier in charge of the containment looked over his paperwork and rubbed his forehead in thought. "I had no idea that you guys handled this sort of thing."

The redhead had disguised herself and her henchmen as members of the aforementioned public service department in hopes of acquiring the monster that had been plastered all over the news.

"Well, the Department of Homeland Security gave us a big upgrade after Michael Richards pulled his little "outburst"." Anne smiled sweetly at the gentleman as her helpers loaded the sleeping creeps into the truck. "Not to worry, we'll have these two sedated and busting tables at Denny's in no time!"

Climbing into the cab, the Surgeon nodded to Wendy, who threw the vehicle into gear and drove off.

"So, what are we gonna do with these… things?" The perky secretary smiled at her boss.

"If we're lucky, maybe they'll help us with our D.N.A. problem." The woman rubbed her chin and frowned. "If that doesn't work, we can at least drug them up with steroids and race them at Dover Downs."

End Chapter Five…

* * *

_**Bonus Scene!!**_

_This chapter was supposed to open with Ron and Ted at the zoo. Enjoy!_

"Sir, I'm afraid you can't bring that beer in here." The guy at the entrance to Middleton Zoo stopped the imps. "I'll be glad to throw it away for you."

"Sure, no problem…" Keening pretended to hand over his booze, only to knee the guy in the nuts. "Ron, RUN!!"

As the man writhed on the ground in agony, the two bolted away, leaving him to sob like a baby. The monkeys in a nearby enclosure stared for a second before laughing their asses off.

Dashing past a deep pit, Ted stopped dead and pointed with exuberance.

"Cool, a wildebeest!"

"That's a walrus, stupid!" A little girl with pigtails and chocolate stains corrected him.

"Careful fellas, that ones already killed somebody!" The girl's father stated. "Keeper says some guy fell in some time ago and got corn-holed to DEATH!"

"Daddy, what's a corn-hole?" The girl asked.

"It's where corn comes from." Ron replied.

"Ya know, in a disgusting and round-about way…" Ted squinted at Stoppable. "It's true."

The grotesque creature down in the pen apparently heard the conversation and started honking angrily.

"Shut up, fat ass!" Ted sneered.

"I don't think he likes you calling him names." The Ron-man warned.

"He's just a ball of blubber, he doesn't know SHIT!" Keening spat.

An object flew out of the den, smacking Ted right in the face. Lying on the ground was an oversized food dish that read, 'Humpy'.

"You FUKKER, I'll KILL YOU!" The enraged retard grabbed a trashcan and hurled it back at the walrus.

A junk tossing fight ensued, prompting keepers to call for assistance.

"_We've got a disturbance near the walrus pen, Dave, check it out."_ A voice squawked over a rather stubby man's radio.

"Okay, fellas, what's the hoody-hoo?" Security Dave strolled up and poked Ted with his nightstick.

"He started it!" Keening pointed down at Humpy, who was giving them the 'flipper'.

"Okay, big fella, we don't want any trouble." Dave leaned over the railing to scold the beast.

"HOTDOGS, get your hotdogs HERE!" A street vender called out from nearby.

"Booyah!" The Stopper bolted towards the grub, slamming into Dave and knocking him into the enclosure.

"Whoah, boy, calm down!!" The man's voice could be heard from below.

"Oops…" Ron recoiled in shame.

The sound of loud honking and horrid screaming erupted from below, forcing the observers to squirm in horror.

"Get him OFF, GET HIM OFF!" Dave was getting the 'walrus'.

"Say, nice technique." Ted observed. "San Quentin style if I'm not mistaken."

"Hippos sure are violent…" Ron peered down at the spectacle. "Horny too."

"It's a WALRUS, stoopid!" The girl corrected again.

"Sweety, don't talk like that to strangers," Her Dad corrected.

"Shut up, YOU!" The lil' angel stomped on the mans foot, causing him to hop around in pain.

"Step child?" Ted asked with a smirk.

"How'd you know?" Hop-along answered.

_**End Bonus Scene 1**_

**_Bonus Scene 2_**

_George the Ram wasn't my first choice for the animal the imps were gonna steal. Here was my original idea._

Kim yawned as she pushed open the door to the kitchen. She had been up most of the night studying and trying to fend off peeping Toms.

"What the HELL?!" The redhead froze.

Ron and Ted sat in the kitchen with a full grown Mountain Lion at the table. The beast was finishing up a bowl of Count Chunkula.

"Mornin' Kim!" Ron shouted with glee.

"Where the HELL did THAT come from?!" Kim plastered herself against the wall and tried not to move.

"The guy at the zoo said it was a great cat, so we took it, since our old pet kinda sucks." Ted pointed at Rude-fus, who was reading Playboy and smoking a cigar.

"Bleh!" The devil rat chirped.

"You can't keep that thing in HERE!!" Kim tried to grab for the phone.

The lion snarled and leapt on Ted, tearing him apart. The imp screamed like a girl as the kitty started eating him. After several bites, the cat turned green and fell over.

"Kitty, NO!!" Ron hugged it in tears. "I was gonna teach him to drive!"

Keening's arm and shoulder grew back with a sickening, 'plop' like sound.

"Now we gotta go back and get another one!" Ted complained.

Kim roared and started beating the two imps with a kitchen chair.

"Get… out… of my HOUSE!" Possible was stuck on psychotic.

The bludgeoned morons ran for their lives, only to have the door slam shut and lock them out.

"That wasn't very nice!" Stoppable rubbed his head bruises.

"Yeah, I'm glad we used her car to bring it here!" Ted snorted.

The red convertible sat in the driveway covered with huge scratches and claw marks. A half-eaten, dead penguin sat in the back seat.

"I wonder if that zoo has a Sasquatch?" Ron looked at Ted with hope.

"I don't think Robin Williams works there."

_**End Bonus Scene 2**_


	6. Three Fiends and a Baby!

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter Six: Three Fiends and a Baby…**

* * *

"Look, Ron-ochio, you've become a REAL boy!" Tara pulled the strings that were tied to Stoppable's arms and legs with gusto, causing the make-shift marionette to dance about with all the grace of a blind epileptic.

Ron hung just above a busted up puppet stage in the evil pixie's basement, dressed like a lil' Dutch boy. The crazed girl stood above him pulling his cords and giggling like a fiend.

"Uh, Tara, I'm really starting to chafe in the crotch area, can we take a break?" The Stopper felt like a bigger tool than Aaron Carter.

"Silly Ron, puppets don't talk!" The crazed girl lowered a cat with strings tied to it next to the Dutch boy, which hissed and began ripping him up with its claws.

The blond monster laughed so hard, she nearly fell off her platform. Suddenly, hearing silence, the girl looked down to see the Ron-ster's clothes were hanging there, but the boy himself was gone.

"Ronnie?!"

The basement door flew open as a naked imp bolted through it and began running around the house looking for an escape route. Finding all the doors either covered in barb wire or electrified, the boy had no choice but to seek refuge in the bathroom.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take!" Ron sighed as he locked and chained the door.

"Well, it's about time! Where have you been?" Drew appeared, nearly giving the imp a heart attack. "There's work to be done and you're… Argh, put some clothes on, for Gawds sake!!"

Drew pointed to a pink, frilly ensemble hanging from the towel rack. "Here, wear this!"

"That's lingerie, I can't wear that!" Ron covered himself with a wash cloth and scowled at the blue menace. "That's girl clothes!"

"We don't have time for this, and I have NO interest in staring at your choke-pole, I'm not Neil Patrick Harris!" Drew turned around in disgust. "Make it snappy, I don't have all day!"

Ron mumbled angrily as he donned the pink get up and looked at himself in the mirror.

"Does this make me look fat?"

"Yes, you look like Elton John, now back to business!" The evil man rubbed his hands together and glanced about the room for evil inspiration.

Laughing maniacally, the villain pointed behind the Ron-ster and smiled. "We're going to destroy the toilet!"

"What?!" Ron gave the "imaginary" guy a look of utter confusion. "How?!"

"Simple, we use what's at hand!" Drew pointed to the various cans of hair spray and other assorted, flammable cosmetic products that littered the sink.

Ron groaned in protest, but obeyed anyway, filling the porcelain basin with aerosol cans.

"Now, to find something to get this started…" Glancing about, Drew scowled at the imp. "Start searching the drawers and cabinets."

Opening a cigar box on the back on the bath caddie, Ron discovered a snub nosed revolver.

"Alright, a gun!" The boy held it up and smiled like a kid on Christmas.

"Why would THAT be in here?" Drew rubbed his chin and frowned.

A small note lay in the bottom of the box that read, "In case of Phil Spector."

The two looked at each other and responded at the same time. "Oh…"

The sound of a voice shouting from outside the door startled the two.

"Ronnie, are you in there!!" Tara leaned against the bathroom door and listened. "You had better not be scrubbing your weasel in there; we decided you're not allowed to do that anymore!"

"Oh crap, what do we do?" Ron began to panic.

"Who cares about her, shoot the cans you buffoon!" Drew pointed to the crapper.

"What about us, won't we be caught in the blast?" The imp gave his imaginary friend a concerned stare.

"Not if you close the lid really fast!" The blue man crossed his arms and smirked.

"Uh, are you sure that's how this works?" The Ron-ster frowned and let his shoulders slump down at his sides.

"Who's the expert here, now shoot!" Drew was practically shouting at this point.

"Now look, I've done some really bad stuff for you lately, but this is too much!" The blond imp turned his back and crossed his arms in disgust.

"Ronnie, if you don't open this door, Stuff E. Bearington and I are gonna bust in there and give you a Cleveland Steamer!" The angry blond began banging her fist on the door.

"I changed my mind, let's do this." Ron turned toward the toilet and pulled the trigger.

A massive explosion was heard as the whole room was engulfed by a fire ball. The bathroom door was blown off its hinges and sent sailing past Tara, embedding itself in the wall. The Ron-ster was shot straight up through the ceiling like a rocket, reaching a good two-hundred feet in the air; he fell back down to Earth and landed in a trash can by the curb. Two sanitation workers pulled up next to it and hopped off the back of their truck.

"Holy SHIT, somebody tossed out a burned up cross dresser!" Trashman Bob pointed at the singed Stoppable.

"Look, buddy, just because this girl/boy was smokin' crack and fell asleep, burning her/himself to hell doesn't mean you can point and stare, it's rude.'" Trashman Marc corrected his friend's behavior.

"Sorry bud/babe, you keep reachin' for that rainbow!" Bob gave Ron an encouraging nudge and the two left him to smolder in peace.

Drew, however, ended up in a much different place.

* * *

"Well, if it isn't my brother Drew!" Lord Bandersnatch stared down his nose at the blue skinned fellow lying on the floor of his citadel. The explosion had sent the man all the way back home.

"Eugene, what are YOU doing here?" Drew stood up and glowered at his sibling.

"Last time I checked, this place was MY home, so the real question is, what are YOU doing HERE?!" The evil Colonel Sanders leaned forward and placed his nose only inches from Drew's.

"I, uh…, had an accident…" Drew looked around timidly and realized that something had gone horribly wrong.

"So, still trying to get your corporeal body back, huh?" The former Eugene Lipski, now Lord Bandersnatch, laughed at his brother's failure and began to walk around him in circles.

"You coulda chosen "magic" evil, but NO, you chose "science" evil, and now look at you!" The arrogant lord stopped and poked Drew in the chest with an outstretched finger. "You've blown yourself up, again!"

"It's all part of the scientific process; this is just a minor set back." Drew stuck his nose in the air and scowled. "I'm getting tired of you lording over me with this place, it should have been MINE!"

"Pop thought you were an idiot and that the fortress would be better with me." Eugene put his hands on his hips and grinned.

"Dad always liked you best!" Drew shook his fist in anger at his brother.

"Dad always knew you were a poser and that I was the really evil one!" Eugene removed his tiny glasses and polished them on his shirt.

"Mark my words, dear brother, I shall regain my body!" Drew puffed up and balled his hands into fists. "When I do, I shall return and reclaim my right to this castle AND my place as a ruler in HELL. You just wait and see!"

The older, non-blue Lipski fell over laughing. Drew turned and walked away in disgust, leaving his brother to roll around on the floor laughing like a hyena.

'_Curse that Eugene, always rubbing his success in my face!'_ Lipski took a second to kick his brother's mailbox over. _'Just because I was caught up in my own explosion and was forced to exist as a ghost is no reason for him to mock me!'_

The unlucky Lipski had attached himself to Stoppable, simply because the boy was so incredibly stupid that controlling him was easy. Making himself only visible to the moron was a little taxing, but the imaginary friend ruse was the only way he could get results from the lazy imp.

'_If I can keep convincing the buffoon to cause destruction and mayhem, I can earn the right to petition the Infernal Congress to give me another chance.'_ Drew made his way to the Department of Transportation and took his place in line… again. _'Once I have my body back, I can kick my rotten brother out of our parent's citadel and reclaim my birthright.'_

"Now serving number seventeen!" The receptionist shouted to the assembled travelers.

Drew looked down at his ticket and noted his number, "One-thousand seventeen".

"BLAST!"

* * *

Shego stumbled through the Possible house carrying a horny Yori on her back.

"Why do I always attract all the FUCKING stalkers?!" The evil woman began smacking the spare baggage against walls and furniture, trying desperately to dislodge it.

Kim's eyes snapped open, as the thumping and banging interrupted her cat-nap. Monique's face immediately leapt into view.

"Rise and shine girl, you look bangin'!" The devious, dark skinned, domme flashed a sneaky grin.

Placing a mirror in front of the redhead's face, Possible gasped and froze in shock. Her best friend had braided her hair into corn-rows.

"I look like a female kick boxer, what have you done?!" Kim turned to look at her unwanted "hairdresser".

"You should feel privileged; I'm letting you be the "butch"!" 'Nique slithered up to the stunned girl and began nuzzling her ear.

A scream issued from the living room and Possible came running out, with Monique in hot pursuit.

"Duck, Princess!" Shego hurled her admirer toward the fleeing Kim, who hit the floor and left 'Nique wide open. The two stalkers crashed into each other and hit the floor in one obsessed heap. The duo was chucked into the pantry and furniture was piled up in front of the door, to keep them locked inside.

"This is getting ridiculous!" Kim tugged at her hair and flinched.

"Not bad, you could be a back-up for Paula Abdul." Shego glanced at Possible and smirked.

"For dancing or crying on camera?"

The conversation was interrupted by a sound that could best be described as a garbage truck full of aluminum cans rolling down a hill issuing from the front lawn.

Rushing to the front door, Kim and Shego stared in bewilderment at the police cruiser that was wrapped around a tree across the street. The driver's side door fell off its hinges as Ted stumbled out of the car. Approaching the two, Keening had a layer of white powder under his nose, his hair was sticking in all directions and his eyes were bloodshot. Clutched in his hand was a bottle of rot-gut whisky wearing a label which read, "Uncle Stinky's Marriage Counseling?"

"Hullo, Tim… Sheera." The drunken imp stumbled into the house where he immediately swooned and hit the floor.

"Wow, I've seen Ted messed up, but not like this!" Kim looked down at the lush with disgust.

"Yeah, well, that Rockbuster chick has been riding him pretty hard lately." Shego picked up a yard stick and started poking the imp in the crotch.

A police motorcycle screeched to a halt in front of the driveway and Officer Rockwaller stormed up the walkway with a shotgun in her hands.

"Where IS that LOSER?!" Bon-bon cocked the weapon and glared at the couple. "He stole my car and NOW I'm gonna fill his ass with rock salt!"

"Whoa, Maniac Cop, you paid for one day's rental, but you've had him for THREE. So someone owes us a late fee." Shego blocked Bonnie's path and frowned, holding out her hand.

"He's officially my BITCH now; I even have it in writing!" Bon-Bon produced an envelope, which she handed to the she-devil. "See for yourself!"

Shego opened the letter and noted it was in Ted's handwriting. The imp has apparently jotted down whatever was on his mind instead of what Rockwaller wanted him to. The page showed a list of the body cavities that Keening had shoved his face into on the cop's gorgeous body, as well as his list of favorite television shows and a picture of Rush Limbaugh shoving a live crab up his ass.

"Yeah, uh, whatever…" Balling up the paper, the villainess tossed it over her shoulder and smirked. "They belong to me, sweetie, we've been over this."

"Kim, your girl-fiend is being a bitch, say something!" Bonnie looked to Possible and gritted her teeth.

"Okay, Bonnie…" Kim turned to her raven-haired concubine and sighed. "Shego, give Ted to Bonnie, she's lonely."

"I am NOT lonely!" The cop growled for a second, but quickly looked down at the ground timidly. "Well, not most of the time…"

"FINE!" The devil-girl turned to grab Keening but stopped and looked away with revulsion. "Oh boy, he's quoting the gospel according to puke…"

"I'll wash him off." Kim walked outside and started to unroll the garden hose.

Shego put her hand on Rockwaller's ass and winked. "So, have you ever played strip-Chutes and Ladders?"

"Uh, no…" Bon-Bon looked at the woman with suspicion.

"We should talk." The devil grinned and led her inside.

* * *

"Yori hasn't been coming to work lately, so remind me to spank her sexy, little bottom next time I see her." Anne Possible sat upon her throne, while four henchmen carried it down the hall of her secret base.

"Yes, ma'am." Wendy, the perky secretary, typed the reminder into her Blackberry and grinned. "The guys down at R&D said you would be interested in the info they gained from those two creatures we nabbed."

"Goodie!" The redhead gave a random employee the finger and giggled.

Stepping down from her conveyance and leaving the carriers to collapse in exhaustion, the beautiful villain stepped through the automatic doors to her private research unit. A group of lab coated dorks stood staring into a pair of cages.

"Uh ma'am, this little critter is fascinating!" Dork number one pointed at Rude-fus. "It has no blood or organs what-so-ever, and yet, can eat more than ten times its weight in burritos!"

"Not to mention the level of violence it displays in the wild." Dork number two took an empty tequila bottle to the head, courtesy of the devil rat.

"Oh, now I recognize the little fellow, that's Ron's pet." Anne stuck her hand through the bars and patted its little head. "What about the other one?"

"That one is just your typical big-horn sheep." Dork number three kept his distance from George's enclosure.

The ram snorted at the slack-jawed gawkers. "Mlehhhhh!"

"The biggest surprise came when we took the D.N.A. samples from this subject and compared them to the samples you gathered from the other three entities." Dork number one handed Anne a complex printout.

"Oh my word, is this accurate?!" The Brain Surgeon stared at the scientist with disbelief.

Dork number three cleared his throat and spouted rather matter-of-factly. "Our findings stand at 99.8 accuracy!"

Anne gave number three the finger, scorching him to a crisp.

"Don't be an ass, Randall, it's very unattractive."

* * *

Ted had been sprayed down and tied to a chair in the kitchen, while Kim sat next to him eating her lunch and occasionally poking him in the face with a fork. Gulping down a glass of milk, a slight noise caught the girl's attention.

"Pssst…"

"Hello?" The redhead peered around the room looking annoyed, but quickly returned to eating.

"PSSST… Kim!"

Ron poked his head around the corner, trying to get Possible's attention.

"Ron, what the hell are you doing?" Kim glowered at the goof off and continued. "Why are you sneaking around, get in here!"

Stoppable nervously stepped into the room and frowned. He was dressed in a rather detailed sheep costume, complete with pink ribbon and bell around his neck. The hands and feet even included little hooves.

"Tara has gone crazy, she won't leave me alone!" Ron dropped to his knees and begged Kim for rescue. "Please, KP, you gotta save me!"

"Oh where, oh where has my little sheep gone?" The voice of the psychotic cupie-doll echoed around the house. "Here he is!"

A Shepard's hook caught Ron around his neck and yanked him across the room. Tara, dressed as Little Bo Peep, smiled like a horny congressman and scolded the sheep-boy.

"Since the bad little sheep blew up the toilet and ran away, sexy Bo Peep was forced to drag him into the living room and rape him savagely!" The blond babe chuckled in a way that made Kim's skin crawl.

"Again?!" Ron tried to escape, only to get a stun gun to the neck.

"Uh, Tara?" Kim craned her head to the side and looked to her friend delicately.

"Yeeeessssss?" Tara copied Kim's tone and movement, only disturbingly so.

"Don't you think this is a little… I don't know, … sick?" The redhead batted her eyes and tried to be cute.

"Nooooooo!" Bo Peep batted her eyes harder and acted cuter… sort of.

"Okay, just checking." Possible immediately went back to minding her own business.

The Shepard dragged the now unconscious Stoppable into the next room and slammed the door. The sound of clothes ripping and fiend laughing could be heard through the walls.

'_I wonder if I could save money on my car insurance by switching to this lizard.'_ Kim did her best to ignore the horror.

Shego walked down the stairs and snuck up behind her snuggle buddy.

"Guess who?" The devil put her hands over the girl's eyes.

"That chick from Mad TV?!" Kim answered playfully.

"You're funny; I don't know if I should grope your ass or kick it." Shego smirked at the college girl.

"Let's start with one and move to the other." Kim purred sensually as she turned to smooch the she-monster.

Shego, however, wasn't there.

"Uh, honey, where did you go?" Looking around, Possible shrugged and went back to poking Ted with kitchen utensils. "Demons, go figure."

* * *

The green and black devil babe found herself sitting in a chair in a very familiar place.

"Hello, Shego, you look fairly skanky as usual." A busty succubus stepped into view and took a bitch pose. The blue haired bimbo sported wings, a tail, and an outfit that could only be described as Norwegian Valkyrie meets Sussex Bordello.

"Bianca, you pole riding trollop, you still bangin' satyrs for bus faire?" Shego sneered at the bitch and tossed her an obscene gesture.

"Ignore her; I'M the one who called you down here!" Lord Bander appeared and stared down his evil nose at the woman. "So, status report?"

"Boss, you look great!" The villainess laughed uncomfortably and swallowed hard. "Have you lost weight?"

"Forget the stalling and answer the question!" Bander snorted a puff of smoke and frowned.

"She's banging the redhead." Bianca crossed her arms and flashed a toothy grin. "You and your human fetish, Shego, what is it with you and animals?"

"This coming from a woman whose primary diet is semen and penicillin." The Go-ster fired back without missing a beat.

"Actually, I'm glad you're involved with Possible. It will make the next part of my plan that much easier to pull off." The demon lord slapped Bianca across the ass.

"Next part?" Shego raised an eyebrow and leered at her employer with disdain. "What NEXT part?"

"It's simple, turn around and look at that chart over there." The Colonel pointed across the room.

Shego spun around in her chair and searched the walls for the aforementioned poster. Lord Bander thrust his clawed hand into the distracted lady's back and dug into it up to the wrist.

"HOLY SHIT!" The villainess squirmed, cursed, spat and shouted as the jerk dug around in her abdomen.

Withdrawing his hand, Bander didn't even leave a mark nor have a drop of blood on his skin. In his fingers he held what looked like a shiny, black marble.

"What the HELL was THAT?!" Shego spun back around and was prepared to knock his head off.

"THIS, my dear, is the next part of my plan!" The boss held the object up to her face and sneered.

"What is it?" The devil lady looked at the marble with apprehension. "Why was it in my guts?"

"THIS is your demon seed!" Bander flashed a wicked smile. "YOU are going to get Miss Possible pregnant with this little baby."

"Demon seed? Pregnant?! What the hell are you babbling about?" A look of rage came over the green devil's face.

"Since Kim is starting to get used to having you and your two retards around her house, let's see how she likes raising a little hell spawn of her own!" Bander laughed out loud and polished the seed with his handkerchief.

"Whoa, this is getting kind of screwy. Are you sure you wanna do this?" Shego was actually feeling afraid for her human girlfriend.

"Absolutely, this is the best idea I've had in years." The lord dropped the pill into Shego's hand. "You won't have a problem doing this, will you?"

"What if I do?" Go-Go turned away in anger.

"I'll chuck you in the Lake of Fire." The man answered without pity.

"Right, what was I thinking?" Taking the gift from Colonel Jerk-off, the poor demon stared at it and sighed. _'I don't want to put this thing in my little Kimmie.'_

"Now let's get you back to work." The fiend grabbed Shego by the head and stuffed her into a mirror on his wall.

Popping out of the mirror in Kim's bedroom, the lady fiend hit the floor with a "thump".

"That dirty, piece of crap!" Shego stood up and scowled at the marble. "How the hell am I gonna get away with this?"

Dropping it onto one of the dressers, the beautiful beast strutted out of the room, slamming the door behind her. The force of the slam shook the dresser, causing the marble to roll over the edge and fall. Making it's way along a seam on the hard wood floor, the "seed" dropped through one of the various holes that Ted had drilled into the room for the purpose of spying on the lesbians. The black orb fell through the air, heading directly for the open mouth of the recently raped Ron.

* * *

The imp leapt to his feet, coughing and choking. Swallowing hard, the freckled sheep turned to his Peep and scowled.

"You promised no more force feeding me gross stuff!"

"Ronnie, I didn't feed you anything." Tara put her hands on her hips and frowned. "Even if I did, we're in love, so I can technically do what I want."

"We're not in LOVE!" Stoppable paused and looked confused for a moment. "Are we?!"

"Do you get nervous and sweaty when I'm around?" Bo Peep batted her sexy eyes at him. "Are you frightened and nauseous at the same time?"

"Uh… yes." Ron raised an eyebrow in dismay.

"Well that sounds like love to me." The blond giggled in a way that made Freddie Krueger seem adorable.

"Wait a minute…" The Stopper rubbed his chin in deep thought. "Oh my GAWD, she's RIGHT!"

'_Jeez, Ronnie is stupid, now I can finally be the smart one in a relationship!'_ The petite monster grabbed Stoppable by his collar and dragged him into the kitchen. "We're gonna tell everyone the good news!"

Shego sat at the kitchen table groping Possible, while a still unconscious Ted sat strapped to a chair and drooling. The impetuous Bo Peep dropped her sheep to the floor with a loud bang and made her announcement.

"Ronnie and I are in love and we're getting MARRIED!" Tara squeaked with joy and hugged the ewe with all her might.

"WHAT?!" Ron gasped and turned red, as the combined force of their impending engagement and her vise-like grip constricted his very soul.

"Ew…" Possible curled her nose in disgust.

"Whatever…" Shego didn't even turn to look.

"You didn't… I didn't… I… I… NOOOO!!" The blond imp was now in a panic, but could not escape the steel arms of love.

"Hold on a second…" Kim shot the "happy" couple a look of doubt. "Tara, didn't you say that you thought that marriage was only for ugly chicks and fat people?"

"You SHUT UP!" T-girl sneered at the peanut gallery and hugged Ron even tighter. "I'll be the MAN, he'll be the obedient slave and we'll live happily ever after!"

"Ya know, getting hitched to a delusional weirdo is no cause for celebration." The green demon smirked at Tara and snapped Ted in the face with her tail.

"You two are just jealous because me and Ron can get married and you two CAN'T!" Tara stuck her nose in the air and snorted in contempt.

"Sweetie, even if it WAS legal, why would I, a demon from HELL, want to willingly walk into a freakin' church?!" Shego looked at Kim.

"Sheeeego…" Kim flashed the woman her puppy dog pout. "I wanna get married."

"You gotta be FUKKIN' kiddin' me!?"

The front door suddenly flew open with a crash as Anne Possible bolted into the house.

"I have NEWSSSSS!" The older redhead dashed into the kitchen and greeted the startled onlookers with a grin forged of pure "creepiness".

"Ronnie and I are getting married!" Tara squeezed the barely conscious Ron and laughed like a monkey.

"Who cares, my news is WAY bigger!" Anne balled her hands up in front of her face and visibly shook with anticipation.

"You finally broke down and bought that pirate costume we talked about?!" Ted snapped out of his stupor and smiled gleefully at the MILF.

"No sweetie, even BIGGER!" The Surgeon stood behind Shego and cleared her throat. "I traced the genealogy of you three and discovered something!"

"THREE of us?!" Shego cocked her head at the doctor and scowled. "What the HELL do I have to do with it?!"

"You all three have the SAME father!!" Anne nearly burst at the seams with the admission.

Reaching into her pocket, the older woman retrieved a feisty rodent and placed it on the table. Rude-fus brushed himself off and began firing lewd gestures around the room.

"Heeeerrreee's DADDY!" The surgeon motioned to the pink creature and shot a big, wicked smile to the collected crowd.

"DUDE?!" Ron nearly fell out of his chair, as the statement hit him like a paternity suit.

"Well, that WOULD explain the abusive treatment he shows us." The Ted-ster gawked at the little creep before returning his blood-shot eyes to Anne's cleavage.

"That's ridiculous!" Shego balled up her hands and growled at the beast. "Just because he's been around since I was an imp doesn't mean that…"

The demonic villainess paused and contemplated her own words for a moment, before exhaling and accepting the obvious.

"Gawd dammit!"

"Apparently, this little fellow has been busy as a beaver." Mother Possible tickled the lil' bastard, but quickly drew back her hand to avoid a nasty bite. "Your mothers are all different, but the D.N.A. tests conclusively show that HE is DEFINITELY the father."

"Fan-fukkin-tastic, my Dad is a stinkin' poop squirrel, lovely!" The She-devil crossed her arms in rage and slumped into her chair.

"Wait a DAMN minute!" Kim stood up and fixed an angry glare at her infernal girl friend. "You three are related?!"

"Yes, sweetie, that's what I just said." Anne put her hand on her chin and smirked at her baby girl. "You haven't starting smoking the "pot" have you?"

"That means…" Kim ignored her mother's sarcasm and continued her rant. "You've been having SEX with your younger brothers!!"

"I guess so…" The Go-ster looked to her angry redhead and clicked her teeth. "It's not a big deal where we come from."

"It's a pretty DAMN big deal up HERE!" Lil' Possible marched over to the back door and opened it with force. "I want you three incestuous CREEPS outta my house, right NOW!"

"Honey, don't you think you're being a little hard on them?" The surgeons smirk dissolved and was replaced by concern. "They are hell spawn, after all."

"I don't care!" Possible turned red with rage and pointed at the monsters. "Every time I THINK I'm getting used to their disgusting behavior, they turn around and do something WORSE! It will only be a matter of time before they're dropping acid and having sex with animals!"

"Well actually…" Ron spoke up, only to get elbowed in the gut.

"Shut up, DUDE!" Ted whispered to his now little brother.

"Princess, c'mon, they're imps… not people!" Shego stood up and gently approached her lover, trying to placate her outrage. "You can't be mad at me, I've got magic fingers!"

"Don't touch me!" Kim turned her back on the woman and crossed her arms in disgust.

"What's the big deal?" Ted swallowed a glass of bourbon in one swig and belched slightly. "We've had sex with your mom, your friends, your teachers… and even that grouchy chick who helped your with your calculus mid-term."

"You had SEX with Justine!?" The redhead shook the disturbing image out of her head and maintained her aggressive stance. "I'm tired of this, why don't all three of you go BACK to hell?"

"Pumpkin, so what if we're bending the rules a little?" The devil put her hand on Kim's shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

Almost in response to the statement, Stoppable's stomach growled loud enough to be heard around the room.

"I don't feel so good…" Ron turned pale and went limp.

"Oh no, my sheep is sick!" Tara nuzzled the ill imp and smiled slightly. "Now I'm gonna have to take you to a vet!"

"I wasn't gonna say anything, but…" Ted narrowed his eyes and motioned to Ron's gut. "Dude, you're starting to get fat."

"I am NOT!" Ronald lifted his shirt up and dropped his jaw at the sight of his distended abdomen. "Aw, MAN!"

"He's been eating like a pig for as long as I've known him, why would he just start gaining weight now?" Shego frowned at the freckled fat boy.

"Tara made me eat that marble!" Ron looked at his cruel master and sulked.

"LIES!" Tara grabbed the boy in a headlock and gave him angry noogies.

"You EAT everything that's not nailed down, Ron; try to learn a little self control!" Kim fired daggers at the swollen jerk.

"Yeah, you're a disgrace to this family!" Ted shouted in between doing lines of soap powder and drinking Tequila.

"Wait a minute…" Shego suddenly made a disturbing connection. "Did you say, MARBLE??"

"It could have been a pet rock, but I'm not sure." Ron felt another gut tremor and groaned in pain. "I feel bloated and icky!"

"You IDIOT, give that back to me, right NOW!" Shego leapt from her chair and stuck her hand down Stoppable's throat. "Give… it… BACK!"

The Stopper choked and gagged under the green maniac's oral assault. The chair he was sitting in tilted and fell over, sending both of them to the floor.

"Uh, Shego, it's just a marble, you can buy those at Smarty Mart." Kim looked at the intrusive wrestling match with a combination of revulsion and curiosity.

"It wasn't just a MARBLE!" The angry demon removed her hand from the imp's mouth and began throttling him violently. "Why do you always do stupid crap like this?"

"You always had a good, solid grip on ya, sis!" Ted leered at the floor fighting duo.

"Fuck you!" Jumping to her feet, the woman grabbed Ted and began slapping the snot out of him.

"Now I know it's been a pretty interesting day, but all this violence isn't really helping." Anne Possible may have sounded like a diplomat, but her countenance spoke more of an evil Jerry Springer.

"Oh yeah, you wouldn't be sayin' that if YOU found out that one of your slaves was not only your younger brother, but PREGNANT with YOUR baby…" Shego clamped both hands over her own mouth as she realized what she had just said.

"Wha… what?!" Tara stared in disbelief at the woman.

The Ted-ster froze in shock, before sneezing a cloud of powder across the kitchen table.

Monique and Yori poked their heads through a recently punched hole in the pantry door and gasped at the admission.

"Girl, that's fucked UP!"

"Fuzakennayo!"

A naked Bonnie Rockwaller lay in bed next to a board game and looked at the floor with stunned disbelief.

"What the hell did she just say?!"

Anne blinked twice in rapid succession and burst out laughing, nearly falling over with naughty mirth.

Shego slowly turned and looked at her cuddle buddy, a state of terrified apprehension plastered across her face.

Kim turned as white as a sheet and stared unblinking at Shego. "That's… impossible."

"Uh… I mean… well… it's… uh…" The guilty devil girl stammered and began sweating like Pat Robertson at a gay pride parade.

"Well, it's like you always say, KP, anything is possible for a Possible!" Ron looked down at the convulsing bulge in his gut and sighed. "Maybe I should start thinking of a name for the baby."

"A POSSIBLE had nothing to do with this grotesque mess!" Kim sneered at Ron and then quickly turned a look of pure disappointment at Shego. "What the hell were you THINKING?!"

"It was BANDER'S idea, not mine!" Shego squared up to Possible and stood her ground. "He wanted me to take that stupid seed and get YOU pregnant, not this DUMBASS!"

"You mean…" Kim softened and looked up to the devil with a saddened pout. "I could've had our baby?"

Shego's eyes opened wide and a look of utter confusion washed over her. "You say THAT… and you think that WE'RE messed up?!"

"My sheep is gonna have another girl's babies?" Tara sniffed slightly and began weeping like a waterfall. "I wanted to get Ronnie pregnant!"

"I'm gonna be a grandmother?!" Anne ran up to Ron and began nuzzling the boy with all her strength. "My sweet little impy boy…"

"Mom, a baby from HIM will probably be deformed and stupid, just like Joey Buttafuoco!" Kim sneered with jealous venom at the Stopper.

"Hey Ron, once you have that kid, we can apply for government assistance and force Shego to pay child support so that we can finally buy that Dig Dug arcade unit we've been lookin' at!" Ted leaned over the table and raised an eyebrow at his best friend/brother.

"Booyah!" Stoppable's look of triumph turned to pain as his devil baby churned in his guts. "Bad baby, makin' me wanna puke!"

* * *

"That makes TWO of us!" Monique recoiled in disgust and withdrew back into the pantry.

Yori wrapped her arms around the ebony domme's waist and whispered into her ear. "We can use this infernal gestation as a means to achieve our goal."

"You wanna have sex in here?" Monique fired a sly wink at the exchange villain.

"No, damned gaijin, I want to use this to split them up and give US the chance to replace them." Yori twisted her beautiful mouth into a wicked smile and chuckled slightly.

"Ah, so you wanna team up and drive them apart, good thinkin' girl!" The ebony sweet heart turned to face the asian babe and pressed her against the wall. "So how about that sex?"

Yori sighed in annoyance and began taking off her pants.

* * *

"So not only are we now one big happy family, but I'm gonna have Shego's love child, badical!" Ron looked at everyone with a goofy grin. "I'm gonna name the baby Ron Jr. and teach him to juggle and play the banjo and…"

"It's a baby, not a MONKEY; we seriously can't let this retard raise a child!" Kim frowned at Ron with such force that her face could crack at any moment. "We need to raise OUR baby with love and care, right Shego?"

"You're suddenly COOL with this?!" The green and black babe narrowed one eye at the college girl and smirked. "A minute ago you were tryin' to toss me out."

"Well, this pregnancy changes everything." The redhead hugged her evil girlfriend and glowered at Stoppable. "We need to make sure OUR baby stays as far away from those two ANIMALS as possible!"

"Hey, I'm the daddy!" Ron looked around nervously and furrowed his brow. "I could also be the mommy, I think…"

"No, you're a fucktard, get it right!" Shego grabbed a fly swatter and began poking the Ron-ster in the head. "Now shut up and gestate!"

"Bestiality, incestuous pregnancy and group orgies…" Ted leaned back in his chair and sighed. "There's a lot of love in this house."

Tara gritted her pointy, little teeth and raised an angry fist. _'Curse you Kim and Shego, for ruining my chance at a happy marriage with Ron! I swear, I'll have my revenge!'_

"REVENGE!" The blond domme shouted the word out loud by accident, getting everyone's attention.

"Uh, sweetie, you're supposed to leave the room before you declare revenge on someone." Shego smirked at the girl.

"The hell with you!" Tara bolted out of the house, leaving the assembled to look at one another in confusion.

"Ya know, this ain't gonna be easy." The dark haired demon looked down at her lover and smiled slightly.

"Nothing is easy around here anymore…" Kim shrugged and lightly squeezed her sweet heart.

The Brain Surgeon crinkled her nose in evil thought, as a new plan formed in her mega-maniacal brain. _'My new grandchild will be a full-blooded demon! I can raise the little darling to help me take over the world! This is going to be SO much FUN!'_

Bonnie Rockwaller walked into the kitchen wearing one of Kim's bathrobes and her patrolman's hat. Looking about with an annoyed glare, she addressed the family.

"Which 'sitch you freaks wanna fill me in on first, the rodent sex or the knocked up dork?" The brunette scowled at Kim and crossed her arms impatiently.

"C'mere Bon-Bon, sit on my lap and I'll fill you in!" Ted laughed like a mad pervert at the suggestion.

A loud crunch issued from Keening's crotch as a leather boot collided with his testicles, sending him gasping to the linoleum.

"You always wear those to bed?" Shego smiled nervously at the cop.

"I need 'em for traction." The Bon-ster fired back.

"For what?" Ron glanced about with a look of stupidity on his mug.

"I told you to shut up and incubate!" Shego shoved a bag over his head and proceeded to drag him upstairs.

* * *

Betty Director pushed the wheelchair and it's occupant across the parking lot to her mission van, whistling as she went.

"It was awful nice of Mrs. Possible to offer a hand in helping with your rehab, Joshie, she's a good friend." The demon hunter patted the boy on his head and smiled.

"Bleh, Mankey!" The deeply disturbed mental patient babbled in response and had a slight seizure. "Mankey Mankey… Bleh!"

"We're really gonna have to work on your vocabulary, young man." The one eyed woman dabbed at his drool and loaded him into the vehicle.

"Prince Albert… Bleh!" The blond-ish boy suddenly turned dark and fiendish for a moment. "Must kill dommes!"

"What was that?" The woman turned and stared at the fellow.

Josh quickly returned to… uh… normal? "Mankey… Bleh!"

"Remind me to increase your dosage when we get home."

_**End Chapter Six**_

_**Bonus Scene! Preview Scene from long awaited Chapter 7!!**_

"I can't believe someone stole my brand new SUV and took it for a joy ride!" Bonnie scowled and clenched her fists. "When I find out who did it, there'll be hell to pay!"

"I hate ridin' the fukkin' bus…" Shego looked around with disdain at the other passengers. "Sure are a lot of homeless people on here today."

At least a half a dozen zombies occupied the others seats. The dead looked around blankly, moaning and slapping at each other. The driver, who wasn't dead, smelled like a brewery as the floor beneath him was covered with empty beer cans. A zombie approached the women and moaned.

"Brainssss…"

Shego didn't bat an eye as she backhanded him into a window. The zombie's head busted through the glass as it hung there like an (un)dead pigeon.

"I hate public transportation…" The devil girl snorted.

_**Preview #2!!**_

Josh sat in Dr. Directors bed dressed as a tentacle monster. Betty sat next to him wearing a werewolf mask and busily writing in a composition book.

"I've only been out of the hospital and on my medication for three days. Some of the neighbors are missing and I'm losing long tracks of time, are you sure its okay to be doin' this?" The young man looked at the wolf chick with fear.

"Josh, I'm a professional, so of course it's okay!" Betty climbed on top of him. "Now let's get back to work."

Josh's eyes crossed and a sadistic look flooded over his countenance.

"Errr… must KILL!" He chirped aggressively.

"What?" Betty stopped and looked at him.

"I love you?" His face returned to normal.

"You should be talking dirty, don't break character." She scolded him.

"Sorry…"

_**End Bonus Scenes!! Stay Tuned For Chapter 7!!**_


	7. Chaos Strikes Back!

Horny Lil' Devils

**DISCLAIMER:** Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

**WARNING:** The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned.

* * *

**Horny Lil' Devils**

**Chapter 7: Chaos Strikes Back!**

Ron Stoppable, the imp, moron and possibly the only male devil to ever be pregnant, lay tied to a gurney. All around him lay naco wrappers and empty cans of soda. The idiot had been restrained and locked in a bedroom, for the baby's own good.

Strange sounds could be heard through the walls, as Anne and Ted were in the midst of another round of 'role-playing'.

"Who's tha Mass-tah!" The elder Possible's voice shouted.

"Sho-nuff!!" Ted shouted back.

Keening had been so enraptured by the older woman that he hadn't spent any time with Stoppable in over three days. The loneliness was driving the Ron-ster insane.

"Need a friend…" The freckled devil glanced around the room like a bird on speed. "Gotta find a friend!"

The boy's addled brain began producing hallucinations from nowhere. The walls grew mouths and started talking.

"Hey, dude!" A chunk of the left wall stated. "Ya know, Clay Aiken is now a pole vaulter!"

"No way!" The ceiling fired back. "He's a cyclopean wrestler!"

"You guys are both retarded!" The floor interrupted. "He's a spelunker!"

The hallucinatory voices continued arguing with each other until Ron could take no more.

"I GOTTA FIND A FRIEND!" The imp broke his restraints and dove out the window.

He landed on Kim's car, leaving an imp shaped dent in her hood. Wearing a deranged look on his face, the weirdo took off down the street, gibbering like Eddie Izzard on meth.

* * *

A pair of stiletto-heeled boots clicked on the pavement of the Middleton Cemetery. A blond bombshell wearing a black, frilly dress pushed a wheel barrow full of tools through the front gates, whistling as she went.

The groundskeeper stopped her in her tracks.

"Where can a CUTE little thing like you be goin' in a spooky place like this?" The older man removed his hat and smiled. "Gonna do sumthin' adorable I bet."

"Yessss." Tara answered coyly, putting her hands behind her back and blushing slightly.

"Ya gonna plant flowers fer yer Gam-Gam?" He smiled bigger.

"Nooooo." She answered sweetly, twirling her hair.

"What are ya gonna do, sweetie-pie?" The man put his hands on his hips.

"Raise the dead!" She answered excitedly.

"Uh… WHAT?!" The man took a shovel to the forehead.

"That's for not minding your own business, GRANDPA!" Tara stuffed him into a trash can. "Now it's time for… REVENGE!"

Evil laughter echoed all over the graveyard, forcing a pair of ghouls feasting nearby to look at each other with terror.

"Jesus Christ!" The first one muttered, holding a severed foot.

"Let's get the FUCK outta here!" Gasped the second, wearing a bib from Bob Evans.

* * *

A throwing star embedded itself in the wall of Monique's bedroom, followed by two blow darts and a knife. Yori sat at the end of her bed, typing on a lap top. A Manriki-Gusari swung just over her head and smashed a lamp.

"'Nique-san, could you please not play with those." The Japanese girl eyed the black ninja-wannabe with annoyance. "I am trying to concentrate."

"You wouldn't happen to have some smoke bombs or giant frogs would ya?" The ebony girl answered back.

"Fresh out…" Yori shook her head. "I do, however, have a plan for revenge!"

"Please say it involves me, her and a bottle of honey!" 'Nique tossed herself across the bed, almost throwing Yori to the floor.

"Uh… no…" The exotic girl gave her a puzzled look. "It involves altering her personal record."

"Dammit!" Monique grabbed Yori's katana and started hacking a hole in the wall. "I haven't been this pissed since M.C. Honey slapped me with another restraining order!"

"I believe breaking into her apartment and copulating with her furniture may have prompted that." The real ninja retorted.

"SHE says breaking and entering; I say fan worship, where do we compromise?" Monique stated, becoming irate.

"A mental institution, perhaps?" Yori whispered.

"WHAT?!"

"I said a sedative solution, perhaps?" The ninja backtracked.

"No good…" 'Nique quipped. "She's built up a tolerance."

"Uh…" Yori stared in disbelief.

"Nevermind…"

* * *

Bonnie and Shego stood next to each other at the local shooting range. Loading a shotgun, Shego took aim and shouted. "Pull!"

A Friends DVD boxed set flew through the air, only to get blown to pieces.

"So, like, Kim is being a frigid bitch?" Bonnie cocked her street sweeper and shouldered it. "Pull!"

A Michael Bolton CD appeared only for a second before disintegrating by gunfire.

"Yeah, she's so obsessed with this baby that we haven't scissored or spanked each other in days." The green devil reloaded and prepared. "Pull!"

A stuffed Hulk Hogan doll spun in the air, only to have its head shot off.

"You should totally break up with her and go out with ME! That would tick her off, majorly!" Bon-Bon pulled out a flamethrower. "Pull!"

A statue of Al Gore was rolled out onto the range. Bonnie sprayed it with liquid fire until it was completely engulfed.

"Even on fire, I'm still hideously boring…" The statue's voice recording played back, before melting.

"I thought you hated me?" Shego hefted a rocket launcher onto her shoulder. "Pull!"

A hybrid car was pushed out in front of the firing area. A dummy sat at the wheel with a sign over its head reading, "I'm saving the environment, but I'm still a douchebag!"

The Empusa launched the projectile, blowing the car into a million pieces. The dummy landed face first with its ass in the air. The bumper fell and embedded itself betwixt the doll's cheeks.

"I do, but it would totally piss Kim off!" Bonnie smirked at the devil.

"So, you want me to break up with my girlfriend and go out with a vindictive slut JUST to cheese her off?" Shego rubbed her chin in deep thought. "Okay, let's do it!"

"Excellent!" The vicious cop pepper sprayed a random passerby, ya know, just to do it.

* * *

Kim stomped up the steps and kicked open Ron's door.

"Okay, Ron, time for your yogurt and hotdogs!" The redhead wheeled a huge barrel tied to a dolly into the room.

The sight of an empty gurney and a broken window caused her to gasp and drop the funnel and shovel she was carrying.

"MOM, he's ESCAPED!" Kim ran down the hall and threw open her mother's bedroom door. "What the HELL?!"

Anne sat in her bed wearing a fake beard and a stove pipe hat, while Ted lay next to her in a wig and fake mustache. They both smiled innocently at Kim.

"What the HELL are you two supposed to be?" The young woman demanded.

"I'm Abe Lincoln and he's John Wilkes Boothe, sweetie." Anne answered, giggling slightly.

"Yeah, and I was about to 'plug' her in the 'theatre' till YOU showed up!" Ted frowned at Kim.

"Will you two cut out the depravity and help me find Ron, he's escaped again!" The young redhead turned away in disgust.

"Great, she's ruined my assassination attempt…" Keening spat, in an aggravated tone.

"Don't worry; you'll get to 'unload' your 'piece' later tonight." Anne winked and pinched his ass.

"I'm so goin' for a head shot!" The pervert threw up his hands in triumph.

* * *

The three stomped down the stairs and headed for the kitchen, only to be stopped in their tracks. A familiar, brown haired man wearing a shirt and tie sat at the table reading the newspaper.

"OH MY GAWD, JAMES!!" Anne cried out in shock and alarm.

"DADDY?!" Kim shouted with joy as she glomped the man. "I thought you were DEAD?!"

"Hi Kimmie Cub!" The man patted her on the head and gave her a big smile. "I still AM!"

"WHAT?!" Both women turned white and dropped their jaws at the same time.

"That's right; I was yanked from eternal rest by my new wife!" James turned towards the pantry. "Honey-bun, come out and say hi."

Tara pushed the door open and smiled adorably. "Here's Johnny!"

"TARA?!" Kim swooned and hit the floor.

"James Timothy Possible, this girl is not only Kimmie's little friend, she's HALF your age!!" Anne shouted with disgust.

"I know, muffin, but she summoned me with forbidden evils." James rolled up his newspaper. "Had no choice I'm afraid."

"That's right!" Tara dropped a copy of the Necronomicon onto the table. "We're married and going on OUR HONEYMOON!"

"Married… that… that means…" Kim struggled to get back to her feet.

"I'm your new MOMMY, Kim!" The blond witch laughed like a hyena. "REVENGE!"

"So…" Ted rubbed his head in deep thought. "She's bangin' a zombie?"

Anne and her daughter both turned green and ran for the bathroom. Tara grabbed her 'hubby' and headed out the door.

"Bye Kim, we'll be in Hawaii for a week!" Tara tossed a wink and laughed.

"Wow, this is a catastrophe! I have to do something!" Ted pulled out a joint, lit it and took a long drag. "That's better."

The sound of twin barfing could be plainly heard, followed by apologies and a blow-dryer.

* * *

Josh sat in Dr. Directors bed dressed as a tentacle monster. Betty sat next to him wearing a werewolf mask and busily writing in a composition book.

"I've only been out of the hospital and on my medication for three days. Some of the neighbors are missing and I'm losing long tracks of time, are you sure its okay to be doin' this?" The young man looked at the wolf chick with fear.

"Josh, I'm a professional, so of course it's okay!" Betty climbed on top of him. "Now let's get back to work."

Josh's eyes crossed and a sadistic look flooded over his countenance.

"Errr… must KILL!" He chirped aggressively.

"What?" Betty stopped and looked at him.

"I love you?" His face returned to normal.

"You should be talking dirty, don't break character." She scolded him.

"Sorry…"

* * *

Stoppable ran through downtown Middleton scaring pedestrians and annoying everyone within arms reach. Cars swerved to avoid running over him and children felt better about themselves in regard to comparisons of poor judgment.

As the imp was about to pass the huge display window of a nearby toy store, a loud voice caught his attention.

"Are you lonely?" The store's outer speaker squawked.

"Yes!!" Ron squealed to a halt, knocking over an old lady.

"Do you need a new friend?" The voice questioned.

"YES!!" Ron fired back ecstatically.

"Then you're gonna love, Raunchy the Rhino!"

A childish song started playing and the voice got louder.

"Raunchy can talk, sing and play games! He can remember your name, respond to your voice and search for gold!" The voice became more agitated. "Now you can search for treasure, defend the borders AND stop global warming, with Raunchy the Rhino, your NEW best friend!"

My NEW BEST FRIEND!!" Ron squashed his face against the glass to peer inside.

An elaborate showcase took up the entire front of store, at it center sat a big, green rhino with crossed eyes and a red horn. He sported a blue T-shirt with the slogan, "I'm with Stoopid" with an arrow pointing up.

"Must… have… RAUNCHY!!" Ron kicked the doors in, squashing the manager against the wall.

Five minutes later, the freckled lunatic ran back out with his own Raunchy the Rhino. Staring at it with a truly deranged expression, he squeezed the thing, making it talk.

"Raunchy sez… we're gonna be friends FORVER!" The weird doll quipped.

"I love you too, Raunchy!" Stoppable looked like he was about to shit himself. "We're goin' on an adventure!"

"Raunchy sez… let's go to the abandoned amusement park!" The rhino looked like it was staring right at the imp. "It's full of magic and asbestos!"

"Booyah!" The Ron-ster threw his fist in the air, punching out an old man by mistake. "How do we get there?"

Raunchy sez… let's steal a car!" The evil doll grew more deranged looking by the second. "Just pull up the steering column and touch the wires together!"

"Alright, Raunchy RULEZ!" Stoppable dashed across the street and smashed the window out of an SUV.

The sound of an engine turning over and squealing tires filled the air as the insane idiot took off down the street, slamming the pilfered vehicle into parked cars and mangling signs. A constant, annoying laugh resounded from the driver's seat the whole time.

It begins…

* * *

Kim slammed the door to her mother's house and stormed outside, her face contorted with rage.

"I can't believe Tara could find a way to do something like this!" Possible took a moment to stomp one of Ron's action figures into dust. "Who the HELL ever heard of raising the dead?!"

"Hey, HEY, hey!" Monique wrapped her arms around the redhead and nuzzled her neck. "What's my girl up too?"

"'Nique, I really DON'T have the time for this!" Kim struggled to free herself. "Do you have any idea what TARA has DONE?!"

"Baby, I learned a long time ago not to get involved in ANYTHING she does!" 'Nique held a velvet box up in front of Kim's nose. "Now put on the ring I got ya!"

"Ring?" Possible opened the box and held up the piece of jewelry. "This looks like a wedding ring…"

"That, bitch-san, is because you ARE married!" Yori stepped out from behind the house.

"No we're not!" Kim glared at the foreigner.

"Thanks to Yori-girls hitchin' program, we are NOW!" Monique slid her hand into Kim's back pocket.

"You WHAT?!" The horrified woman gaped at the two.

"I have made a few changes to your personal records." Yori stated coldly. "I even printed a copy of the marriage license."

Kim didn't even bother reading it as she tore it into little pieces.

"Girl, we are NOT starting our relationship like this!" Moni started dragging Kim towards her car. "Now let's go home and consummate the HELL outta this union!"

"Colorado doesn't offer OR recognize lesbian marriages!!" The enraged daughter of the dead bellowed. "Our marriage doesn't COUNT!!"

"That is precisely why I changed your gender to male." Yori rubbed at her eye with her middle finger. "Congratulations, good SIR!"

"We're GOING to the courthouse to straighten this BULLSHIT out!" Possible grabbed the two of them and chucked them into her convertible.

The three girls stopped and stared at the Stoppable shaped dent in the hood.

"I don't want to get a divorce!" Monique whispered to Yori.

"Do not worry, once slut-san sees the prenuptial agreement, she will think twice." Yori flashed her pearly whites.

"Girl…" 'Nique placed a big kiss on the ninja. "You a BAD mutha!"

* * *

Ted stood in Anne's room as she dug around in her closet. The woman started handing the imp various firearms.

"Are we playin' Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck again?" The Ted-ster stared at her perfectly shaped ass.

"No, dear, we're going to do the only thing we can do…" Anne stepped back with a shotgun in her hands. "We're going to KILL my husband, AGAIN!!"

In one ear and out the other, as Ted stuffed his face between Anne's tits and inhaled deeply. "Smells like happy…"

"Try to focus, sweetie…" She looked down at him with bemusement.

"Who with the what now?" Ted looked up from Boulder Pass.

"Well, I guess a quickie won't hurt." She winked and started taking her shirt off.

"Oh YEAH, sex and murder!" Keening ripped his clothes off in one tug. "Take THAT, O.J. Simpson!!"

* * *

Tara struggled to fit an arsenal of torture devices into a suitcase as she and her new 'hubby' packed for their honeymoon.

"I'm goin' upstairs to get my electrodes, when the guy gets here, tell him to put a hold on our mail." The blond tromped upstairs, leaving her zombie to drink his coffee.

The sound of the doorbell pulled James from his chair as he walked over and answered it.

"Jack, it's been awhile you old son-of-a-gun!" Dr. Possible greeted the mailman.

"Jim, I heard you got pecked to death by penguins!" The man stared at him with surprise. "Guess it was just a rumor."

James Possible's stomach rumbled loudly as he eyed his old friend.

"Say, Jack, ya still got that big brain of yours from high school, right?" James stared at the man's cranium hungrily.

"Uh…" The mailman stammered before being tackled and bitten.

A little while later, the blond psychopath marched back downstairs with a bag full of wires.

"Honey, did you see the mailman?" She peered into the kitchen.

"Sure did, snookums, he's been taken care of." James sat on the couch with a big blood stain on his shirt.

"What happened?" She raised an eyebrow at his chest.

"Oh nuthin', sugar tits, just forgot my bib." The doctor took a big gulp of his coffee.

"Why is there a bloody mailbag in here?" Tara grabbed a crimson postal sack from near the door.

"Well, that must be Jack's…" James glanced at his watch and grabbed the bag as he stood up. "I'll drop it off at the post office on my way to work."

"Work?!" The blond gritted her teeth at her husband. "What about Hawaii?!"

"Sorry, honey, I have to check with my supervisor." Mr. Possible grabbed Tara's car keys and dashed out the door. "See ya this evening, snookie-pie!"

Tara dropped her bag of electrodes with anger. "Get back here and OBEY me you undead son-of-a-BITCH!"

* * *

An enraged Lord Drakken stood in line at the demonic Department of Transportation. So much time had gone by since he showed up, that the clock got pissed and quit, leaving him to guess what time it actually was.

"Why is this taking so long?" Drew roared at the top of his lungs. "I demand to see who's in charge here!"

A fat, balding man wearing a bow tie and vacant look wobbled up to him and spoke.

"If you have a complaint, please fill out this form in triplicate." The supervisor handed drew a stack of papers as high as the number of law suits pending against Borat. "Once finished, please file them with the customer service department."

The ugly man pointed to a nearby receptacle with a dead body half hanging out of it and a swarm of flies buzzing around. Bright letters across the front of it spelled out, "garbage".

"Here's what I think of your forms!" Drew dropped the papers on top of the bald guy, crushing him instantly. "I am Lord Drakken, future ruler of this level of Hell and I demand better service!"

"Yeah, me too!" A demon that looked like cross between a duck and Rob Reiner spoke up. "This beer is warm and all these strippers used to be men!"

A pair of half naked she-males with bullet wounds and DoT stickers covering their naughty bits leaned down and scowled at the customers.

"Stop being such babies!" The first growled with a voice like a tracheotomy patient.

"Yeah, we're just doin' our jobs!" The second sounded like George Wendt.

"That's the last straw!" An incredibly belligerent monkey devil went off. "You know what TIME it is??"

"No, not this again…" Drew tugged at his collar and started sweating. "This has happened three times since I got in line; it only makes things worse…"

"RIOT!!"

All Hell (tee hee) broke loose as furniture was hurled and fights broke out. A monster dove through the front window… on FIRE!

"Mommy…" Drakken muttered just before taking a stripper to the head.

* * *

Ron hugged his new toy and beamed with rapture.

"Wow, Raunchy, that trip to the airport was bondiggity!" The boy was lit up like a Christmas tree. "Where do we go next?"

Behind the imp, the airport was a disaster area. Wrecked cars dotted the runway and several buildings were on fire. A plane attempted to touch down only to lose control and crash into the control tower. A huge explosion engulfed both of them and sent a fireball hundreds of feet into the air. The sound of sirens and screaming could be heard from all around.

"Raunchy sez… let's crash a fuel truck into the power station!" The horrible doll peeped with enthusiasm.

"Oh BOY, I love you Raunchy!" The Stopper hugged the rhino.

"I love you too, mindless slave!" The doll spouted.

The imp and his new friend dashed away just as the fire department showed up.

"Holy shit…" The fire chief stared in horror. "I didn't know the Pope was here!"

"Thank Gawd I'm Jewish!" His partner retorted.

* * *

Kim, Yori and Monique sat in the office of the Justice of the Peace waiting for an answer. Kim was ranting like Jimmy Swaggart.

"This WEDDING is a SHAM and I demand you UNDO it!" The girl looked as frazzled as Shia Leboufe after his car accident.

"Well, young man, let me see here…" The elderly judge peered through his glasses.

"I am NOT a young MAN!" Possible's eyes were huge and bloodshot. "This whole thing is HER fault!"

"I do not know what you are raving about, bitch-san!" Yori crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air.

"We have a pre-nuptial agreement!" Monique shouted.

"We have a WHAT?!" Kim was two steps from going volcanic.

"Says here that in the event of a divorce, BOTH parties will be sent to a Cambodian prison camp for the next TEN years!" The judge stared at the document with horror. "I've never seen an agreement like this in my twenty seven years on the bench!"

"I never signed that OR the marriage license!" Possible wrung her head in madness. "Please, your honor, reverse all of this!"

"You said you loved me!!" Monique began acting melodramatic. "What will happen to our adopted children?!"

"Which one of you is the bride?!" The judge looked at the three in confusion.

"I am!" The ebony fraud smirked with pride. "Monique Raven Symone."

"Raven Symone?" Kim eyed the girl in amazement.

"I had it changed!" 'Nique scowled at her 'husband'. "The girl is a great ACTOR!"

"Excuse me, but that's not the name on our records…" The judge looked up from his computer. "Who is Hanzaisha Yori?"

"WHAT?!" Kim looked like a deer in the headlights of a farming thresher. "HER!?"

"What the HELL!!" Monique snarled at the asian. "You back stabbin' bitch!!"

"This must be a horrible error!" Yori spun the computer around and stared with utter shock. "NO, this cannot be RIGHT!!"

"I can't be married to this devil worshipping, opium smoking, imp humping WHORE!" Possible pressed her face angrily against Yori's. "I'd rather have a live alligator inserted into my uterus!"

"THAT, bitch-sama, can be ARRANGED!" The ninja pushed right back.

"Alright, that's IT!" The man had heard enough. "I'm tired of you young punks defacing our country's institution of marriage! Not only are BOTH of you going to stay married, you are going to stay together and fulfill your vows or I will PERSONALLY see that this pre-nup is carried out to the fullest extent!"

Both women turned and gaped at the enraged official, their faces lined with the imprint of nightmarish defeat.

"You… you must be kidding…" All the color drained out of Kim's face.

"I can't go back to Cambodia…" Yori curled into a fetal position on the floor. "They'll stuff me in a bag full of rats and rabid monkeys."

"This is BULLSHIT!" Monique banged her hand on the desk. "I was SO CLOSE!!"

"Now I want you to get the HELL outta my office!" The old man shoved them out the front doors and onto the marble stairs of the courthouse. "I'll be sending a social worker EVERYDAY to your residence, Mr. Possible, to make sure your in the midst of marital bliss, do I make myself clear!"

The man slammed the doors with such force that both bronzed knockers fell off and bounced down to the street.

"I imagine I do not have to maintain our marriage…" Yori shot Kim a look of death. "... If I KILL you!"

"Bring it, BITCH!" Kim went instantly ape-shit.

The two tore into each other like a pair of wildcats in heat. The resulting rumble made its way down the stairs and into the street. A guy on his way home from work spotted the fight and after a second of deliberation, screamed out.

"HOT CHICK FIGHT!!"

A crowd came out of nowhere and formed a circle around the cat fightin' couple. Bets were soon placed and a literal shin dig started up.

"Rip her shirt off, I wanna see titties!" A local pervert jumped up and down in anticipation.

"Stop ogling my almost wife, you bastard!" Monique slugged the guy, knocking him out.

A rotted looking guy dressed as a postal carrier stumbled into the group and started taking bites out of people. The victims screamed a little at first, and then a glazed look came over their faces as they too started looking around, hunting for dinner. After half an hour, the crowd was completely zombie-fied and wandering away.

Kim and Yori didn't notice any of it, as the two were dead set on ending each others existence.

"From now on, nobody is gonna walk all over Monique Raven Symone ever AGAIN!" The girl jumped into Kim's car and took off, leaving the couple to fight it out.

* * *

A huge tank rolled down the middle of the highway and came to a stop. Inside, a pair of evil doers were about to start wreckin' some havoc.

"This is SO much fun!" Anne adjusted her breasts inside of her black, leather skull uniform. "I've been dying for a chance to test my Mobile Incineration Land Fortress (M.I.L.F.)!"

Ted sat behind her in the gunners seat dressed in the standard, burgundy henchman's uniform. A string of drool ran from his mouth as he stared at the villainess' hot cleavage.

"Now when I give the order, you let him have it with the napalm, okay?" She turned slightly to acknowledge her minion. "Uh… Teddie…"

The imp's eyes were the size of plates as he stared at her magnificent boobage. He had a raging hard-on and had gone temporarily deaf.

"Teddie… please… this is important!" Anne tried to hide her 'balcony', only to find the zipper was stuck. "This isn't gonna end well…"

The horny dumbass tackled her, knocking her against the guide levers and sending the M.I.L.F. out of control. The tank spun in circles before tearing across several yards. It plowed through a fence, ran over two cars and crushed a child's swing set. It came to rest behind an expensive, ranch style home.

Inside, Ted had thrown Anne's legs up over his shoulders and was humping her with such force that the weapon system activated. Fire exploded from the turret and made a complete three-hundred and sixty degree turn, setting everything around it ablaze.

As the flames engulfed the house, the front door burst open and a man with a bible stormed out.

"Holy Jesus, its Armageddon!" The guy turned and shouted back into his house. "C'mon kids, into the basement! Forget your grandfather, he's done FOR!"

An old man stuck his head out of the attic window and shouted down at the holy man.

"You goddamned INGRATE!" The old bastard shook his fist with anger. "Did I ever tell ya yer mother was a French WHORE!!"

The vehicle took off like a shot and barreled through the neighborhood. After destroying a hair salon and an ice cream truck, it plowed into an abandoned carwash and came to a stop where the front counter used to be.

The two occupants lay inside, covered with sweat and their clothes in tatters.

"I'm sorry I broke your killing machine…" Ted looked down with shame.

"It's okay, sweetie." Anne exhaled and smirked. "That's the kind of aggressive spontaneity that would have kept me from killing my husband the FIRST time!"

* * *

"I can't believe someone stole my brand new SUV and took it for a joy ride!" Bonnie scowled and clenched her fists. "When I find out who did it, there'll be hell to pay!"

"I hate ridin' the fukkin' bus…" Shego looked around with disdain at the other passengers. "Sure are a lot of homeless people on here today."

At least a half a dozen zombies occupied the others seats. The dead looked around blankly, moaning and slapping at each other. The driver, who wasn't dead, smelled like a brewery as the floor beneath him was covered with empty beer cans. A zombie approached the women and moaned.

"Brainssss…"

Shego didn't bat an eye as she backhanded him into a window. The zombie's head busted through the glass as it hung there like an (un)dead pigeon.

"I hate public transportation…" The devil girl snorted.

* * *

Betty Director completed her analysis and returned to the bedroom. Pulling up the zipper on her jumpsuit, she stared in confusion at the empty spot where Josh used to be.

"Joshua, are you hiding?" The woman peeked under the bed and in the closet. "No more injections, I promise."

The young man had torn off the monster costume and had shimmied down the rain spout. Landing at the bottom, Josh peered back up at the room he had just escaped from and shuddered.

"I'd have been better off selling my self to old men for rent money." As the man's meds began to wear off, a deranged look came over him and his eyes crossed. "Must… KILL!"

Ripping open the door to Betty's minivan, Mankey turned the key and took off, stealing the vehicle. Running over the mailbox, he aimed the van towards town and stomped the gas.

"I haven't finished making the payments on it yet!" Betty shouted from the window as she watched him escape. "Next time, I'm sedating him."

* * *

The door to the upstairs bathroom flew open and Rude-fus came wandering out with a magazine under his arm. Water began to run over the rim of the now plugged up toilet and formed a pool of water on the floor. The devil rat hopped down to the kitchen and bounced up onto the table searching for something to eat.

"Bleh?"

The little monster spotted the Necronomicon that Tara had dropped there earlier that day. As he flipped open the cover, a trio of horrid, wailing spirits appeared in the air momentarily and slowly disappeared. The rat shrugged slightly and proceeded to swallow the evil tome… WHOLE.

An aura of utter darkness surrounded the rodent as his eyes turned a malevolent red. The rat belched and a bolt of crackling evil flew from his mouth and turned the coffeemaker into a chicken. Rude-fus looked at himself with surprise.

"Bleh!"

The devil rubbed his paws together wickedly and smiled a fanged grin.

* * *

A pair of government officials ran down the corridors of the White House. Taking a sharp turn, they dove through the door to the Oval Office, stopping in front THE President's desk.

"Mr. President, the town of Middleton, Colorado has been thrown into complete chaos!" The dapper man with an expensive hair piece stated. "You need to declare it a disaster area and send assistance!"

"Sir, there seems to be a strange DISEASE running rampant among the civilians!" The stocky fellow who resembled Ralph Cramden spoke up. "We have to quarantine the city!"

An old man wearing an expensive suit, a bicycle helmet and a stupid expression sat on the other side of the desk watching television. Upon hearing the news, the President became agitated.

"Double-Yah no like you, I like puppets!" The weirdo waved his hands in disapproval.

The T.V. showcased a pair of hand puppets beating each other with hockey sticks; one of them was walloped until its head popped off.

"FUNNY!!" The President began hitting his head against his desk until the helmet fell off and he knocked himself unconscious.

The two gentlemen stared at each other with amazement.

"Well, we're boned…"

* * *

"My marriage is falling APART!" Tara sat on a reclining, leather couch in a counselor's office. "All my husband does is WORK, he doesn't LISTEN to a thing I say!"

"Have you looked outside, young lady?" The lady counselor stared at Tara with frightened amazement. "It looks like a WARZONE out there!"

"I don't CARE about OUTSIDE!" The blond started raking her nails across the couch, gouging holes in it. "I didn't go through all the trouble of raising the dead to get back at Kim, just to have some man-corpse take advantage of my GENEROSITY!"

"_Mrs. Thompson, the homeless have broken through the barricade!" _A voice over the intercom stated with a hint of fear. _"We should probably get out of here!"_

"I agree, we should pick this up at your next session!" The woman began gathering up her possessions with haste.

"I paid for a FULL hour!" Tara pulled a handgun from her purse and clicked the hammer back. "We're not leavin' till my marriage is PERFECT!"

'_My wife was right…' _The counselor thought to herself. _'I should have become a psychic…'_

* * *

James Possible sat behind the wheel of Tara's car trying to negotiate the drive home. Groups of zombies shuffled everywhere, cars were wrecked and tossed about, buildings were on fire and emergency services were fighting for their lives.

"Must be Middleton Heritage Days again." James waved out his window at a guy screaming for help. "Just gets more commercial every year."

A rhythmic stomping bounced the car up and down until the rocket scientist found himself face-to-leg with a giant, walking weapons platform.

"_Hi, sweetie!" _Anne's voice spoke through the machine's speaker system. _"I'm here to finish you off, hon, just stay right there!"_

"Annie, now that I'm re-married, I am technically someone else's problem." Jim leaned out his window.

Anne sat at the controls of her "Putting My Foot Down" death machine looking annoyed. Ted sat in the cockpit wrapped in latex, preventing anymore of his spontaneous copulation attempts.

"Listen to him, trying to 'logic' his way out of his responsibility!" The older woman scowled. "Time for squishin'!"

"I'd LOVE to go for a 'squishin', but I can't move!" Keening rolled around on the floor.

James threw the car into reverse as one of the huge, metal feet attempted to stomp him flat. The car hurtled down the street, backwards, running over zombies and pedestrians as the enraged ex tromped after him.

"This is gonna make for a great water cooler story at the office!" James smiled as he fled for his unlife.

* * *

Kim and Yori stood in the center of Middleton Community Park like a pair of bloody gladiators. Both women were shredded, cut and scratched in dozens of places and their clothing was little more than scraps.

"Why… won't… you… DIE?!" Yori gasped.

"Why… won't… YOU?!" Kim struggled to breathe.

The duo rushed each other and delivered a series of vicious punches and kicks that would have killed Lennox Lewis. Being an equal match, the two stopped and gawked at one another.

"This has never happened to me before…" Possible stared at her opponent.

"Nor to me…" The ninja glanced around at their surroundings. "It would appear we are now alone."

"Thank GAWD!"

The two grabbed each other and began making out furiously. Falling to the ground, their torn rags were tossed into the air with abandon. Two squirrels sat in a nearby tree, watching.

"She's never gonna find any nuts diggin' in THERE!" The first rodent snipped.

His friend merely looked at him and shook his head.

"Well, she's not…"

* * *

Ron slammed the stolen SUV headlong into Tara's car, banging James' head into the steering wheel. The airbag deployed squishing Stoppable against the seat.

"Wow, Raunchy, our own FUNHOUSE!" The Ron-ster quipped.

"Raunchy sez… crash safety experts are the devil!" The doll was now talking all by itself.

James hopped out of the mangled wreck and rubbed his head. "We need to exchange insurance info."

A huge, metal foot landed on the vehicle, squashing it flat as a pancake.

"Honey, you're supposed to be IN the car when I smash it!" Anne cursed under her breath.

The gorgeous redhead slid down the escape ladder and pointed a flamethrower at her ex-husband.

"Well, sweetie, it's been fun…" Anne waved goodbye to the man.

"There you are, you DEADBEAT!" Tara cracked James upside the head with a golf club. "I just had our marriage annulled, so now I don't need to put up with your cannibalism anymore!"

"Cannibalism?!" Anne gaped in disgust. "James, when I said I wanted you to be more adventurous THAT is NOT what I meant!"

Ron wobbled up to the marital squabble and beamed. "Look Raunchy, it's all the lousy jerks who abandoned us!"

"Raunchy sez… all you people are bigger losers than Guy Ritchie!"

A pair of disgruntled pedestrians turned the corner and approached the steadily growing throng of people.

"Why the hell did you pistol whip and arrest that bus driver?!" Shego lectured her new squeeze. "Thanks to you we have to walk home!"

"I didn't care that he didn't have a license, I didn't care that he was drinking and driving…" Bonnie hissed. "It's when he grabbed my ASS that he hit felony town!!"

"Why the hell are all you people out here?" Shego sneered at Ron and company.

A mini van covered with dents and blood swerved recklessly down the street before squealing to a halt. Kim and Yori, wearing clothing that obviously weren't theirs, hopped out and turned to the driver with apprehension.

"Thanks… uh… Josh." Kim looked away from the hockey mask sporting lunatic.

"Domo arigatou, murderer-san." Yori bowed politely.

"Death to the innocent… Blah!!" Josh slammed the gas pedal down, disappearing into the distance… in search of truth and fun.

"Uh… what's going on here?" Kim squinted at her mother and father.

"Boy Raunchy, all of a sudden… I don't feel so good!" Ron grabbed his swollen belly and turned green.

Ted rolled off the top of the metal walker and dropped to the pavement.

"We have enough people here for a massive orgy!!" The pervert spouted.

Suddenly, Ron's gut tore loose and launched itself like a cannon ball. The bloody sphere smashed Ted right in the face, embedding him into the side of Anne's death machine. The object bounced around at top speed as the group dove for cover. The ball finally came to rest in the middle of the street.

"Is… is that what I think it is?" Kim peered at it with amazement.

A giant, demonic head appeared in mid air and spit a blue skinned man into a pile of trash cans. Struggling to his feet, Drew Lipsky took a pose of triumph and bellowed with confidence.

"Now that I, Lord Drakken have returned… I will turn this city into a…" The man stopped dead at the sight of the destruction. "Someone beat me to it?! It's NOT FAIR!!"

"Who the HELL are YOU?!" Shego glared at the stranger.

"What?!" Drew's jaw fell open. "You can SEE ME?!"

"I know I can!" Tara appeared at his side and grabbed his arm. "I think you're HANDSOME!"

"Oh shit, that guy's a GONER!" Bonnie flinched and backed away.

"What is this? Who are you?" Drakken found himself being dragged away by his feet. "Let me go! Young man, HELP ME!!"

"Do you hear something, Raunchy?" Ron looked to his new friend.

"Raunchy sez... that's the sound of a future rape victim!" The doll chirped happily.

The shell around the Ron-sphere cracked and shattered, revealing a tiny, adorable baby. The little darling had green skin, freckles and a mop of blond and black hair. She cooed slightly before sticking her thumb in her mouth.

"AWWWW…" Anne beamed like the Enterprise. "What a PRECIOUS wittle SWEETHEART!!"

Kim flashed a huge smile and picked the baby up.

"Can you say, "Mommy"?" The young redhead asked.

The baby looked at Kim with a tiny grimace.

"Poopie!" The infant squeaked.

"Well that was anti-climactic." Shego smirked at James.

"As opposed to the burning ruin that used to be a city?" Bonnie sniped.

"Gee Raunchy, I wish dad was here to see this." Ron seemed oblivious to the gaping hole in his abdomen.

* * *

Rude-fus sat in the Possible's living room. All the furniture was gone and in their place was a bunch of chickens.

"Bleh…" The rat belched again, changing the drapes into another fowl.

A large, brown chicken with ram's horns walked up to the little monster.

"Mlehhhh… buh-KAWK!" The former goat named George squawked.

Rude-fus shrugged and went back to watching Futurama.

**To Be Continued!!**

* * *

_**Bonus Content!!**_

Let's all sing the Raunchy Song!!

_Raunchy, Raunchy he's here to save the day!_

_He uses his magical fire breath to keep the priests away!_

_He'll save us all from terrorists, and fix the economy!_

_He'll team up with Andy Dick and take down Brittany! (Spears)_

_Raunchy the Rhino, he's our bestest friend!_

_Even if you're in prison, he'll be there till the end!_

_We all love you Raunchy… at least in accordance with state and federal laws…_

_Hooray!!_

_(Warning: Raunchy may cause mind control.)_

_We love Raunchy, YEAH!_

* * *

**I am SO going to hell for this…**


End file.
